FAWC 5: Line, Please!

Swilly said:

C'mon, JBJ.

Do you really want to get "the mouth" going again? It's been nice and quiet for a few hours!

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Interesting that you would prefer JBJ's obvious boorish behavior on this thread to my pointing them out to him. But at least it gives you the opportunities you seek for unprovoked personal attack, I guess. How like LC.

Swilly said:

C'mon, JBJ.

Do you really want to get "the mouth" going again? It's been nice and quiet for a few hours!

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I wouldn't dream of pissing on your High 5 hug-a-thon. I mean, you may be as incapable of appreciating better as was the young Helen Keller.

sr71plt said:

Interesting that you would prefer JBJ's obvious boorish behavior on this thread to my pointing them out to him. But at least it gives you the opportunities you seek for unprovoked personal attack, I guess. How like LC.

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The thread has been nice without the stupidity, and I have no qualms about saying it. And I never mentioned you anyway. Do you have a persecution complex or something?

As I've written several days ago, I'll no longer point out YOUR behavior to others. Anyone that sticks around for a couple weeks gets it without me having to point it out.

Oh, and if you think I'm LC, lemme know the next time you're down in Manhattan. I'll meet you in Times Square or some other crowded place (so you don't pee yourself getting all scared thinking I'll whack you in the head) and show you what an ass you are for thinking that.

Until then: You're dead to me.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I wouldn't dream of pissing on your High 5 hug-a-thon. I mean, you may be as incapable of appreciating better as was the young Helen Keller.

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I may be. I'll openly admit that I'm no critic, and never claim to be. This ain't my area of expertise.

HOW TO SPOT A PILOT PLOT

Look for a boss or other authority figure bending the victim over a chair, table, sawhorse, etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk_ilymWo4s

PILOTS THEME SONG

AMoveableBeast said:

Hmmm. I had you pegged for Bluetooth Slyc. The ending seems like you. Your review throws me. Then again, maybe you are just a clever, clever boy. The Midnight Ball? I just don't see you passing up the impetus to get your dark on here. Two stories maybe...

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I'm thinking that the word "fleufenkegenheifel" gives him away.

I'm sure this was covered in the first FAWC, but it's my turn to resist responding to the comments on my story. Ha.

Well just read another one and... oh. Shit. The little quarrel again. It's going to be ok guys, one day you'll realize the truth... there is no spoon.

Anyway contrary to any popular belief these stories are pretty fuckin cool so far. I mean I like some more, some a little less, but I never feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over. It's like the Ghost of FAWCsmas Present is whisking me across the place and showing me these different takes on the same three items... and, like, different people fucking n stuff. We need a "Mammoth Book of FAWC" or something.

I'm leaving comments on the stories. I suppose I could go back and leave them here for all to see via copy and paste, but I'll wait to see what "Post Fawc Discussion" cooks up. It's way cooler speaking amongst the authors. In the event my lazy ass can't read ever story and people still want rambling wayward long winded absurd over thought unplanned out feedback, I'd be happy to read anyone's story thereafter and provide thoughts.

Off to read and do paperwork again ( and hope I don't scrawl a story review on a work order or something.)

sr71plt said:

I'm thinking that the word "fleufenkegenheifel" gives him away.

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I have no idea what that means . . . .

jomar said:

I'm sure this was covered in the first FAWC, but it's my turn to resist responding to the comments on my story. Ha.

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It is a powerful urge, isn't it? You want to thank someone, or clarify a point made or just acknowledge that you messed something up. But resistance is not futile. You can do it.

SecondCircle said:

Well just read another one and... oh. Shit. The little quarrel again. It's going to be ok guys, one day you'll realize the truth... there is no spoon.

Anyway contrary to any popular belief these stories are pretty fuckin cool so far. I mean I like some more, some a little less, but I never feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over. It's like the Ghost of FAWCsmas Present is whisking me across the place and showing me these different takes on the same three items... and, like, different people fucking n stuff. We need a "Mammoth Book of FAWC" or something.

