Blind_Justice
Universe builder
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Once again I have to agree with Ellie. AMoveableBeast's comments are very thorough and the one on mine made me grin like an idiot.
FAWC 5: Line, Please!
- Thread starter FAWCker
- Start date
JagFarlane
Gone Hiking
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- Apr 14, 2003
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Heading home from a conference, read a couple so far but hoping to catch up with reading this weekend.
AMoveableBeast
Literotica Guru
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I'm glad I'm doing some service. It's my privilege to read them. I didn't come here just for the pretty avatars. 
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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F5: Transitions
Spoiler alert! Don't read this post if you haven't read the story.
If you ever wanted to know what the result would be if a crime novelist corresponded with a romance novelist, Transitions would be the answer. It started off nicely surreal, then melded into a modern crime drama with only a sentence.
While I take issue a bit with the supposed ass-dragging going on behind the scenes on the detective's side of things, it did at least keep the story from being bogged down by technical details, which a lot of detective stories tend to do. It also gave Simpson the time to read the dead woman's diary. So in the context of this story, the inefficiency of the department, ironically enough worked and reminded me that this wasn't a detective story after all, but a tragedy/romance.
I rather liked the flipping back and forth between first and third person. It was jarring the first time, but then it served its purpose: to tell the reader that anything written in third person is a flashback to the dead woman's life. The scenes were tender and romantic, nice little snapshots of a supposedly perfect life that met with tragedy.
The development of Simpson's and Cheryl's romance was a sort of write-in for me. I get that it was an implied development, handled as tersely as the characters themselves, but I think it could have used a little more work. Maybe just another couple of paragraphs, a little more about their feelings for each other, a sex scene, something to make it seem less flat.
But a good story, and well written. A few minor grammatical errors, but they were easily ignored.
Spoiler alert! Don't read this post if you haven't read the story.
If you ever wanted to know what the result would be if a crime novelist corresponded with a romance novelist, Transitions would be the answer. It started off nicely surreal, then melded into a modern crime drama with only a sentence.
While I take issue a bit with the supposed ass-dragging going on behind the scenes on the detective's side of things, it did at least keep the story from being bogged down by technical details, which a lot of detective stories tend to do. It also gave Simpson the time to read the dead woman's diary. So in the context of this story, the inefficiency of the department, ironically enough worked and reminded me that this wasn't a detective story after all, but a tragedy/romance.
I rather liked the flipping back and forth between first and third person. It was jarring the first time, but then it served its purpose: to tell the reader that anything written in third person is a flashback to the dead woman's life. The scenes were tender and romantic, nice little snapshots of a supposedly perfect life that met with tragedy.
The development of Simpson's and Cheryl's romance was a sort of write-in for me. I get that it was an implied development, handled as tersely as the characters themselves, but I think it could have used a little more work. Maybe just another couple of paragraphs, a little more about their feelings for each other, a sex scene, something to make it seem less flat.
But a good story, and well written. A few minor grammatical errors, but they were easily ignored.
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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- Sep 4, 2006
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F5: Lorelei's Call
Spoiler . . . ah, you know it by now, I'm sure . . . .
This was an ironic little fantasy romp. Having grown up in Germany, I could appreciate some of the names -- and question a few details -- and the regional feel of the setting appealed to me. On the one hand, the story was a basic stroke piece, but on the other it was a tongue-in-cheek "what happens between the pages" look at what could have been one of many Brothers Grimm fairy tales.
I liked how the items on the table were used, but the knife may as well have been a spatula. Still, that's what was on the table, I suppose. There were some technical issues that made reading some parts of the story difficult, such as shifting tenses, a repeated word here and there, and some long sentences. But I'm guilty of some of these, too, so I looked past them pretty easily for the most part.
The story was simple, ironic, and humorous. Not much character development, but there really didn't need to be. We all "know" how a wizard behaves, and we all "know" how an apprentice behaves. It built on our preconceived notions of these sorts of characters and got right to the dirty deed.
Spoiler . . . ah, you know it by now, I'm sure . . . .
This was an ironic little fantasy romp. Having grown up in Germany, I could appreciate some of the names -- and question a few details -- and the regional feel of the setting appealed to me. On the one hand, the story was a basic stroke piece, but on the other it was a tongue-in-cheek "what happens between the pages" look at what could have been one of many Brothers Grimm fairy tales.
I liked how the items on the table were used, but the knife may as well have been a spatula. Still, that's what was on the table, I suppose. There were some technical issues that made reading some parts of the story difficult, such as shifting tenses, a repeated word here and there, and some long sentences. But I'm guilty of some of these, too, so I looked past them pretty easily for the most part.
The story was simple, ironic, and humorous. Not much character development, but there really didn't need to be. We all "know" how a wizard behaves, and we all "know" how an apprentice behaves. It built on our preconceived notions of these sorts of characters and got right to the dirty deed.
