what do I do from here

I just turned 59. Under one year from 60 and I've never been married. I have always lived straight. Aside from "mutual respect" I'm not turned on my men.... hell any more I'm not turned on by anything. It's been well over a decade since I had anything resembling sex.

I've never even come close to a "long term" relationship. I have come to the belief that when a woman says she wants a long term relationship she is really saying "you aren't close to the male image I have in my mind".

So, as I enter into these "golden" (brass or worse in truth) years I have to ask myself... what the hell do I do from here?

"You could get off your ass and go find a woman".... as if that ever worked before. I know I'm being negative but there ain't a lot positive in my situation. I have nothing financial to bring to the table other than a lifetime of struggle to get nowhere. Now at the Golden threshold I find myself a friggin' telemarketer. Thanks life! So I try to use reason to get past the negativity of my situation...

What is available out there in the world of my peers? There is a start... look and see what is appealing.

Woah! I didn't expect to find teenie boppers and hippy chicks.... I was at least THAT realistic. But I didn't expect to find the excess baggage I found. Two, three and sometimes MORE failed marriages and multiple kids by multiple fathers..... WTF? Do I really want to sign on for that? Not especially. I didn't get to "enjoy" the making and rearing (and subsequent screwing up) of these children and their children..... but now I am expected to just accept all that as OK just so I can be with this woman? Where is the pay off? Love? Respect? To be respectfully honest it just doesn't seen equitable does it? I mean please tell me if I am wrong here but I don't really see any pay off for me in that kind of life except as a catcher for all the bullshit that will undoubtedly come.

So as I sit here with my 59th new year on the door step I have to ask.... where the hell do I go from here? I kinda wish I were an old indian in the old days. I could just get the tribe to tie me to my horse and let me wanted off into the sunset.

My luck though they will conquer all disease except ageing and I'll live like this, unloved, until I'm 200. That's just the luck I seem to have.

To find a woman in your age group without kids is going to be tough. I think you have to ask yourself which you value more: companionship, or solitude. Because even in the most well adjusted of families, there's going to be periods of drama. That's just life. To ask a woman to abandon her kids for the sake of being with you just isn't realistic.

Where is the reward, you ask? Depends on what you care to invest in the relationship with her kids. They might not ever come to see you as a father figure, (and it honestly sounds like you don't want that role), but what about a trusted friend, adviser, or sounding board? If one of my own parents were to suddenly find themselves single, I would hope for their happiness. Granted, it would take me some time to adjust, but as long as the new person treated my parent with love and respect, and extended at least respect to the rest of my family, then I would be open to building some type of relationship. Affection is something that takes time to nurture, but I do believe that in time, I would feel at least some measure of it for my parent's new spouse/companion.

Wow you sound quite depressed and down. Trust me and believe, 59 is far from the end of the world. I'd like to be 59 again. As for finding a woman at your age with whom you can feel happy and compatible, I'd say that there are plenty out there that have either been widowed or divorced and would love to find a good man. I've known and know women who are in their 60's who are quite attractive and still very sexual and would love to have the kind of man in their life who knew how to make them feel sexy and desirable. Women at that age are PARTICULARLY eager to find ways to feel sexy and desirable. Believe me, but they don't want a man sitting in the corner saying "Oh poor me, what shall I do now."

If you don't enjoy your job, try looking for another. At your age, you may not find one, but sometimes just the adventure of looking is the thing that can energize. If you can't find a paying job other than what you have, keep that and consider some volunteer work. My wife is retired and has jumped in to volunteer work with both feet and has met a lot of new friends. I personally don't see me doing that because I have other interests, but if I wanted to, there are about a dozen ways to do that in areas near me.

Hitting 60 is a big milestone.....probably ten times worse than hitting 50. But age is a number depending on how you feel. It's important to not let yourself sit around thiking about the downside of your age. My mother in law is 96 and still goes to do volunteer work at her library and goes to several group activities with friends. A doctor told her six years ago that unless she had some particular surgery, she may not live more than another two years. She's been laughing at him for 4 years now and happy she didn't risk her life with the surgery. Attitude, attitude, attitude. That's the secret of life.

