Noor
Citizen of the World
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2003
- Posts
- 30,323
I have been sexually active since I had been way too young for this board and I found sex changing over time. My early sexual experiences were with a group of close long term friends who were open to pretty much anything. We shared, explored, were pretty wild, but always within a protected safe environment without jealousy, games or other negative things that seem to be the normal in the real world. I am a fairly literal person, I give what I can, I ask for what I want-nothing more, nothing less, and I am most comfort in a world where others are the same. I believe in open communication and that most conflict is based on miscommunication.
When I was in my teens and twenties, I wanted to sleep my way across the world and experience as many cultural/sexual/sensual things as possible. I did some of that, and found things that blew my mind. I do not like the way American culture looks at sex. I do not think sex is dirty, wrong, or naughty. My partners are equals with whom I have mutual respect and responsibility for getting needs and desires met. I feel it should go beyond that actual physical sex act, be expanding, and even transformative. I want sex I can remember days, weeks, years and decades later and still get a buzz when thinking about it.
As a result of surgery (complete castration) I was pretty much totally non sexual and non sensual which felt very strange and I realized how much sexuality and sensuality is part of myself and how I look at life. It flavors the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the activities I participate in and my environment.
I generally dress for myself, and never as a sexual lure. I will dress for a lover or friend if there is something I know they like but I am not interested non specific sexual attraction or being eye candy. I had a lot of unwanted attention based on my body and looks when I was younger so in some ways I actually dressed to avoid that.
I decided I wanted my sexuality back, because I didn't feel like me. I didn't exactly miss it as I really had no feelings. I could watch, talk, touch smell men I was really into prior to surgery and feel indifferent, it was like they suddenly became eunuchs. I smelled different or rather seemed to have no smell, I could go without deodorant, it was very strange. It was like going from a colored world back to black and white.
I have had some great help. I take hormones, I am in female physical therapy and I heard a voice that was like a distant murmur of what could be and I followed up on it. The voice turned out to be a very nice patient sexy man whom I was able to trust and was willing to help. It very strange to explain what is going on to someone else, but it has made a big difference.
It took awhile to get my mind and body connected again, or more to get my body reacting again, but it is and it does or did, it’s kind of weird I seem to fall in and out of the space sometimes but at least I know its there, and possible again. My body is physically healing, I can come again, I no longer get the cramping pelvic congestion I got at first, and I need deodorant ;-)
I am not invisible anymore, not sure I ever was, but at this point I am noticing that I am being flirted with, whatever... and its fun again. I bought jeans because I like the way they feel, am cooking again, enjoying smells, textures, tastes, sounds and even sights. I am not very visual, despite having a photographic memory, but I am actually starting to enjoy looking, nowhere near voyeur stage or anything yet I have stopped looking at my webcam as a mirror, well somewhat stopped, no comments from the peanut gallery pls! It is kind of a cool mirror, you can make goofy faces, and look at parts of your body you can't see well by yourself.
Sex is still a bit weird, I don't have a uterus so no more uterine orgasms , my mind can control my body again, not sure about g-spot and other things yet, more exploring needed, but for now I am feeling more like my physical self. Mentally/emotionally is still a bit strange, for many reasons the surgery was like being violated, a sort of an ongoing HUGE violation, which seems to have opened up occasionally flashbacks of past stuff that had been dealt with, long dead and buried, or so I thought. I have been working on those and it’s getting better.
As I deal with the physical aftermath of being ripped apart, weird things sometimes happen. What I know as my body is different, I can't currently belly dance or even dance without painful consequences, a 7 mins dance to sexual healing a several weeks ago, caused about 5 days of severe pain! That should get better.
Over the past month or two I have had some very interesting conversations about sex which has lead to exploring new areas. Having a safe space to explore is very nice, I think having open conversations about sexuality, physical and emotional barriers is mind expanding, I can read tons of stuff, and explore 1 on 1 but being able to have a dialogue with a group of people who have no agenda for you makes a big difference.
Having very technical/graphic conversations with other women who are also missing bits and pieces is also refreshing. You find out that even though no one seems to talk about it and drs are unconcerned, some of it happened to them too, what they did to deal with it, and what came back for them and how it changed their sexuality.
All sorts of people are willing to help, its kind of refreshing. Restraints, rope work, toys, watching, being watching are much less scary for me when I am with people I know and trust. Things like having hands on my neck, I think I have that totally down now! Figuring out ways to deal with what is scary to make it okay, even pleasurable.