AMoveableBeast
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 1, 2013
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Hmmm. I had you pegged for Bluetooth Slyc. The ending seems like you. Your review throws me. Then again, maybe you are just a clever, clever boy. The Midnight Ball? I just don't see you passing up the impetus to get your dark on here. Two stories maybe...
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slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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- Sep 4, 2006
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- 17,732
What makes you think I'd be that clever? Sheesh, sometimes you people give me too much credit . . . .
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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F5: The True Oracle
Spoiler alert . . . yada, yada, yada . . . .
I believe this is the longest story in this FAWC. It's an ambitious sci-fi/fantasy tale, dystopian in some ways and high adventure in others. The mention of two suns makes it clear that the action does not take place on Earth. In this sense, and given the description of one of the main character as a "knight-gunman," the story invokes some comparisons to King's The Dark Tower series and other such works.
Oracle seems to place a lot of emphasis on the notion of duty as a defining characteristic for the two main characters, as if hinting that the story is going to become some kind of adventurous essay on determinism versus free will. The world described is certainly bleak, but it's only described piecemeal, a little at a time. Against such a backdrop, it could be understood that the inhabitants of the world would cling to whatever they could. But I think the story could, despite being seven pages long already, have done more to describe the world. Maybe just a couple of paragraphs explaining how and why the world is supposedly dying.
Gavin comes across as your typical hard-ass, bad-ass elite soldier. Not much in the way of finesse, except when he's in a fight. Adastriana is the opposite. She's a sheltered member of some vaguely-described magical religion of some kind that apparently educates its members on matters of sexual prowess as well as divination.
Adastriana comes across as being a little too helpless, a little too in need of Gavin's protection. If this world is so harsh, shouldn't she have been trained, at least, in how to use a basic weapon? I get that she's a "temple harlot," but the idea that she's so clueless about such matters has me wondering. Still, I suppose it works in the classic adventure/romance romp milieu of having a strong, tough man protecting the weak, privileged woman.
The use of masturbation/orgasm as a trigger for the woman's divination abilities is pretty neat, I think. But that trigger isn't very well defined. Later, she has an orgasm with Gavin and just continues on with the sex. Only at the end is there another prophecy. Maybe the voices in her head pick and choose when to possess her.
We're given a lot of time to get to know the characters and see Gavin gradually come around from being a stoic soldier to a caring protector. I think some of the later dialogue between Gavin and Adstriana is a little cheesy, but maybe that's just me.
The lead-up to the final confrontation with the Oracle has a sort of deus ex machina feel to it. They get inside the city, Gavin asks for another divination, and then suddenly he has all the information he needs. I felt like there could have been a little more explanation, a little more development, to make that part believable in the context of the story.
In the end, it's a strange sort of romantic fairy tale combined with a cynical mens' adventure yarn. One part John Carter, one part Jewel of the Nile. There are numerous grammatical errors, including missing words, repeated words, and run-on sentences, but since I do a lot of that in my own writing, I can accept it.
Overall, I liked it. It's a sort of grim adventure tale with an HFN feel that implies a later HEA outcome.
Spoiler alert . . . yada, yada, yada . . . .
I believe this is the longest story in this FAWC. It's an ambitious sci-fi/fantasy tale, dystopian in some ways and high adventure in others. The mention of two suns makes it clear that the action does not take place on Earth. In this sense, and given the description of one of the main character as a "knight-gunman," the story invokes some comparisons to King's The Dark Tower series and other such works.
Oracle seems to place a lot of emphasis on the notion of duty as a defining characteristic for the two main characters, as if hinting that the story is going to become some kind of adventurous essay on determinism versus free will. The world described is certainly bleak, but it's only described piecemeal, a little at a time. Against such a backdrop, it could be understood that the inhabitants of the world would cling to whatever they could. But I think the story could, despite being seven pages long already, have done more to describe the world. Maybe just a couple of paragraphs explaining how and why the world is supposedly dying.
Gavin comes across as your typical hard-ass, bad-ass elite soldier. Not much in the way of finesse, except when he's in a fight. Adastriana is the opposite. She's a sheltered member of some vaguely-described magical religion of some kind that apparently educates its members on matters of sexual prowess as well as divination.
Adastriana comes across as being a little too helpless, a little too in need of Gavin's protection. If this world is so harsh, shouldn't she have been trained, at least, in how to use a basic weapon? I get that she's a "temple harlot," but the idea that she's so clueless about such matters has me wondering. Still, I suppose it works in the classic adventure/romance romp milieu of having a strong, tough man protecting the weak, privileged woman.
The use of masturbation/orgasm as a trigger for the woman's divination abilities is pretty neat, I think. But that trigger isn't very well defined. Later, she has an orgasm with Gavin and just continues on with the sex. Only at the end is there another prophecy. Maybe the voices in her head pick and choose when to possess her.
