Limitations

haha, it's mostly what you call it. If it comes off mouthmusic, it's at least doing a thing I wanted it to.
 
I strummed n gave it a go, seemed to work, if I could only play guitar better....
 
DA! What a pleasure to read you here. I love the way you write, still do. That poem is amazing, but it reads like a draft that needs editing and shaping. Are you writing for performance or publication?

:rose::kiss:
 
Neither, but I don't treat them as different. I just scribble, sometimes.

It is a draft! I dunno. It's been a long time.
 
Neither, but I don't treat them as different. I just scribble, sometimes.

It is a draft! I dunno. It's been a long time.

It may have been a long time, but you still have a lot of talent imho. I mean I could tell you what I'd do with it. That would involve putting more space in between some sections and punctuating it. But that's me.
 
well, thanks.

punctuation... haha. i don't... Hmm. So, here's the deal. I'm terrible at it, and i've avoided it long enough that trying to worry about it changes my voice completely. it's not bad, it's just that it alters the flow. less liquid feeling. i'll totally look at it, not trying to argue. it's just usually the last thing i consider.
 
well, thanks.

punctuation... haha. i don't... Hmm. So, here's the deal. I'm terrible at it, and i've avoided it long enough that trying to worry about it changes my voice completely. it's not bad, it's just that it alters the flow. less liquid feeling. i'll totally look at it, not trying to argue. it's just usually the last thing i consider.

I know you're not. :)

I don't punctuate my own poems when I'm writing that first draft. But after I've read it aloud a bunch of times and let my feelings about it settle down (I always either love or hate it right after I write it), I think about where the breaks are when I read. Short pauses get a comma and long ones a period. Usually. Those two types of punctuation handle most of what I write. Sometimes I use other types but I'm nerdy about that stuff. I get happy if I can use a semicolon. Don't judge! :eek:

Maybe others will weigh in on this and your poem.
 
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Ok. Now give DA some feedback on his poem. :)

Well da big Boss Ange has spoke, so I'd better do as I'm told.

Angeline thought punctuation and spaces; Exescort suggested a lyric in some sort of rhythm - either might add cohesiveness, perhaps discipline - if desired.

There are some good lines, some good groups of lines, and some other lines:-

"call it be more beam and less hacksaw less hurricane and more rain"

My first reaction, WTF? second, umm maybe, third, I dunno.

Conclusion: this is unfinished, It's full of good bits but it rambles a bit incoherently. I'm not sure it's even a poem yet. Angeline is right about the need for punctuation and spaces; DA says it might lose flow, be less liquid, it might in his mind, but not in the reader's. As Ange dropped me into this review may I suggest that DA asks her to edit, punctuate and space this poem. She is the queen of liquid flow, very obvious from her poems. It would be interesting.

PS Why the colon at line 16? hard to hit by accident. And Angeline is happy with only half a colon. Did she spot the interloper.:)
 
Well da big Boss Ange has spoke, so I'd better do as I'm told.

Angeline thought punctuation and spaces; Exescort suggested a lyric in some sort of rhythm - either might add cohesiveness, perhaps discipline - if desired.

There are some good lines, some good groups of lines, and some other lines:-

"call it be more beam and less hacksaw less hurricane and more rain"

My first reaction, WTF? second, umm maybe, third, I dunno.

Conclusion: this is unfinished, It's full of good bits but it rambles a bit incoherently. I'm not sure it's even a poem yet. Angeline is right about the need for punctuation and spaces; DA says it might lose flow, be less liquid, it might in his mind, but not in the reader's. As Ange dropped me into this review may I suggest that DA asks her to edit, punctuate and space this poem. She is the queen of liquid flow, very obvious from her poems. It would be interesting.

PS Why the colon at line 16? hard to hit by accident. And Angeline is happy with only half a colon. Did she spot the interloper.:)

Ah thank you for the tribute. :D:D:D You don't want me telling you to grab your ankles. :caning: (Or maybe you do!)
:rose::rose::rose:

If DA would like me to have a go at shaping the poem I am all in. So to speak.

You know the reason I love semicolons is because of my love of Charles Dickens. His sentences sometimes go on for paragraphs and are rife with semicolons. And if one can stand to read him (I know for many he is an acquired taste--he does go on and on), one may learn much of how to make lines flow. Loooong lines.
 
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