My Sex Life Is A Drag! Help!

Useful details about us....
-We're both 40
-I'm I'm taller, he's maybe 2 inches shorter.
-Both overweight
-He has a permanently injured knee that doesn't allow full freedom or movement.
-He's on several blood pressure meds that can't be changed
-He has low libido that he's had since teen years.
-Prefers to watch hentai when we're being intimate
-I'm high libido
-He wants sex maybe once a month
-I would prefer twice a week if possible.
-Different positions are challenging for him due to physical limitations
-Is very passive about sex and puts it on me to think of something to fix it.
-Things I suggest he rejects and then gets upset.

So yeah, that's all the details that I think matter for now. I really just want a healthy sex life with my husband. He isn't very open to me doing things to him. He told me once that he didn't masturbate as a teen. Not sure I believe that, but he isn't one to lie. He's terrible at it. I'm not sure how a couple like us can make this aspect of our marriage work better. Just feeling sad about it today and reaching out for help. Thanks if you got through this mess.

bummer

Sorry to read of your frustrations and lack of satisfaction. As with most problems posed by others, my "answers" will be questions. Have you tried porn of various types? Do you get any satisfaction from masturbation? Role play? Has anything worked?
You have my sympathy and condolences.
N

tenchikoi said:

Useful details about us....
-We're both 40
-I'm I'm taller, he's maybe 2 inches shorter.
-Both overweight
-He has a permanently injured knee that doesn't allow full freedom or movement.
-He's on several blood pressure meds that can't be changed
-He has low libido that he's had since teen years.
-Prefers to watch hentai when we're being intimate
-I'm high libido
-He wants sex maybe once a month
-I would prefer twice a week if possible.
-Different positions are challenging for him due to physical limitations
-Is very passive about sex and puts it on me to think of something to fix it.
-Things I suggest he rejects and then gets upset.

So yeah, that's all the details that I think matter for now. I really just want a healthy sex life with my husband. He isn't very open to me doing things to him. He told me once that he didn't masturbate as a teen. Not sure I believe that, but he isn't one to lie. He's terrible at it. I'm not sure how a couple like us can make this aspect of our marriage work better. Just feeling sad about it today and reaching out for help. Thanks if you got through this mess.

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, still. You have mentioned in previous threads (here, here, here) that physical intimacy is lacking in your relationship; you have noticed it before you got married. There were some excellent suggestions provided by many knowledgeable poster; maybe it's time to revisit them?

It may also be a good time to bring up couple's therapy. Instead of presenting it as trying to fix something, why not suggest to your husband that you would like to try counselling as a way of making your relationship stronger. After all, you go see a trainer at the gym when you want to make your body stronger; an outside therapist/counsellor is a trained professional who can offer objective insight.

And sex, and lack of, is often indicative of the health of the relationship outside of the bedroom. It's rarely (though may be entirely possible) the only aspect of a relationship that isn't going well - it's often a symptom of a larger issue.

Perhaps you may ask him to open up the relationship where you can seek to satisfy your sexual desires with a caring partner. Or it may be time to entertain the thought of divorcing him. These are not easy decisions, but you do deserve to be happy. If someone is making you unhappy, and you have tried everything to change the situation, then maybe it's time to consider the possibility of leaving said environment. It's not a failure; it's merely a change.
I know you said multiple times that you love your husband, that a lack of sex isn't worth leaving him and that you won't die from not having sex, but it is obviously important to you, or you wouldn't be bothered by it. You are dying a little each day, and it will get worse as the years go by. Being unloved and feeling completely undesired destroys who you are, shattering your very perception of self. It's not fun to realise that who you are is simply dust. Trust me.

Good luck. You do not have an easy path, but in the end, the decision has to be made by you.

Oh and by the way, height difference, especially two inches, shouldn't cause any issues in the bedroom. A former boyfriend of mine was (and I assume still is, but I haven't seen him in years, so who knows if he had some weird-ass surgery) a full 4 inches shorter than I, and we didn't have any problems whatsoever on that front.

5 years

I didn't think there was much I could offer today beyond what I wrote nearly 5 years ago.

Reading your post today was also a reminder to myself that hoping for change without affecting change is just nonsense approach to life. How much of my current stresses are really just of the same for - well - forever really? What have I actually done to change, to stop the situations reoccurring?

Will you continue to post of this situation over the next five years? The next ten years?

You wrote of hopes and dreams which really were normal expectations of life. They are just not going to happen with this partner, not ever. They could happen with another partner though.

You should leave the relationship immediately. You have no reason to feel guilt except for perhaps not doing it years ago. No one will judge badly of you. You can feel sorry for the loss of the ideal that never happened but you have no reason to feel sad or sorry for your husband when you step toward a better life. He is dragging you into a lifelong pit of misery - that is his shit - let him deal with it.