We're given a lot of time to get to know the characters and see Gavin gradually come around from being a stoic soldier to a caring protector. I think some of the later dialogue between Gavin and Adstriana is a little cheesy, but maybe that's just me.
The lead-up to the final confrontation with the Oracle has a sort of deus ex machina feel to it. They get inside the city, Gavin asks for another divination, and then suddenly he has all the information he needs. I felt like there could have been a little more explanation, a little more development, to make that part believable in the context of the story.
In the end, it's a strange sort of romantic fairy tale combined with a cynical mens' adventure yarn. One part John Carter, one part Jewel of the Nile. There are numerous grammatical errors, including missing words, repeated words, and run-on sentences, but since I do a lot of that in my own writing, I can accept it.
Overall, I liked it. It's a sort of grim adventure tale with an HFN feel that implies a later HEA outcome.
AMoveableBeast
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 1, 2013
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- 987
I liked this too. Reminded me a bit of the Confessors in Terry Goodkind's "Seeker" series, which borders on the erotic itself.
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slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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- Sep 4, 2006
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- 17,732
You know, I read the first of those novels. I liked the premise, and the characters. But Goodkind dragged it out waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. He (She?) could have told the story with half as many words, I think.
yesterdays
Really Experienced
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- Jul 14, 2012
- Posts
- 179
Two of my favorites—The True Oracle and An Account for a Bullet—seem right now to be in the top three in terms of the ratings. I assume that's how this friendly competition is settled, by that little number? View count, comments, favorite votes, etc. don't matter? Sorry for the silly question. I've never followed one of these before.
MarieWriter
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2012
- Posts
- 173
the stories
Are the stories posted yet? I've not been able to get on line for a few days and I want to read them, see how everyone did.
Are the stories posted yet? I've not been able to get on line for a few days and I want to read them, see how everyone did.
yesterdays
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2012
- Posts
- 179
Yes. Go to page one, and you'll find a link to all of them at the bottom of the very first post.
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 18, 2011
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- 3,266
I've worked through the first four stories this morning:
A Craving for Brandy
A Mile
An Accountant for a Bullet
Arranged Marriages
I'll try to get through the others as time allows. I left comments on the ones I read and I'll try to do the same. General impression after reading the first four? Great job! Those first four are well written.
As for the contest hook of having the same opening sentence, I don't know. After the first four stories, seeing that first line on story #5 made me realize I can't read anymore right now. That said, it's been interesting to see how the first four stories incorporated that line.
A Craving for Brandy
A Mile
An Accountant for a Bullet
Arranged Marriages
I'll try to get through the others as time allows. I left comments on the ones I read and I'll try to do the same. General impression after reading the first four? Great job! Those first four are well written.
As for the contest hook of having the same opening sentence, I don't know. After the first four stories, seeing that first line on story #5 made me realize I can't read anymore right now. That said, it's been interesting to see how the first four stories incorporated that line.
PennLady
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 26, 2009
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- 9,413
These won't be as in-depth as slyc's, but here goes.
A Craving for Brandy: This story seemed disjointed to me. It was fine to start with something and then flash back to circle around, but there were times I had to go back and reread to make sure I had everything straight in my head. I -- as I often do -- had a hard time believing this hard-headed businessman would be so discombobulated by this woman. I think it might have been more interesting if Brandy had met her match with him; not necessarily that he should dominate her, but just if he had stood up to her.
A Mile: This was neat for both the items and the use of the shoes to distinguish the various johns. I found myself thinking there was probably some truth to it, or that it was quite plausible that there was. The only thing that made me pause was that the narrator puts her hands around the guy's neck, but her hands had been tied to the headboard.
Cooking it Up: I liked that the author went for a less conventional use of the items, but it fell a little flat. I wondered if the story-within-a-story might not have been more interesting.
Desperate Times and Measures: This is one of those stories where my feelings clash. Objectively, I found it well-written and -paced, and no loose ends were left. However, and I put this up to me simply not being the audience for such stories, it loses me pretty quickly when the narrator stabs the alleged cheater and walks away. I can see where it's wish fulfillment to a certain degree. I did appreciate that both the husband and wife did get to discussing their problems, but I felt like the wife's issues were kind of swept away. Depression, et al, is serious business, but she brushed them aside as though she shouldn't have let it bother her.
Inspiration and Desperation: I liked this but found it a little confusing at the same time. I think I'd have to reread it to say just why. There were lots of things I liked, from Cynthia and her attitude, to the narrator's confusion, but overall it didn't gel for me.
Of Roses and Thorns: This established a good atmosphere and setting. I thought it was just spooky enough and it was a cool twist on a ghost story not to have someone "fix" a situation for a ghost.
