My stories

I would like more feedback on my stories. I've written a lot of them and want a bit more feedback. Both positive and negative. My favorite stories are Boat Ho chapter 22, Pegging Suite, Pegging Party, and Cullen. I know some of my stories are rough and a bit unpolished. Hope to hear from you soon.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=808525&page=submissions

Hi rckplsky,

You might want to strap in; this could get a little bumpy. Do remember that you asked for it.

I've cut and pasted the opening of your most recent posting. I'll walk through a few iterations of things to think about when you're writing.

Original Posting

Cullen Ch. 04 said:

Cullen sat in his car for a few minutes watched as the other cars entered and exited the parking lot. He felt like he was taking a risk, but he wanted to give this a shot bad. It had been a long time since he'd picked up a guy from the mall. He quickly got out of his car and locked it. He quickly found his way into the vast outdoor mall. He stopped and got a smoothie and walked around the mall. Out of boredom he walked into Hot Topic, a place he hadn't been in a while. The music was unbearable. But he might have some luck. He looked over the selection of shirts and saw what he was looking for.

"Yes," Cullen whispered as he looked a shirt with a logo he didn't recognize.

Click to expand...

Grammar
If the Grammar Police showed up here on Lit tomorrow, I'd be thrown in the paddywagon too. The difference is I'd be misdemeanor offender. You, sir, are a felon. As best you possibly can, avoid grammatical mistakes in the beginning of a story. Yes, I know this is the fourth chapter in a series, but I think the general rule still holds true: you need to build credibility with your reader each time they drop in to read something you post. Goofs right at the start are more likely to get noticed and less likely to be forgiven and prompt a back-click.

Cleaned up grammar-wise, I think your post should look more like this:

Edited for Grammar said:

Cullen sat in his car for a few minutes and watched as the other cars entered and exited the parking lot. He felt like he was taking a risk, but he badly wanted to give this a shot. It had been a long time since he'd picked up a guy from the mall. He quickly got out of his car and locked it. He quickly found his way into the vast outdoor mall. He stopped and got a smoothie and walked around the mall. Out of boredom, he walked into Hot Topic, a place he hadn't been in a while. The music was unbearable, but he might have some luck. He looked over the selection of shirts and saw what he was looking for.

"Yes," Cullen whispered as he looked at a shirt with a logo he didn't recognize.

Click to expand...

Poor/Repetitive Word Choice and Awkward/Repetitive Structure
You need to do a bit more crafting on the prose too. Readers have a distinct distaste for repeating words or sentence structures. Repetition is boring.

Edited for Word Choice said:

Cullen dithered in his car for a few minutes, watching as the other drivers entered and exited the parking lot. He felt like he was taking a risk, but it was worth a shot. It had been a long time since he'd picked up a guy from a mall.

He slid from his car and locked it, then merged into the crowd swirling around the vast outdoor mall. He paused for a smoothie as he strolled. Out of boredom, he walked into Hot Topic, a store he hadn't been in a while. The music was unbearable, but it was the kind of place he might have some luck catching someone's eye.

He looked over the selection of shirts and saw what he was looking for. "Yes," Cullen whispered as he looked at a shirt with a logo he didn't recognize.

Click to expand...

Depth and Richness
At the risk of indulging in a sexist cliche, I'd be willing to bet you're male. Why? Because you write like a guy, in unembroidered lists of actions. It's a hard thing to overcome; we fellas (I'm a guy too) are action oriented. The caveman part of me is pretty sure writing a story in bullet points would be a brilliant idea. I have to fight my iinner caveman. You do too.

The picture I think you're looking to paint is of a gay man hoping to pick up a younger partner. Think about how he's going to feel. Insecure? Out of place? Disconnected from youth culture? I'm a pop culture junkie. I soak up Baby Boomer culture and Millenial culture with equal glee. Still, there's going to be times when I'm going to be at a loss just based on an age gap. I tried playing on these issues below.

Massaged for Depth said:

Cullen dithered in his car for a few minutes, watching as the other drivers entered and exited the parking lot. He was making this more complicated than it needed to be and he knew it. This was just a little cruise around the shops to see what was happening. Maybe he'd meet someone. Maybe he wouldn't. Still, it had been a long time since he'd picked up a guy from a mall. Were his mall pickup days behind him? Only one way to find out. He slid from his car and locked it, then merged into the crowd swirling around the vast outdoor shopping center. He paused for a smoothie as he strolled. Hot Topic was worth a visit. He hadn't been into one in a while. The clientele skewed decidedly younger and it was the kind of place he might have some luck catching an eye. The downside became apparent the moment he was ten feet through the door. The store's music beat at his ears that must have grown more delicate at some point.

He skimmed the selection of shirts and saw what he was looking for. "Could work," Cullen whispered as he looked at a fitted long-sleeved tee. He liked its stretchy black fabric, but the upside-down hockey mask logo spread across its chest meant nothing to him. He'd have to learn what it meant before he wore it or risk looking like an idiot.

Click to expand...

Take whatever helps you and leave the rest.

-PF

It seems I'm the dupe here. I've only just realized rckplsky has made his little plaintive mewlings for feedback in the past, then failed to acknowledge or respond when we've offerred it. This is the third time I've been on this ride with you, rckplsky. Shame on both of us I suppose.

Naw, that just makes you a saint.

Well I'm here. Let me know what you think of my stories.....

Thanks PF for all the feedback. I know I need to work on my editing. I post most of my stories without really editing them. I should really take more time in putting them together.

Try reading them out loud.

I know it doesn't help all that much, but everyone say that.


Best to get a VE that doesn't puke when she reads your stuff.

Recognize that you will have a tattered ego when you get it back and you have to turn off the comments to actually read it. However the second pair of eyes will pick up what you wrote and not what you think you wrote.