You once mentioned that you wanted children and felt you had been lied to. That was your ultimate "out" way back then and it still is. You only get one crack at this life, don't fuck it up over someone who is a fuck up.

He is not your issue and you did not sign up to be his keeper.

get out get out get out

Five years ago

tenchikoi said:

No, it's certainly not a deal breaker. I may deserve great sex, but I wont die without it.

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NightL said:

...but you will die a thousand deaths inside, and it will get worse as the years go by. You will resent him, and he will pull away further. You will then resent him all the more.


You need to sort this one out fast. Don't let him place his insecurities on you. You are not the one needing to adjust. What you are wishing for in a relationship is perfectly normal and quite frankly, essential.

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It IS a deal breaker and the whole thing was irreparably broken years ago.

Sorry for sounding harsh but for fuck sake get out of that misery - The only chance now for you to have a happy healthy relationship is for you to leave and get what you deserve out of life with another person.

Ok, here's what you can do.

1) Tolerate it.
That's easy. Just live as you are living now, get old, wait for the menopause and then your sex drive will be gone, problem solved.

2) Get him to change.
That's a fairy tale. Get him to lose weight, then go to the gym. That will help with blood pressure AND the knee AND libido. Get in shape yourself, hone a sexy body that any man will desire. Realistic? Yeah, it is. Like, as realistic as winning a lottery, because it's really hard to affect another person to make such a change.
And changing that much requires a Fairy Godmother and Peter Pan combined.

3) Break up, find another man.
That's hard. But possible. I will say the truth now but it's harder to find a good pair at forty than it is at twenty. Especially if you are overweight yourself.

3.1) Break up, find another man, but also - fix yourself
That's both harder and easier than #3. Get fit. Get sexy and desirable. Finding a good match would be much easier then, but I know from experience that losing even a little bit of weight takes effort. Looking after yourself takes effort. But I believe that it's in THIS option that your happiness lies. It's just the question of how much work are you ready to put into that.

4) find yourself a lover.
Depends on how overweight you are, but yeah, pretty easy. I think you know what the complications are though.

I read your postings over the last three years

And sadly its the same issue.
If you are highly sexed and your husband is not then there is not a lot you can do together.

Would he allow you to have a lover?
Sex toys? Would he watch you using a vibrator?
Another woman as you say he likes f/f porn.

As you well know you options are limited.

Best of luck

Nezhul said:

Ok, here's what you can do.

1) Tolerate it.
That's easy. Just live as you are living now, get old, wait for the menopause and then your sex drive will be gone, problem solved.

2) Get him to change.
That's a fairy tale. Get him to lose weight, then go to the gym. That will help with blood pressure AND the knee AND libido. Get in shape yourself, hone a sexy body that any man will desire. Realistic? Yeah, it is. Like, as realistic as winning a lottery, because it's really hard to affect another person to make such a change.
And changing that much requires a Fairy Godmother and Peter Pan combined.

3) Break up, find another man.
That's hard. But possible. I will say the truth now but it's harder to find a good pair at forty than it is at twenty. Especially if you are overweight yourself.

3.1) Break up, find another man, but also - fix yourself
That's both harder and easier than #3. Get fit. Get sexy and desirable. Finding a good match would be much easier then, but I know from experience that losing even a little bit of weight takes effort. Looking after yourself takes effort. But I believe that it's in THIS option that your happiness lies. It's just the question of how much work are you ready to put into that.

4) find yourself a lover.
Depends on how overweight you are, but yeah, pretty easy. I think you know what the complications are though.

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I couldn't agree more.

I can empathise with the situation you are in and from being in a similar spot I know that one of the first things required is taking some self responsibility and understanding why you haven't been able to improve your circumstances?

Then if you decide that your relationship cannot be mended it's time to start again. If you decide that you want to fix yourself too be prepared for pain, regret and so many other emotions... please note it's worth it though - the pride, self worth, love and respect you will have for doing something positive for yourself.

Good luck xx

BiAsianGirl said:

I couldn't agree more.

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with what? All Nezhul's comments about weight and "I will say the truth now but it's harder to find a good pair at forty than it is at twenty."

...basically what a total load of bullshit

Nezhul, if you were single at 40 - I suggest it was your narrow minded judgemental personality than any extra weight you carried that kept you without a partner. Not really surprising with what you just posted.

Your whole post crawled with ickiness.

"Body beautiful" will never win with a crippled personality, but a beautiful personality will win over the world.

Ahem. Read my posts for what they are.

Tell me, with the same type of personality, when your chances to find a partner are higher - when you are fit or when you are obese?

I'd like to hear you argue that it doesn't matter.