CuriousCoot said:

Where is the pay off? Love? Respect? To be respectfully honest it just doesn't seen equitable does it? I mean please tell me if I am wrong here but I don't really see any pay off for me in that kind of life except as a catcher for all the bullshit that will undoubtedly come.

So as I sit here with my 59th new year on the door step I have to ask.... where the hell do I go from here? I kinda wish I were an old indian in the old days. I could just get the tribe to tie me to my horse and let me wanted off into the sunset.

Click to expand...

well.. since you asked..
You're afraid of dealing with someone else's baggage. Have you considered that someone else will have to deal with YOUR baggage?
you're negative, depressed, and have little appreciation for what can be gained in a relationship. Love IS the payoff. That's it. If you don't want love, then it's silly to keep looking. The thing is though - you need to be ok with yourself. A lot of us will end up alone by the time we wander off into the sunset. We need to be ok.

You might consider discussing this with a physician, pastor, someone trained in helping with transitions. I believe that each of us deserves to walk through life not feeling like a victim of our own existence. Good luck to you.

bailadora said:

To find a woman in your age group without kids is going to be tough. I think you have to ask yourself which you value more: companionship, or solitude. Because even in the most well adjusted of families, there's going to be periods of drama. That's just life. To ask a woman to abandon her kids for the sake of being with you just isn't realistic.

Where is the reward, you ask? Depends on what you care to invest in the relationship with her kids. They might not ever come to see you as a father figure, (and it honestly sounds like you don't want that role), but what about a trusted friend, adviser, or sounding board? If one of my own parents were to suddenly find themselves single, I would hope for their happiness. Granted, it would take me some time to adjust, but as long as the new person treated my parent with love and respect, and extended at least respect to the rest of my family, then I would be open to building some type of relationship. Affection is something that takes time to nurture, but I do believe that in time, I would feel at least some measure of it for my parent's new spouse/companion.

Click to expand...

So, Fairness is a two way street? Is it fair to put the burden on me now that they are old and used up by their previous mistakes? The bitter me says "I wasn't good enough when I was young, why should I be good enough now that you are desperate?"

I don't really thing it has anything to do with love or affection or anything else other than tolerance. What you are willing to tolerate for what you want.

I do find American women's attitudes from my generation as selfish as any I have ever encountered from any generation.

I had a girl from work. I say girl because she's in her late 20's. She asked why I had never married. What was I supposed to tell her? I told her that I was never picked as husband bait? Know what her response was? Nonsense, there is somebody for everybody! Right Rebecca.... when does the Happy bus leave for Sunnybrook Farm?

amofiga said:

Wow you sound quite depressed and down. Trust me and believe, 59 is far from the end of the world. I'd like to be 59 again. As for finding a woman at your age with whom you can feel happy and compatible, I'd say that there are plenty out there that have either been widowed or divorced and would love to find a good man. I've known and know women who are in their 60's who are quite attractive and still very sexual and would love to have the kind of man in their life who knew how to make them feel sexy and desirable. Women at that age are PARTICULARLY eager to find ways to feel sexy and desirable. Believe me, but they don't want a man sitting in the corner saying "Oh poor me, what shall I do now."

If you don't enjoy your job, try looking for another. At your age, you may not find one, but sometimes just the adventure of looking is the thing that can energize. If you can't find a paying job other than what you have, keep that and consider some volunteer work. My wife is retired and has jumped in to volunteer work with both feet and has met a lot of new friends. I personally don't see me doing that because I have other interests, but if I wanted to, there are about a dozen ways to do that in areas near me.

Hitting 60 is a big milestone.....probably ten times worse than hitting 50. But age is a number depending on how you feel. It's important to not let yourself sit around thiking about the downside of your age. My mother in law is 96 and still goes to do volunteer work at her library and goes to several group activities with friends. A doctor told her six years ago that unless she had some particular surgery, she may not live more than another two years. She's been laughing at him for 4 years now and happy she didn't risk her life with the surgery. Attitude, attitude, attitude. That's the secret of life.