Knife, Book and Hankie: This one seemed like it couldn't quite decide to be serious or funny, although it hit both notes at different times. I liked how it set the area as its own little world, which made a lot of what happened more believable, if only within the setting of the story.
Guess that's all for now.
A Craving for Brandy: This story seemed disjointed to me. It was fine to start with something and then flash back to circle around, but there were times I had to go back and reread to make sure I had everything straight in my head. I -- as I often do -- had a hard time believing this hard-headed businessman would be so discombobulated by this woman. I think it might have been more interesting if Brandy had met her match with him; not necessarily that he should dominate her, but just if he had stood up to her.
A Mile: This was neat for both the items and the use of the shoes to distinguish the various johns. I found myself thinking there was probably some truth to it, or that it was quite plausible that there was. The only thing that made me pause was that the narrator puts her hands around the guy's neck, but her hands had been tied to the headboard.
Cooking it Up: I liked that the author went for a less conventional use of the items, but it fell a little flat. I wondered if the story-within-a-story might not have been more interesting.
Desperate Times and Measures: This is one of those stories where my feelings clash. Objectively, I found it well-written and -paced, and no loose ends were left. However, and I put this up to me simply not being the audience for such stories, it loses me pretty quickly when the narrator stabs the alleged cheater and walks away. I can see where it's wish fulfillment to a certain degree. I did appreciate that both the husband and wife did get to discussing their problems, but I felt like the wife's issues were kind of swept away. Depression, et al, is serious business, but she brushed them aside as though she shouldn't have let it bother her.
Inspiration and Desperation: I liked this but found it a little confusing at the same time. I think I'd have to reread it to say just why. There were lots of things I liked, from Cynthia and her attitude, to the narrator's confusion, but overall it didn't gel for me.
Of Roses and Thorns: This established a good atmosphere and setting. I thought it was just spooky enough and it was a cool twist on a ghost story not to have someone "fix" a situation for a ghost.
Knife, Book and Hankie: This one seemed like it couldn't quite decide to be serious or funny, although it hit both notes at different times. I liked how it set the area as its own little world, which made a lot of what happened more believable, if only within the setting of the story.
Guess that's all for now.
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
Guest
These stories are to good as Chaz Bono is to sir.
SecondCircle
Sin Cara
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- Sep 13, 2012
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- 1,410
We know.
Swilly
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 12, 2013
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C'mon, JBJ.
Do you really want to get "the mouth" going again? It's been nice and quiet for a few hours!
FAWCker
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 12, 2013
- Posts
- 350
Nearly all the stories have ten or more votes as of this morning, which means their ratings should be visible for all but two of them (though visible anyway on FAWCker's submission list).
Several new comments appeared overnight on many of them as well. Thanks to all who have commented so far. It's nice to see unabashedly honest criticism.
No new feedback sent to the email.
Several new comments appeared overnight on many of them as well. Thanks to all who have commented so far. It's nice to see unabashedly honest criticism.
No new feedback sent to the email.
Swilly
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 12, 2013
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- 1,183
I wish I had a more critical eye. Mine tend toward I liked it or not, unless something really jumps out at me. I guess that's why I'm a finance guy instead of an English prof, huh?
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2006
- Posts
- 17,732
F5: Empires of the Stars
Spoiler alert, as usual.
I am embarrassed to say that when I first received this story, I emailed the author and told them that I thought they had sent an unfinished draft. I hadn't the time then to read through it and appreciate the story for what it is.
Now I have. Finally. This is one of those stories that really only another author would understand. The jumbling thought process, the struggle to find those right words, come up with the right names, pick a title that hasn't been done to death . . . all that rings true for any author who has ever taken their writing seriously.
I loved the use of the obviously ridiculous names. N'nylf? How the hell are we supposed to pronounce that? And Jett Rock? Isn't that a character from an 80s B-movie?
In the end, this isn't really a story, or a collection of stories, but rather a bundle of snippets of frustration from an author's point of view. A day in the life. We've all been there. Edit: No, that's not true. This is a story. Unconventional, but still a story.
Spoiler alert, as usual.
I am embarrassed to say that when I first received this story, I emailed the author and told them that I thought they had sent an unfinished draft. I hadn't the time then to read through it and appreciate the story for what it is.
Now I have. Finally. This is one of those stories that really only another author would understand. The jumbling thought process, the struggle to find those right words, come up with the right names, pick a title that hasn't been done to death . . . all that rings true for any author who has ever taken their writing seriously.
I loved the use of the obviously ridiculous names. N'nylf? How the hell are we supposed to pronounce that? And Jett Rock? Isn't that a character from an 80s B-movie?
In the end, this isn't really a story, or a collection of stories, but rather a bundle of snippets of frustration from an author's point of view. A day in the life. We've all been there. Edit: No, that's not true. This is a story. Unconventional, but still a story.
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