I leave the personality out of the equasion, because you can't really change it. You can start forcing yourself to do stuff that matters - but you can't change your personal outlook on things.
Thus, talking about personality is not relevant at all in this discussion.

So, a couple things...

Not really sure how overweight you or your partner are. More importantly, I don't know how much it matters in relation to the problems you are having. I understand that it has some affect in your sex life in regards to mobility, positioning, and probably energy. It is never a bad idea to loose weight if needed. It would improve your health, energy level, and maybe confidence. It is not 'necessary' to loose weight if you are happy with who you are. And some men prefer and are looking for a heavy woman. So, the issue of weight loss depends on your personal goals.

Secondly, I don't know how much of a factor 'good sex' is versus the companionship, love, and possible future with your husband. It sounds as if you definitely want sex and/or intimacy much more than he does. It sounds like you feel neglected and undesirable. It sounds like he has little interest in correcting this. So, the question is really - what do YOU 'need' in order to live a happy life? Is it enough to settle for mediocre intimacy in trade for stability or the comfort of commitment? Sometimes people stay in a 'not so perfect' relationship because it's easier than starting over (new living arrangements, meeting someone, dating, etc). Sometimes they stay because they're afraid they won't find anything better. And sometimes we make compromises just to settle for 'comfortable'. Only you can decide what you want out of life or a relationship.

That being said, I think you should focus on yourself. It is never good to depend on, or expect, someone else to make you happy. Indulge yourself. Do things that boost your self esteem. Start a beauty/health routine that you enjoy. (Take a nice soak in the tub, buy bath salts or shower gels in a fragrance you like, do a short exercise routine to boost your energy, and make the effort to look nice - for yourself, not anyone else) Pamper yourself with a spa day just because you're worth it! Take a painting or yoga class for extra social activities or just for something fulfilling to do. You get the idea. Make yourself happy.

As for the sex - buy some toys, get some sexy lingerie, read erotic stories, watch a porn...don't give up on, or exclude, your husband, but if he isn't interested or can't satisfy you...take care of yourself!

I think, if you learn to make yourself happy you will notice a big change in the things around you as well. Maybe your husband will find your new confidence appealing. Maybe he'll see the effort you are making and make more of an effort to improve as well. Maybe you will meet someone new and take a step in that direction. Maybe you'll simply discover yourself or gain a new perspective. You have to make the effort, but the results are basically a win no matter what.

A happy, confident woman who knows what she wants can accomplish anything.

Nezhul said:

Ahem. Read my posts for what they are.

Tell me, with the same type of personality, when your chances to find a partner are higher - when you are fit or when you are obese?

I'd like to hear you argue that it doesn't matter.

I leave the personality out of the equasion, because you can't really change it. You can start forcing yourself to do stuff that matters - but you can't change your personal outlook on things.
Thus, talking about personality is not relevant at all in this discussion.

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You cannot, because attractiveness and sexiness is highly subjective. How do you also properly quantify 'personality'? You cannot.

Personality can change, and it does change, based on experience and insight gained. If it doesn't, then there is a serious problem with the individual. Are you the same as you were at five? At fifteen? At twenty five? Are you the same after joining this site - after reading this post? No. You are in a constant state of flux, or I hope. Therefore your hypothetical premise is so deeply flawed that it should be relegated into the realm of 'alt-facts'.

The point is your post is highly subjective. Just because YOU find appeal in a certain aesthetic does not mean that others do. People are attracted to a number different physical attributes, including those that defy conventional, westernised plastic beauty. You and your tastes, my dear, are not the template for what is sexy and desirable.

In your first post, you do not talk about personality. You talk about weight and told her that the key to her happiness may lie in losing weight and getting a partner. How is that helpful when the poor woman is struggling and have been for years?

Your focus on weight (and we do not even know what the OP means by 'overweight'. For a number of people, and women especially, even being over by a kilo constitutes as 'overweight') adds nothing and does not help her whatsoever. You blatantly suggested that she should alter the way she looks to become not only sexy and desirable, but also to be happy. And that is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Being healthy (for the person, however that means) contributes to happiness, but it is one of a multitude of factors, not the single factor, which you so openly implied.
(For what is worth, the world is not divided in thin, fit and obese peoples.)

If the OP is healthy and happy with her physical appearance and her doctor is not concerned with her weight, then it's none of any our fucking business to tell her to, and I quote, "Get fit. Get sexy and desirable. Finding a good match would be much easier then" because you happen to "believe that it's in THIS option that your happiness lies"*. Her happiness lies in herself, not some preconceived rubric of sexy and desirability that has no basis in fact whatsoever.

The OP has a lot of self work to do; some of it may entail working out in order to optimise her health, however that is determined by herself and her doctor. But it is not for us to decide. It's for the OP to do so. Her situation is what needs to change, not her fucking appearance so that she can 'get another man' and to be desirable the way you think she should be.

