Humor Thread

Handley_Page said:

"I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fire's greatest hits, Barbara Streisand, Barry Manilow. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"

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EPIC!!!! (And I own all those on vinyl, CD, as mp3's and I probably owned them all on 8-track, too.)

Meanwhile:

Near the end of business on a Friday, a delivery man arrives with a huge bouquet of flowers for the attractive brunette co-worker. She accepts them graciously, reads that card, groans and says to her blonde co-worker, "Guess this means I'll be spending the entire weekend naked with my legs up in the air."

"Why?" asks the blonde. "Don't you own a vase?"

I was buying a box of condoms at the store when the clerk asked, "Would you like a bag?"

I said, "Nah, she's not that bad looking."

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"

May have told this one before, but what the hell...

A husband and wife have the misfortune of being in a car accident. The wife requires a skin graft to mask an otherwise horrible scar on her right cheek. The husband's a match and volunteers. In a careful procedure, they remove a four in square from his buttocks and repair his wife's beautiful face. Years go by and the wife still can't believe how unselfish her husband was to give her a piece of his own flesh. One day, while applying make-up, she caresses the patch and thanks him again for it. "I don't know how I can ever repay something as generous as this."

"Dear, it's fine. I receive payment in full every time your mother kisses that cheek."

OMG! this mommy mom I made Friends with on Facebook (I mean as actual me, not Naoko Smith, LOL) in a weak moment when I forgot about all my ba-a-ad-ass gay guy pals and the things they post, just shared this!

World's Longest Words

ANTI-TRANSUB-STAN-TIA-TION-ALIST. And other extremely long words in the English language.

Longest Words

(45) PNEUMONO*ULTRA*MICRO*SCOPIC*SILICO*VOLCANO* CONIOSIS (also spelled PNEUMONO*ULTRA*MICRO*SCOPIC*SILICO*VOLCANO* .KONIOSIS) = a lung disease caused by breathing in particles of siliceous volcanic dust.
This is the longest word in any English dictionary. However, it was coined by Everett Smith, the President of The National Puzzlers' League, in 1935 purely for the purpose of inventing a new "longest word". The Oxford English Dictionary described the word as factitious. Nevertheless it also appears in the Webster's, Random House, and Chambers dictionaries.

(37) HEPATICO*CHOLANGIO*CHOLECYST*ENTERO*STOMIES = a surgical creation of a connection between the gall bladder and a hepatic duct and between the intestine and the gall bladder.
This is the longest word in Gould's Medical Dictionary.

(34) SUPER*CALI*FRAGI*LISTIC*EXPI*ALI*DOCIOUS = song title from the Walt Disney movie Mary Poppins.
It is in the Oxford English Dictionary.

"But then one day I learned a word
That saved me achin' nose,
The biggest word you ever 'eard,
And this is 'ow it goes:
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

(30) HIPPOPOTO*MONSTRO*SESQUIPED*AL*IAN = pertaining to a very long word.
From Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure and Preposterous Words.

(29) FLOCCI*NAUCINI*HILIPIL*IFICATION = an estimation of something as worthless.
This is the longest word in the first edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. Interestingly the most common letter in English, E, does not appear in this word at all, whilst I occurs a total of nine times. The word dates back to 1741. The 1992 Guinness Book of World Records calls flocci*nauci*nihili*pilification the longest real word in the Oxford English Dictionary, and refers to pneumono*ultra*micro*scopic*silico*volcano*koniosis as the longest made-up one.

(28) ANTI*DIS*ESTABLISH*MENT*ARIAN*ISM = the belief which opposes removing the tie between church and state.
Probably the most popular of the "longest words" in recent decades.

(27) HONORI*FICABILI*TUDINI*TATIBUS = honorableness.
The word first appeared in English in 1599, and in 1721 was listed by Bailey's Dictionary as the longest word in English. It was used by Shakespeare in Love's Labor's Lost (Costard; Act V, Scene I):

"O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.
I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;
for thou art not so long by the head as
honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier
swallowed than a flap-dragon."

