slyc_willie
Captain Crash
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2006
- Posts
- 17,732
F5: Desperate Times and Measures
Spoi . . . ah, you know the drill by now.
I want to point out that the original title of this story was Desperate Times, Desperate Measures, but it wouldn't fit. So I had to get a little creative with the title.
While introspective pieces like this do tend to be long, I felt this one dragged out too often. There were big chunks of narrative, and some long trails of dialogue that seemed to repeat themselves over and over. I couldn't help but gloss over some of them, looking for key words instead of reading every single one. I don't like doing that when reading a story.
But, the story itself was an interesting look at a man who had attempted to kill his wife's perceived lover, then escaped to Belize. The internal struggles, the self-loathing, all the things you would expect from a man in such a situation were all there. While the telling of it was often flat, there's only so much a writer can do to spruce up such a depressing state of affairs.
I thought Sandra came off as too eager to come back. Not many women would want to be with a man who had tried to kill someone else based on supposition. But she came back crawling, and more, she put up with Dan having sex in the bedroom with another woman while she sat on the porch. I couldn't find much to like about Dan after that scene. He came close to redeeming himself by the end, however.
I guess for the LW crowd, this would be a pleaser because Dan remained the macho husband throughout the story, with the women in his life jumping up and down to get his attention and cater to his needs. There is, I know, a large segment of readers who love stories like this, and I'm not knocking them. Everyone has their preferences. But this story didn't exactly pull at my heart strings or make me cheer for anyone.
Desperate did, however, do an excellent job of getting into Dan's head. Some of the narrative may have been tedious, but it illustrated the pain, anger, frustration and desire to find reason a man in that situation would feel. Kudos for that.
I liked how the items on the table were repeatedly used, however. There was a strong sense of poignancy when they were mentioned, and they were used well. It wasn't a requirement for the challenge that the objects even be used, but that they played a central part in the story showed that this story had been built -- in part -- around them.
It was a good story, but I feel it could have been shorter.
Spoi . . . ah, you know the drill by now.
I want to point out that the original title of this story was Desperate Times, Desperate Measures, but it wouldn't fit. So I had to get a little creative with the title.
While introspective pieces like this do tend to be long, I felt this one dragged out too often. There were big chunks of narrative, and some long trails of dialogue that seemed to repeat themselves over and over. I couldn't help but gloss over some of them, looking for key words instead of reading every single one. I don't like doing that when reading a story.
But, the story itself was an interesting look at a man who had attempted to kill his wife's perceived lover, then escaped to Belize. The internal struggles, the self-loathing, all the things you would expect from a man in such a situation were all there. While the telling of it was often flat, there's only so much a writer can do to spruce up such a depressing state of affairs.
I thought Sandra came off as too eager to come back. Not many women would want to be with a man who had tried to kill someone else based on supposition. But she came back crawling, and more, she put up with Dan having sex in the bedroom with another woman while she sat on the porch. I couldn't find much to like about Dan after that scene. He came close to redeeming himself by the end, however.
I guess for the LW crowd, this would be a pleaser because Dan remained the macho husband throughout the story, with the women in his life jumping up and down to get his attention and cater to his needs. There is, I know, a large segment of readers who love stories like this, and I'm not knocking them. Everyone has their preferences. But this story didn't exactly pull at my heart strings or make me cheer for anyone.
Desperate did, however, do an excellent job of getting into Dan's head. Some of the narrative may have been tedious, but it illustrated the pain, anger, frustration and desire to find reason a man in that situation would feel. Kudos for that.
I liked how the items on the table were repeatedly used, however. There was a strong sense of poignancy when they were mentioned, and they were used well. It wasn't a requirement for the challenge that the objects even be used, but that they played a central part in the story showed that this story had been built -- in part -- around them.
It was a good story, but I feel it could have been shorter.