Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
I'm not a professional editor and can only base the following remarks on my own preferences, but here goes.
The passive voice throughout the piece is a little distracting. For example, "had been shining" could simply be "shined."
A single space should follow each comma, and two spaces are ideal after each ending punctuation. Also, the "..." inclusions seem random; I only use those in dialogue quotations when a character is interrupted by someone or something. Most of the time, a simple period will do nicely.
Paragraph size and line breaks need attention. That first paragraph is 200 words, and I bet it will appear as a huge, eye-crossing block of text when squeezed between Lit's narrow margins. Each new person's quoted dialogue should begin a new paragraph; it breaks up those paragraph blocks, but also helps the reader follow along. I'll admit I gave up when I got to paragraph four because it was difficult to follow.
Why is the character just "Anne V?" If you are basing the character on yourself and want to maintain a hint of privacy, you can always make up a different last name.
A more practiced editor will probably have more thorough comments, but that is what I glimpsed on a brief read of the first few paragraphs. To follow is an example of the above changes to just your first paragraph:
ORIGINAL VERSION:
Police constable Ann V. was sweating under her uniform.The sun had been shining down on the city mercilessly,like it had been doing the whole week.She felt the sweat trickling between her heaving breasts,and down her massive buttocks.She silently cursed herself for not keeping her promise to herself and go to the gym at least two times a week,to lose some of the extra padding she was carrying around...Well,she WAS forty,nobody could expect her to still have a “Barbie doll” figure,could they?At least the thought that most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit extra meat on her bones was comforting,but at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.
Here she was,forty years old,overweight,,unmarried,and still a PC on foot patrol...She cursed the commisioner for giving her this assignment,walking the beat in these silent,blistering hot housing projects,just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity”,whatever that meant...She was muttering to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street,and that was when something hit her on the back of the head, a thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard...
ALTERED:
The merciless sun shined down and Police Constable Ann V(spell name) sweated under her uniform. Perspiration trickled between heaving breasts, down massive buttocks. She cursed herself for abandoning a self-promise to lose her extra padding, but at her age, no one could expect a “Barbie doll” figure, could they? Most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit of extra meat on her bones, though at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.
She hated the commissioner for giving her this assignment, walking the beat in these silent, blistering hot housing projects just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity,” whatever that meant.
“Forty years old, overweight, unmarried, and still a PC on foot patrol,” she muttered to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street. A thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard when something hit her on the back of the head.
”Damn, and she’s a fat bitch too-look at those big fat saggy tits she’s got hanging!”a petite asian girl laughed, pointing at Ann’s sweaty, hanging breasts, quickly stepping forward, grabbing, pincing and turning one of Ann’s nipples hard, making her cry out with pain.”Those are bloomin’ cow’s udders-and look at those big ole pink nipples she has, the ugly things are like saucers-big enough to suckle a calf!”.
”Yeah Sam, you’re right-and look at that fat, flabby beer belly she has hanging-almost covers her cunt, the bitch is not exactly in great shape,”Cat said.
”Yes, but piggy here seems to think she’s some kind of supermodel!Look, she has shaved her cunt completely bald, the slut”, a thin brunette with glasses said, pointing to Ann’s shaved, exposed vagina, the stretched position Ann’s legs were bound in making the labia part slightly, exposing its gleaming pink inner sides.”Probably was ashamed of her firecrotch, the redheaded cow!I can’t wait to put some interesting things in that fat, meaty box of hers, I wanna see how much the old fat bitch’s cunt can take and hold, and I wanna stretch those fat cuntflaps of her till they snap!”
That story is hot as hell, thanks for sharing.
This is my favorite party, love the degradeding remarks on her body
And where is that pic from?
cheers