Shakespeare does not use any other words over 17 letters in length.

(27) ELECTRO*ENCEPHALO*GRAPHICALLY
The longest unhyphenated word in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Ed.), joint with ethylene*diamine*tetraacetate (see below).

(27) ANTI*TRANSUB*STAN*TIA*TION*ALIST = one who doubts that consecrated bread and wine actually change into the body and blood of Christ.

(21) DIS*PRO*PORTION*ABLE*NESS and (21) IN*COM*PREHEN*SIB*ILITIES
These are described by the 1992 Guinness Book of World Records as the longest words in common usage.

PS. Some say SMILES is the longest word because there is a MILE between the first and last letters!

Long words in Thomas Love Peacock's novel Headlong Hall

osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary* (adj.) meaning bodily
osteosarchaematosplanchnochondroneuromuelous* (adj.) meaning bodily

* invented by him

Chemist's last words

1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Women are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.[/QUOTE]

Handley_Page said:

Women are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

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Are you sure about that HP. My woman is hard to figure out but never forgets. At least that is she rememers most everything I've done wrong in the last fifty years.

DG Hear said:

Are you sure about that HP. My woman is hard to figure out but never forgets. At least that is she remembers most everything I've done wrong in the last fifty years.

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I had one like that.
Come to think of it, you may be right. . .

OK.

I just grabbed some Juice for my 'fridge and I could have sworn I heard
one of the Beers whisper "WTF?"

A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.

They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".

The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.

Their manners.

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What's the difference between a man and a cow?

One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

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How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?

In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural, unnatural, or perverted.

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

NaokoSmith said:

Five men are told they can have whatever they wish for as they go down a slide.

The Welshman wishes for a Six Nations win and as he slides down the slide, Wales are crowned champions.
The Irishman wishes for lots of beer and as he slides down, there is a barrel of Guinness at the bottom of the slide.
The Scotsman wishes for a new kilt. (It's what the cub scouts said!)
The Englishman wishes for a million pounds.
The Frenchman doesn't know what to wish for so as he goes down the slide, he just says weeeeee!

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I'm quoting myself because this Piglet joke goes back to the one above.

Piglet started by saying: "You remember the five men who went down the slide, and there was one who has gone from the jokes now - for health and safety reasons." That seriously is what she said!

So, there are three men on a plane (we know what happened to the Frenchman but the Scotsman also disappears mysteriously): an Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman. The engine is in trouble and the plane will only be able to carry one of them. They agree it will be fair if they all jump.

The Irishman leaps from the plane, shouting, "For my country!"

The Englishman prepares to leap, shouting "For my country!"

The Welshman pushes the Englishman out and slams the door, shouting, "For my country!"

My girlfriend found a lipstick in my pocket; I told her straight up that I'd cheated on her.

There's no way I was going to confess the truth; I sell Avon cosmetics,

The text message:

I just sat down in the restaurant with my lady and ordered Hippo Soup.
I ain't sure what I'm having. . .

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of water.

The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires off a blast just missing the mans head.

The man says thank you and leaves a five dollar tip.

Why the thank you and the tip?
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The man had the hiccups.

Oldie but Goodie

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

"That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer," said Dorothy.

"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 p.m. dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur, and all," said Edna.

"Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks," she continued. "Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

"Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??" Dorothy asked.

"No, no, no... course not," Edna answered. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Four words to ruin a man's ego ...

"Is it in YET?"

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How do you get your dishwasher to work?

Slap her!

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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They are married.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFO's.

My friend isn't very bright. I told him, "You really should close the blinds in your bedroom. Last night, I was out walking my dogs, walked right by your house and I could see you making love to your wife."

"Ha!" my un-bright friend cried. "Shows what you know! I was bowling last night!"