Click to expand...

How long you been married?

See, That does make a difference in your outlook. You've had all those dramas that make up memories. I can just glom onto those of others. For a proud man who was raised to be strong and independent it just won't work.

GiggLeGasm said:

well.. since you asked..
You're afraid of dealing with someone else's baggage. Have you considered that someone else will have to deal with YOUR baggage?
you're negative, depressed, and have little appreciation for what can be gained in a relationship. Love IS the payoff. That's it. If you don't want love, then it's silly to keep looking. The thing is though - you need to be ok with yourself. A lot of us will end up alone by the time we wander off into the sunset. We need to be ok.

You might consider discussing this with a physician, pastor, someone trained in helping with transitions. I believe that each of us deserves to walk through life not feeling like a victim of our own existence. Good luck to you.

Click to expand...

We ARE victims of our own existence and thank you for reminding me of that. We are the sum total of our experiences. My experience has been that if I didn't have something the woman wanted at the time I didn't get any attention at all.

I am OK with myself. I've never screwed anybody over in my life. I'm the guy that runs over to help put groceries in a car for a person struggling in the rain. I stop to ask if I can help when I see a car on the side of the road. Yeah, I been robbed a couple of times too. I actually had ONE woman tell me I was too good to keep all to herself. I should be shared. Yeah Right..... I guess the 6'+ guy I saw her with two days later wasn't that good huh?

No, I always believed you needed to be friends before you could be anything else. Women don't want a friend in bed. They don't romance friends. They want.... hell I don't know what they want but I can tell you they didn't want me unless I had something in my hand or pocket for them.

CuriousCoot said:

So, Fairness is a two way street? Is it fair to put the burden on me now that they are old and used up by their previous mistakes? The bitter me says "I wasn't good enough when I was young, why should I be good enough now that you are desperate?"

I don't really thing it has anything to do with love or affection or anything else other than tolerance. What you are willing to tolerate for what you want.

Click to expand...

Unless she's asking you to fix her kids, or they're interfering in your relationship somehow, I don't see how her having kids would be a burden. I'm guessing the kids would be in the same age range as I am: late 30's-early 40's. How is extending respect to her kids a hardship? That just floors me. Granted, relationships are a two way street, and they can only be formed if both parties are willing to put forth the effort, BUT when that happens, it can definitely be rewarding, if you let it be. In addition to gaining a love companion, you just might make a friend in one of her kids. It's only a burden if you are set in your ways, and unwilling to make any accommodations or consideration for anyone but yourself. If that's the way you want it, enjoy your solitude. 'Cause I honestly don't see the lure of trying to build something with someone who is all about themselves.

Hey Mr Curious Coot
I hope there is something for you in these blasts you're giving us! It's the right day for that anyway. Here we are similar age [I'm 18 months older] and a very different journey in terms of love life. All I want to say is that there are women our age who may have had a husband and raised children and love grandchildren and who have lost their man; women who are not needy of a guy to help them cope with the mess they have made of their lives because they haven't: they're together people, secure, who have known love and because of that would like to find another love now, not to be dependent on, but to delight in and be a delight in.

Are you the man who can be there for that kind of woman? Would you want to be?

Simon

The good news is that the numbers will increasingly favor you -- many more available women than available men as you get older. And I do agree with other posters here, accentuate the positive sir. And I don't think 59 is old at all. I always most admire the adult prodigy -- what happened is water over the bridge. Start something new. This is a good time of year to do just that.

CuriousCoot said:

I've never even come close to a "long term" relationship. I have come to the belief that when a woman says she wants a long term relationship she is really saying "you aren't close to the male image I have in my mind".


Woah! I didn't expect to find teenie boppers and hippy chicks.... I was at least THAT realistic. But I didn't expect to find the excess baggage I found. Two, three and sometimes MORE failed marriages and multiple kids by multiple fathers..... WTF? Do I really want to sign on for that? Not especially. I didn't get to "enjoy" the making and rearing (and subsequent screwing up) of these children and their children..... but now I am expected to just accept all that as OK just so I can be with this woman? Where is the pay off? Love? Respect? To be respectfully honest it just doesn't seen equitable does it? I mean please tell me if I am wrong here but I don't really see any pay off for me in that kind of life except as a catcher for all the bullshit that will undoubtedly come.