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If it ever comes to that, I have every single FAWC story saved on my hard drive.

I'm leaving comments on the stories. I suppose I could go back and leave them here for all to see via copy and paste, but I'll wait to see what "Post Fawc Discussion" cooks up. It's way cooler speaking amongst the authors. In the event my lazy ass can't read ever story and people still want rambling wayward long winded absurd over thought unplanned out feedback, I'd be happy to read anyone's story thereafter and provide thoughts.

Off to read and do paperwork again ( and hope I don't scrawl a story review on a work order or something.)

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I have no doubt that practically everyone is checking their individual stories and reading the comments you and others have left. I'm also sure they're either composing thank-you notes or sharpening their knives, as well.

slyc_willie said:

I have no idea what that means . . . .



It is a powerful urge, isn't it? You want to thank someone, or clarify a point made or just acknowledge that you messed something up. But resistance is not futile. You can do it.



If it ever comes to that, I have every single FAWC story saved on my hard drive.



I have no doubt that practically everyone is checking their individual stories and reading the comments you and others have left. I'm also sure they're either composing thank-you notes or sharpening their knives, as well.

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Oh I learned that you can high 5 writers all the time, and the first time you hint things aren't incredible they pull out their knives.

On Arranged Marriages:

I wasn't sure what I thought of this story, although it kept me intrigued enough to keep reading. I think I would have done so even if I'd just stumbled across it on my mind. I don't know that any of the individual elements were too original, but they combined well.

Commenters have said that no one is really too nice, aside from Nina, but no one says your characters have to be nice or sympathetic. I find if you can relate to them somehow, understand their motivations, "nice" doesn't matter so much.

I realized after a while that one thing that bugged me was the end. It is heavily implied that Charlie uses the knife to kill Audra, and sets it up to look like a suicide. Except that as I understand it, women -- for the most part -- do not kill themselves in violent manners like that. A woman is more likely to take pills, for example, than to shoot herself. I'm not saying that any author has to adhere to this, but it seems to me that if you want to set up something to look like a suicide, using the knife on the neck isn't going to work very well.

OTOH, perhaps it's a first step in Charlie's world unraveling.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Oh I learned that you can high 5 writers all the time, and the first time you hint things aren't incredible they pull out their knives.

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Not the first time. Just the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, usually the eighth, most often the ninth, undoubtedly the tenth, hands down the eleventh, no question the twelfth....

I've left pretty unfavorable feedback before, but I never phrase it as "this just sucks its hawgwash". I've received negative feedback before as well. My approach to feedback is to be constructive. I'll pour us a glass of cheap whiskey and talk about the highlights and the pitfalls. And usually, authors respond well. It's no secret that FAWCers love them some feedback. The very idea of the anonymity is so that you get honest reads and things remain honest, whether it's positive or negative feedback.

No contest is without flaws... humans could fuck up paradise. But I think FAWC works well. We discuss writing, share stories, learn, get feedback from reader and author alike, and see a diverse set of styles and skills.

So if you whup a child, at least let him know what it was fer. Or else he'll keep doing the same ole shit.

SecondCircle said:

Not the first time. Just the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, usually the eighth, most often the ninth, undoubtedly the tenth, hands down the eleventh, no question the twelfth....

I've left pretty unfavorable feedback before, but I never phrase it as "this just sucks its hawgwash". I've received negative feedback before as well. My approach to feedback is to be constructive. I'll pour us a glass of cheap whiskey and talk about the highlights and the pitfalls. And usually, authors respond well. It's no secret that FAWCers love them some feedback. The very idea of the anonymity is so that you get honest reads and things remain honest, whether it's positive or negative feedback.

No contest is without flaws... humans could fuck up paradise. But I think FAWC works well. We discuss writing, share stories, learn, get feedback from reader and author alike, and see a diverse set of styles and skills.