Nezhul said:

Ahem. Read my posts for what they are.

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Oh I certainly did. Your weight issues indicate a lot about your personality. Basically that was what I was talking of.

Nezhul said:

Tell me, with the same type of personality, when your chances to find a partner are higher - when you are fit or when you are obese?

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Where on earth did the word "Obese" come from? Your weight issues again?

Nezhul said:

I'd like to hear you argue that it doesn't matter.

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It doesn't matter. - Happy?

Nezhul said:

I leave the personality out of the equasion, because you can't really change it. You can start forcing yourself to do stuff that matters - but you can't change your personal outlook on things.

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Who was talking of changing personality? I was suggesting the OP affect a change in the situation that has concerned her over the last five years, as it is apparent her husband views her happiness not worthy of an effort. If someone's hair grows long, wishing it shorter won't change a thing - getting it cut will.

Nezhul said:

Thus, talking about personality is not relevant at all in this discussion.

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Actually I was talking of your personality, based on your weight issues, as being shallow and as such I would view it a highly unattractive trait in anyone.

No matter how you swirl the sludge at the bottom of the bucket, it is still sludge - but I expect you will give it another attempt.

Tell me, with the same type of personality, when your chances to find a partner are higher - when you are fit or when you are obese?

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It doesn't matter. - Happy?

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In what kind of a fairy tale world of tolerance and acceptance are you living in?

People, on the whole, are judgmental as fuck. They WILL look for your looks, even if it's considered a poor taste to acknowledge that fact.

Sure, there are people who like their partner to be plump, overweight or even plainly fat. But those are the minority.

How many men would prefer their girlfriend to be fit and slim? You will find that WAY over 50%. Thus, if the majority view fit shape as attractive, it will be much easier to find yourself a date if you are fit than if you are "overweight". That's simple numbers.

It is self-delusion to think that "looks aren't important". Because they are. They are one of the main driving forces of evolution, and paying attention to looks is instinctual. Being attracted to fit people with healthy skin and healthy looks - is instinctual.

Your weight issues indicate a lot about your personality.

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I'm talking about weight because it is one of the two defining factors that the OP posted. She doesn't really provide any other information about herself or her husband at all that can be changed.
She: Overweight, has high libido
He: Overweight, has low libido, watches hentai, has an injured knee.

Thus I work with what I have. If she shared more of herself, I might have given other advice, but all we know about her is that she's "overweight and has a high libido."
That's all. And only one of those things needs any advice given about it.

based on your weight issues...

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I believe it's you who is overweight here and is hurt by my words. Get a grip and go to the gym, if that's the case. It's easier to tell yourself that you are just fine and that weight doesn't matter, but it does.
I was overweight before, I did just that and now I'm fine. Perhaps I even had "weight issues", but thank god for them, because they made me stop drinking cola and get my ass out of the chair.

Nezhul said:

Thus, if the majority view fit shape as attractive, it will be much easier to find yourself a date if you are fit than if you are "overweight". That's simple numbers.

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I don't think that increasing the amount of frogs to kiss reduces the time and effort to find a partner for a stable relationship.

Primalex said:

I don't think that increasing the amount of frogs to kiss reduces the time and effort to find a partner for a stable relationship.

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It doesnt, but the odds of finding the one that turns into a prince might be more in your favor. But what do I know...I've bought a hundred lottery tickets and never won anything.

If my partner wouldn't have sex with me, I would negotiate in someone who wanted to have sex with me. I know that would likely be difficult -- but the alternative is cruel.

tenchikoi, I was in a very similar situation as yours, and I echo NightL's excellent advice: get out.

I too was overweight, married to an overweight man, and rarely had sex. I was all about the silent anger, and it was a terrible way to spend 20 years.

He left me for a former friend of mine, with a tiny waist and big boobs, three small children, a husband, and a damsel in distress complex. They're together/not together - she's still with hubby, but my ex is openly a third, and he is constantly miserable.

He is miserable because he wants to be miserable. He doesn't know any other way.

I can look at her sexpot looks, and feel inadequate (waves at Nezhul) because I am still overweight. Or I can look at my changed outlook, and my determination to allow happiness into my life - and even ask it to stay for a while - and I can be grateful for the learning experience that was my first marriage.

Since the separation (still waiting on the full legal divorce), I have had five lovers and many more men I have flirted with, both online and dated in person. I'm still overweight. I put more effort into my looks now, because I don't hate my life anymore - but that scale hasn't moved much.

Far more important is that I am fully aware that my life is in my hands, and if I want the safety of misery, I can access it whenever - but if I want the thrill and glow of joy, I have to try, to chance my hand. It's a far better life now.

I wish you joy, and the hands to grasp it.