My luck though they will conquer all disease except ageing and I'll live like this, unloved, until I'm 200. That's just the luck I seem to have.

Click to expand...

CuriousCoot said:

So, Fairness is a two way street? Is it fair to put the burden on me now that they are old and used up by their previous mistakes? The bitter me says "I wasn't good enough when I was young, why should I be good enough now that you are desperate?"

I don't really thing it has anything to do with love or affection or anything else other than tolerance. What you are willing to tolerate for what you want.

I do find American women's attitudes from my generation as selfish as any I have ever encountered from any generation.

I had a girl from work. I say girl because she's in her late 20's. She asked why I had never married. What was I supposed to tell her? I told her that I was never picked as husband bait? Know what her response was? Nonsense, there is somebody for everybody! Right Rebecca.... when does the Happy bus leave for Sunnybrook Farm?

Click to expand...

I discovered your problem. I've bolded it for you. You're welcome.

Sumpthin' tells me it's your sunny outlook and stellar personality that is keeping you from being the chick magnet you want to be.

All I read here is me, me, me, what's in it for me? What does she have to offer me? Why should I put myself out there for any of these used up old dirtbags of my generation? Poor me, I had so much to offer and they didn't want me, so screw 'em!

Well, darlin', do all those used up, baggage carrying women a favour and stay alone while you have that sort of attitude. No one needs YOUR sunshine and daydreams sinking their hopes for a future with someone they care about.

Ever hear that Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror? If not, take a listen.

Man In The Mirror

Just look at your language: "Never picked as husband bait", "American women's attitudes from my generation are as selfish as any I have encountered", "Is it fair to put the burden on me", "Where is the pay off?"...if this isn't a case of the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

I don't think you want a woman in your life, because you really do not seem to like them that much. Stick to dogs. Dogs put up with a lot and still lick your face and wag their tails even when you ignore them.

CuriousCoot said:

No, I always believed you needed to be friends before you could be anything else. Women don't want a friend in bed. They don't romance friends. They want.... hell I don't know what they want but I can tell you they didn't want me unless I had something in my hand or pocket for them.

Click to expand...

Some women don't, but some do. I was friends with my husband for two years, before we ever started dating (I was in previous relationship). I believe it helped form a strong foundation upon which the rest of our relationship was built. 'Cause even with the best intentions, romance ebbs and flows throughout the years. I think one thing that has helped us survive some really rough patches is that we are also great friends.

As for not wanting someone unless there is financial gain, yes, there are people out there like that, and I'm sorry that was your experience. But I can also tell you that not all women are like that. 'Cause when my husband and I got married - we were both three months out of college without squat to our names. He worked for a small security firm, and I did bookkeeping for a small electronics wholesaler. We hoped for a better future, and we've been blessed to have had that realized. But I also think that even if we hadn't had the financial success we have, we'd still be together.

CuriousCoot said:

I just turned 59. Under one year from 60 and I've never been married. I have always lived straight. Aside from "mutual respect" I'm not turned on my men.... hell any more I'm not turned on by anything. It's been well over a decade since I had anything resembling sex.

I've never even come close to a "long term" relationship. I have come to the belief that when a woman says she wants a long term relationship she is really saying "you aren't close to the male image I have in my mind".

So, as I enter into these "golden" (brass or worse in truth) years I have to ask myself... what the hell do I do from here?

"You could get off your ass and go find a woman".... as if that ever worked before. I know I'm being negative but there ain't a lot positive in my situation. I have nothing financial to bring to the table other than a lifetime of struggle to get nowhere. Now at the Golden threshold I find myself a friggin' telemarketer. Thanks life! So I try to use reason to get past the negativity of my situation...

What is available out there in the world of my peers? There is a start... look and see what is appealing.