So if you whup a child, at least let him know what it was fer. Or else he'll keep doing the same ole shit.

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Bingo.

slyc_willie said:

Bingo.

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Damn. I only needed O 69 to get four corners!

patientlee said:

Damn. I only needed O 69 to get four corners!

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Those damn elusive 69s . . . .

patientlee said:

Damn. I only needed O 69 to get four corners!

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Nice.

This message contains feedback for: FAWCker
About the submission: F5: Mesmerized
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Title:

I liked it

Comments:

I liked the opening. One of my favorites of the entire contest. You used the opening line exceptionally well. I thought some of the descriptions were drawn out and I hate to say it, there were a few spots where you needed a second set of editors eyes... However, that didn't detract me as they were minor. I liked it, it built well, But I have to agree with some of the others, the end seemed as if you couldn't figure out where you wanted to go so you rushed it a bit. But I did like it overall and voted it nicely. Well done.

*DO NOT hit the REPLY button to respond to this email.*

slyc_willie said:

Those damn elusive 69s . . . .

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But the 69's usually have lots of O's.

SecondCircle said:

Not the first time. Just the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, usually the eighth, most often the ninth, undoubtedly the tenth, hands down the eleventh, no question the twelfth....

I've left pretty unfavorable feedback before, but I never phrase it as "this just sucks its hawgwash". I've received negative feedback before as well. My approach to feedback is to be constructive. I'll pour us a glass of cheap whiskey and talk about the highlights and the pitfalls. And usually, authors respond well. It's no secret that FAWCers love them some feedback. The very idea of the anonymity is so that you get honest reads and things remain honest, whether it's positive or negative feedback.

No contest is without flaws... humans could fuck up paradise. But I think FAWC works well. We discuss writing, share stories, learn, get feedback from reader and author alike, and see a diverse set of styles and skills.

So if you whup a child, at least let him know what it was fer. Or else he'll keep doing the same ole shit.

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Blame my clinical perfesser. He never minced words. At the end of grad school we sat with him and heard the verdict. He told me he didn't fear I'd kill anyone and hoped he was never my client but was compelled to pass me. Then he moved on to a guy named Bob. It was painful to observe. He told Bob it would be immoral and criminal to pass him, and intended to work against Bob with the other clinical perfessers. Then he told Bob what he really felt. Brutal.

Some of the people here are so narcissistic they cant handle anything less insulting than a high 5. Plus I don't give a shit how people take my comments. I'm not gonna get laid, no Christmas cards, no testimonials. And they aint children, as you suggest..

Dear FAWC participant. Your submission isn't #1, its #2. Get over it.

I managed to get some time in to read a story while the kiddo was playing outside . . . .

F5: A Craving for Brandy

Spoiler, spoiler, spoiler . . . .

There's using stereotypes and then there's abusing them. I thought this little story tipped toward the latter. The main character, Nick, is a standard executive in a company. The premise of the story is that he has a position to fill and he wants it filled promptly. So he takes over the next interview, which happens to be with the young bimbo, Brandy.

I would have been fine with the way Brandy was described if the rest of the story hadn't tried to be serious. Had this been a satire from the beginning, then Brandy pulling out her nail file when Nick told her there would be filing involved would have been appropriate for the story. But I have a hard time thinking anyone would be quite that dumb.

The resulting seduction was awkward. Strangely enough, the way Brandy had been portrayed more or less made me expect the "if I fuck you, can I have the job" routine she basically offered. But then the seduction flipped around and she's wailing like a white trash princess. Then it flips back and she's calling Nick her boyfriend. I was confused. I'm not sure what the story was about.

The ending was abrupt and confusing. I wasn't sure if Nick was fantasizing that the girl was in his home, or that she actually was. If the former, then I think the story ended on an appropriate note, with a sense of regret that he had not let the seduction follow through in the office. But if the latter, then I'm left feeling Nick just got himself a psychotic girlfriend whether he likes it or not.

F5: Cooking It Up

Spoiler . . . .