Some of these things and more, I would like to try integrating into my sexual mix and I hope I get to soon.
The discussions and exploring have kind of snowballed and has become transferable, with others in my life finding themselves changing as well, there is chain reaction that is both exciting and a bit scary to watch.
When I was in my teens and twenties, I wanted to sleep my way across the world and experience as many cultural/sexual/sensual things as possible. I did some of that, and found things that blew my mind. I do not like the way American culture looks at sex. I do not think sex is dirty, wrong, or naughty. My partners are equals with whom I have mutual respect and responsibility for getting needs and desires met. I feel it should go beyond that actual physical sex act, be expanding, and even transformative. I want sex I can remember days, weeks, years and decades later and still get a buzz when thinking about it.
As a result of surgery (complete castration) I was pretty much totally non sexual and non sensual which felt very strange and I realized how much sexuality and sensuality is part of myself and how I look at life. It flavors the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the activities I participate in and my environment.
I generally dress for myself, and never as a sexual lure. I will dress for a lover or friend if there is something I know they like but I am not interested non specific sexual attraction or being eye candy. I had a lot of unwanted attention based on my body and looks when I was younger so in some ways I actually dressed to avoid that.
I decided I wanted my sexuality back, because I didn't feel like me. I didn't exactly miss it as I really had no feelings. I could watch, talk, touch smell men I was really into prior to surgery and feel indifferent, it was like they suddenly became eunuchs. I smelled different or rather seemed to have no smell, I could go without deodorant, it was very strange. It was like going from a colored world back to black and white.
I have had some great help. I take hormones, I am in female physical therapy and I heard a voice that was like a distant murmur of what could be and I followed up on it. The voice turned out to be a very nice patient sexy man whom I was able to trust and was willing to help. It very strange to explain what is going on to someone else, but it has made a big difference.
It took awhile to get my mind and body connected again, or more to get my body reacting again, but it is and it does or did, it’s kind of weird I seem to fall in and out of the space sometimes but at least I know its there, and possible again. My body is physically healing, I can come again, I no longer get the cramping pelvic congestion I got at first, and I need deodorant ;-)
I am not invisible anymore, not sure I ever was, but at this point I am noticing that I am being flirted with, whatever... and its fun again. I bought jeans because I like the way they feel, am cooking again, enjoying smells, textures, tastes, sounds and even sights. I am not very visual, despite having a photographic memory, but I am actually starting to enjoy looking, nowhere near voyeur stage or anything yet I have stopped looking at my webcam as a mirror, well somewhat stopped, no comments from the peanut gallery pls! It is kind of a cool mirror, you can make goofy faces, and look at parts of your body you can't see well by yourself.
Sex is still a bit weird, I don't have a uterus so no more uterine orgasms , my mind can control my body again, not sure about g-spot and other things yet, more exploring needed, but for now I am feeling more like my physical self. Mentally/emotionally is still a bit strange, for many reasons the surgery was like being violated, a sort of an ongoing HUGE violation, which seems to have opened up occasionally flashbacks of past stuff that had been dealt with, long dead and buried, or so I thought. I have been working on those and it’s getting better.
As I deal with the physical aftermath of being ripped apart, weird things sometimes happen. What I know as my body is different, I can't currently belly dance or even dance without painful consequences, a 7 mins dance to sexual healing a several weeks ago, caused about 5 days of severe pain! That should get better.
Over the past month or two I have had some very interesting conversations about sex which has lead to exploring new areas. Having a safe space to explore is very nice, I think having open conversations about sexuality, physical and emotional barriers is mind expanding, I can read tons of stuff, and explore 1 on 1 but being able to have a dialogue with a group of people who have no agenda for you makes a big difference.
Having very technical/graphic conversations with other women who are also missing bits and pieces is also refreshing. You find out that even though no one seems to talk about it and drs are unconcerned, some of it happened to them too, what they did to deal with it, and what came back for them and how it changed their sexuality.
All sorts of people are willing to help, its kind of refreshing. Restraints, rope work, toys, watching, being watching are much less scary for me when I am with people I know and trust. Things like having hands on my neck, I think I have that totally down now! Figuring out ways to deal with what is scary to make it okay, even pleasurable.
Some of these things and more, I would like to try integrating into my sexual mix and I hope I get to soon.
The discussions and exploring have kind of snowballed and has become transferable, with others in my life finding themselves changing as well, there is chain reaction that is both exciting and a bit scary to watch.
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