Woah! I didn't expect to find teenie boppers and hippy chicks.... I was at least THAT realistic. But I didn't expect to find the excess baggage I found. Two, three and sometimes MORE failed marriages and multiple kids by multiple fathers..... WTF? Do I really want to sign on for that? Not especially. I didn't get to "enjoy" the making and rearing (and subsequent screwing up) of these children and their children..... but now I am expected to just accept all that as OK just so I can be with this woman? Where is the pay off? Love? Respect? To be respectfully honest it just doesn't seen equitable does it? I mean please tell me if I am wrong here but I don't really see any pay off for me in that kind of life except as a catcher for all the bullshit that will undoubtedly come.

So as I sit here with my 59th new year on the door step I have to ask.... where the hell do I go from here? I kinda wish I were an old indian in the old days. I could just get the tribe to tie me to my horse and let me wanted off into the sunset.

My luck though they will conquer all disease except ageing and I'll live like this, unloved, until I'm 200. That's just the luck I seem to have.

Click to expand...

CuriousCoot said:

So, Fairness is a two way street? Is it fair to put the burden on me now that they are old and used up by their previous mistakes? The bitter me says "I wasn't good enough when I was young, why should I be good enough now that you are desperate?"

I don't really thing it has anything to do with love or affection or anything else other than tolerance. What you are willing to tolerate for what you want.

I do find American women's attitudes from my generation as selfish as any I have ever encountered from any generation.

I had a girl from work. I say girl because she's in her late 20's. She asked why I had never married. What was I supposed to tell her? I told her that I was never picked as husband bait? Know what her response was? Nonsense, there is somebody for everybody! Right Rebecca.... when does the Happy bus leave for Sunnybrook Farm?

Click to expand...

I debated in answering, and I will probably cause a flame war or hurt feelings, which is the very least of my intentions, as anyone who has posted with me can attest. After all, I'm young. What do I know?

But you did ask, and if you did, then you must, logically, be willing to accept those opinions that not only do not affirm with what you are saying, but also that you do not want hear.

Have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe, oh just maybe, money isn't everything? For me, in my relationship, money is not on the table at all. We know each other's financial position but do I love him less because he cannot shower me with diamonds and travels around the world? No. I don't care if he lives in a tent or in a palace. Money does not make a relationship. Relationship is based on mutual care, respect and communication. Money shouldn't be on the top 10 qualifiers in a relationship.

What's the pay-off to be in a loving relationship? To be in a loving relationship. To put the other person ahead of me and trust my all that he does the same with me. To explore and build. We give each other. Fairness? Who said that isn't fair? Equitability? It is. Absolutely. We don't have a check-sheet, because in the end, it doesn't matter. I go through dark times, he's there. He goes through dark times, I'm there. It's a choice we both made, and continue to make each and every day. Is it a choice you are willing to make, each and every day?

And before you say you're too old to change, let me bluntly say 'bullshit'. I have known too many 60, 70 and 80 years who went back to school, got another degree and started a new field (or in some cases an entirely new business) and are thriving and extremely successful. Why? Because they want it and then they worked for it. Period. You don't like your job? See if you cannot get another one. You don't like your job but can't get another one? Volunteer. Try to get yourself promoted. In other words, set goals for yourself.

My cousin, who is 50, has never been married. She hasn't had a long-term relationship either. And she is one of the happiest souls I've ever met, despite that she was unemployed for about a year in a market that is shrinking. She takes control of her life. She volunteers in what she loves. She goes out with her friends. When I visit, she spoils me and doesn't spend a penny. The point? She lives the life she wants, and she takes every single obstacle as it comes and as a challenge.

Maybe you'll never get married. Maybe you never will never be a millionaire. But in the long run, who cares? If that what defines a life worth living, then 90% of the world's population doesn't deserve to live.

This is YOUR life. Not anyone else's. You are in charge of your own life, and only you can change it or not. Only you can make yourself a victim of your own life. Only you can be the experience that makes the sum that is you. Life is nothing; it is merely a random vortex of events that swirls around. You, on the other hand, is something. You can take those events or you can float through it. Call it a pragmatic point of view.

