DeepAsleep
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2004
- Posts
- 774
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Last edited:
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Neither, but I don't treat them as different. I just scribble, sometimes.
It is a draft! I dunno. It's been a long time.
well, thanks.
punctuation... haha. i don't... Hmm. So, here's the deal. I'm terrible at it, and i've avoided it long enough that trying to worry about it changes my voice completely. it's not bad, it's just that it alters the flow. less liquid feeling. i'll totally look at it, not trying to argue. it's just usually the last thing i consider.
I get happy if I can use a semicolon.
I sniggered, giggled a bit and then laughed. Dunno why, but this sentence hit a button.
Ok. Now give DA some feedback on his poem.
Well da big Boss Ange has spoke, so I'd better do as I'm told.
Angeline thought punctuation and spaces; Exescort suggested a lyric in some sort of rhythm - either might add cohesiveness, perhaps discipline - if desired.
There are some good lines, some good groups of lines, and some other lines:-
"call it be more beam and less hacksaw less hurricane and more rain"
My first reaction, WTF? second, umm maybe, third, I dunno.
Conclusion: this is unfinished, It's full of good bits but it rambles a bit incoherently. I'm not sure it's even a poem yet. Angeline is right about the need for punctuation and spaces; DA says it might lose flow, be less liquid, it might in his mind, but not in the reader's. As Ange dropped me into this review may I suggest that DA asks her to edit, punctuate and space this poem. She is the queen of liquid flow, very obvious from her poems. It would be interesting.
PS Why the colon at line 16? hard to hit by accident. And Angeline is happy with only half a colon. Did she spot the interloper.