Help with relaxing

Hi, I'm a 21 year old female who is looking for advice from others who have trouble "relaxing" enough to orgasm. I've only ever had one orgasm, and it was many years ago. I know I was able to truly enjoy myself then, because my boyfriend, at the time, was instructing me on how to play with myself. I guess I haven't felt comfortable with anyone else, or myself for the matter to achieve that level of pleasure again. If anyone has experienced a problem like this before and can offer advice, I would be very grateful.

Thank you in advance.

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I may be completely reading this wrong and if so, I apologise, just ignore me.

What struck me though reading your post was that you were able to achieve orgasm 'with someone instructing you on how to play with yourself.' Obviously I don't know what else was going on with you and this guy and you said yourself it was some time ago. If you are the kind of person who attaches a lot of squick and/or shame to masturbation, being instructed by a trusted other can 'absolve' you of that shame, because you're doing what you're told. Maybe it's just the trust that's enough but it may also be possible that you are more capable of sexual fulfilment if the other person is in the driving seat. It's possible you could have submissive urges and get more turned on if you're giving up control to someone else.

I've no idea where 'relaxing' in general comes into this but what I would say is, if you've found a context that works - which in your case is receiving instruction - then if we're talking masturbation, there are plenty of safe ways you can explore this via chatrooms etc, to see if you can replicate what worked before. If it's the case that you're maybe still carrying a torch for this ex though, and he's more important than the context, well that could be a little more tricky to overcome.

I'm a little concerned you're not comfortable enough in your own skin to enjoy relaxed masturbation. It's something all healthy adults should be able to enjoy. Not that I'm making assumption but if you're on anti-depressants, I do know that some of them can affect sex drive or make orgasm harder to achieve. Alone is when you should be most relaxed though, because if you're not comfortable alone in your own skin, it's unlikely anyone else is going to be able to make you so. I don't expect that sounds terribly helpful but if I'm going to be honest with you, I think it's possibly crucial for you.

Um... hope some of that was useful.

I used to have a lot of trouble reaching orgasm, and a lot of it was mental. One thing that helped me was to take the pressure of trying to orgasm away. For you this might mean just focusing on the pleasure that you do get from masturbation, even without climaxing. For me, I had to actively tell myself I "wasn't allowed" to orgasm, and then I was able to (I guess I'm a bit of a rebel that way ) I also couldn't do it with just my fingers at the time, I needed more stimulation - shower head, vibrator, whatever.

A second option which many may consider bad advice, so take it with a grain of salt, is to have a drink or two to help lower your inhibitions and make you feel less self-conscious. Bear in mind that alcohol will also inhibit your sex drive and body's response to stimuli, so this may not work for you especially if your problem is more physical. I would try this alone rather than with a partner.

Regardless, be kind and don't beat yourself up for not being able to orgasm. Make sure when you try that you are well rested and have lots of time to explore your body and what sensations you enjoy.