You can blame life all you want. However, life is what you make it; therefore, there is no one else you can blame but you - not even life. Everyone has a rough time. Everyone has obstacles, some of them much more debilitating than you. The difference is that they are willing to work to overcome it and to make it work to their disadvantages.

Again, if this upset you, this was not my intention. However, if there is one thing I learned from my life experiences (and yes, I've been in your shoes ) and from my parents, whom had it considerably rougher than you, is that self-pity is beyond selfish. You are allowed to wallow for one night only. Then you wake up and do something to change it. Are you going to let events that you have no control over beat you into a person that you don't want to be, or are you going to make yourself into the person that you want to be?

Those are your choices. Make it and then reap the consequences.

Happiness is not found in a relationship with another person, in money, in things or in power. Happiness is found in yourself by appreciating another person, what money you do have, and the things around you.

Appreciation is, to many, a lost emotion to many in western civilizations. The sunrise, sunset, that bright green color of spring wheat that lets us know warm weather is coming, that gorgeous woman walking down the street, sitting in the garage on a warm day having beers with a buddy while the cars go by...there are millions of things that can be appreciated. Appreciation brings happiness.

Happiness is something you share with other people, not something others give to you. When you appreciate and can be happy, you will draw people to you. It works. I know. I'm working at it every day and the results are proof.

Good luck my friend!

CuriousCoot said:

<snip> For a proud man who was raised to be strong and independent it just won't work.

Click to expand...

If you are a proud and independent man, then why don't you make yourself proud?

Life and people don't owe you anything. You owe yourself everything.

CuriousCoot said:

Woah! I didn't expect to find teenie boppers and hippy chicks.... I was at least THAT realistic. But I didn't expect to find the excess baggage I found. Two, three and sometimes MORE failed marriages and multiple kids by multiple fathers..... WTF? Do I really want to sign on for that? Not especially. I didn't get to "enjoy" the making and rearing (and subsequent screwing up) of these children and their children..... but now I am expected to just accept all that as OK just so I can be with this woman?

Click to expand...

Nope. If those women aren't up to your standards, you don't have to accept the deal. And probably better for everybody concerned if you don't.

It sounds like you're in a bit of a catch-22 here: because you haven't been able to find a successful relationship so far, you have low self-esteem and a lot of anger towards women in general. But those traits also make it extremely hard to find a satisfying relationship. You don't want to take on a woman who has a history and kids; well, she doesn't want to take on a guy who's angry with women and is dwelling on the frustrations of his own history.

I've been somewhere similar. In my experience the best solution is to stop actively searching for relationships for a while. Assume that you're going to be single for a good length of time - maybe a year or two - and work on being comfortable in your own skin. Find something that you love doing - hiking, painting sunsets, helping out at a soup kitchen, whatever floats your boat.

If it lets you make some friends, especially female friends, all the better, but don't dwell on that too much. Every successful relationship I've ever had started out as friendship - but every time I've gone into things with a mindset of "maybe if I make friends with them I can get a relationship", it's gone sour. Friendship is worth having for its own sake; if it does turn into a relationship that's great, but don't treat that like an entitlement.

If you can get to a place where you can shed that anger and feel happy with yourself as a person... well, I don't guarantee that it will find you a satisfying relationship (it's not like some prize that you're guaranteed to get when you collect enough merit badges) but the odds are better. At the very least you'll be a happier single and that's still an improvement.

About attitudes: There's a homily I read around here.

An old Native American man is talking to his grandchild. "Inside each of us, we have two snakes. The good snake is filled with love, hope, wonder, aspirations. The evil snake is filled with fear, self-doubt, darkness, despair. These snakes wage a constant struggle within you."

The grandchild asks, "Which snake wins?"

The grandfather replies. "The one you feed."

-------------------------------------------------------

Attitudes ARE contagious. What you send out DOES come back to you, many-fold. If you expect contention or loneliness, that's what you'll get. You gotta fix yourself all by yourself.

Another homily: Nobody cares if you make yourself miserable, so why bother?