This one was a fun little gay male romp. It's only one page long and is a pretty quick read. I didn't mind at all how the story began with the required line. Making the story about the process -- or something like it -- of crafting a story was an interesting take.

From there it becomes a pretty predictable escalation of sexual tension between the two men, Brian and Danford. It's a nice combination of direct gay male frankness and a little tenderness. You know where the story is going and you want to get there with the two men.

However, I had a problem with the dialogue. It starts off well, with fairly distinct voices for the two men. But at some point, the dialogue is indistinguishable from narrative. I felt like Brian was reading from a teleprompter, or performing for a hidden camera and he wanted to make sure he got his lines right.

Overall, this story was exactly what it was intended to be: a gay male stroker.

I'm never quite sure where to leave feedback for an author, so I default to the comments because it might draw more eyes to the story for the brief moment that my comment appears on story list.

If I hate a story, I'll leave it unread and typically, unvoted for, too.

If it's a friend and I have a criticism and I know that person loves more feedback, I'll send it to them in a private message rather than comment at the end.

If a story keeps me around until the end, I'm generous with ratings - that's nearly always a 5 unless there were real issues with the story, then a four.

For those I haven't read, I'm going to do what I can to get through them all. Sorry if I don't get to your story!

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Blame my clinical perfesser. He never minced words. At the end of grad school we sat with him and heard the verdict. He told me he didn't fear I'd kill anyone and hoped he was never my client but was compelled to pass me. Then he moved on to a guy named Bob. It was painful to observe. He told Bob it would be immoral and criminal to pass him, and intended to work against Bob with the other clinical perfessers. Then he told Bob what he really felt. Brutal.

Some of the people here are so narcissistic they cant handle anything less insulting than a high 5. Plus I don't give a shit how people take my comments. I'm not gonna get laid, no Christmas cards, no testimonials. And they aint children, as you suggest..

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Aye no one wants to change what you think. You're JBJ. You're probably gonna do you regardless what people think. There may very well some authors who can't take criticism, who can't take it on the chin.

But I mean you're not exactly providing any criticism. It's kinda just "you suck" analogies and poor writing quality reminders. Over and over and over again. A simple "you suck" is fine, writers don't have to have more than "I liked it" or "that sucked balls". But you could just say this shit sucks and move along. Its like bitching about how bad a movie is and staying to the end, or worse coming back to see it over and over. Stop eating yogurt if it tastes like shit. Stop telling people a hundred times why its tastes like shit. That, or at least give a good reason why if you're going to stick around.

Look I'm all about some slap in the face wake up call feedback. When it comes to this contest, I'm hoping someone tears mine to shreds. But I wanna hear logic behind their spittle, not whining.

Not trying to drive you out (no matter how many would hoist me on their shoulders for doing so). You can have this chair over here by the bar near me. But if you just cuss about civil war bullets and rust stains the whole time I'm spiking your glass with laxative. Others in the room will listen if you provide them a coherent chain of thought on why the stories fell short for you.

<shoots whiskey> Just keep the snarling down James I've got more reading to do.

The Sex Manual

SPOILERS ahead, probably, if you haven't read it.

This story had some neat pieces but they didn't all seem to fit together, and the characters didn't have a ton of development. I couldn't really feel for anyone, except for Spyre.

I'm all for dystopias, and I liked the "Bottleneck Event" name, but the whole thing didn't sit quite right with me. Mostly it was the idea of taking "thousands" of years to lose the rituals, etc, that went with sex. I'd think if you have a virus that causes a severe loss of sex drive, it's not really going to take thousands of years to lose the things that go along with sex. People can move and adapt quickly, including establishing new routines, habits and rituals. Decades, perhaps even a couple of centuries, would have maee more sense to me, but "thousands" threw me off.

The ending also felt a bit rushed, and I couldn't shake the feeling that Helena was kind of dense, although I don't think it was entirely her fault. It was nice to see a happy ending, but it felt a bit forced.