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all of a sudden passion suddenly

Providing feedback on something that is close to the writer's heart is dangerous. It's a bit like stepping into a minefield, and I've stepped on mines before, earning (what seems to be) the undying contempt of people I care for (or, to keep the metaphor, I'm still looking for my leg, which was dear to me).

But hey, let's go hopping on one leg into the minefield. Why not, right? One leg, no leg... Once you're legless, what difference does it make how many you're missing. :cattail:

These two parts:

They met every Friday for afternoon coffee
Usually just light chatter and a parting kiss
Then he asked
Have you ever considered leaving your husband
His eyes were so intent that I knew
What he wasn't asking me
The question he really wanted answered
I answered both​

You start saying "they" met, and then it changes to "I knew". Is it "they", or is it you and him? Either you're recounting this from the outside, or from the inside — stick with one.

I read the poem a few times and I'm still not sure what the "question he really wanted answered" was (yep, I'm that dense). It seems the answer should be in the next stanza, since you say: "I answered both". I can obviously guess what it is, but my point is, there isn't anything in the text that helps me validate my guess.

At least once a year
I think of it as
Spring cleaning
I go through the
Relationship closet
Everything gets pulled out
I either dust it off
Putting it back
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin​

The lines I've marked in bold, above, seem to be out of place. Here is where they should sit (in my humble opinion):

At least once a year I go through the relationship closet. Everything gets pulled out — I either dust it off, putting it back, or I toss it in the rubbish bin. I think of it as spring cleaning.​

However, I get it that she is interrupting herself and justifying something before even saying it. It is a sign of apprehension and discomfort at the subject. So you could write something like this:

At least once a year — I think of it as spring cleaning, ok? — I go through the relationship closet. Everything gets pulled out — I either dust it off, putting it back, or I toss it in the rubbish bin.​

My point is, I feel the dashes mark it as a stray thought, and that is missing in the poem.

I feel that, since this is a conversation, the rhythm should be that of speech. Which is to say, the line breaks aren't helping me. Either they are sitting in the wrong places, or the lines are too short (it's too broken up for normal speech). I almost want to leave it as a straight up paragraph, punctuation and all. Well, either that, or something like this:

At least once a year
(I think of it as Spring cleaning)
I go through the relationship closet.
Everything gets pulled out;
I either dust it off, putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.​

I really feel like changing all the line breaks from this point onward, too. But then, that is how it reads better to me; it doesn't mean my own version of line breaking is "correct", or "better". So unless you want to see it, I'll skip this part.

Now this, this is something I really like:

And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold​

Again I feel the line breaks and the flow could be improved, though.

He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

Shall I help you pack dear

No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

I'd like that dear​

I had trouble seeing who was saying what, here.

"Shall I help you pack, dear?" - him

"No, thank you;" - her

"I think I'll help with the spring cleaning from now on" - her, again? What spring cleaning is she talking about? Certainly, not the one she said she always does? Maybe she is now referring to an actual spring cleaning?

"I'd like that, dear" - him? At this point, I'm confused if it's him or her, since the above (about helping with the spring cleaning) could have been said by him, too.

In essence, I think you've got a great poem here, but it needs better flow, and you need to work on each different sections, consider what you're doing in each and make it neater. Here:


INTRODUCTION

They met every Friday for afternoon coffee
Usually just light chatter and a parting kiss
Then he asked
Have you ever considered leaving your husband

HER THOUGHTS:

His eyes were so intent that I knew
What he wasn't asking me
The question he really wanted answered
I answered both

HER:

At least once a year
I think of it as
Spring cleaning
I go through the
Relationship closet
Everything gets pulled out
I either dust it off
Putting it back
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin

When I'm done
I look at the two
If the closet is fuller
I stay and work on
Clearing out the rubbish

And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold
And I'd leave the rubbish
For him to clean

HIM:

He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

Shall I help you pack dear

HER:

No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

HIM:

I'd like that dear​

That's what I have, for now. I almost felt like making an edit of this, myself, because I really like it, but I'm happy to say that I've successfully managed to keep myself from doing it. Well done, me.
 
Screaming at the dishevelled
hair as it lays
in its own vomit,
bottle of rum for breakfast
she's not as think as you
pissed she is,​

Screaming at the dishevelled hair? Amidst? From within?

Its own vomit? The hair's vomit? Or her own vomit?

As pissed as you think she is?

Isa allight..blood shot
piss holes stare from hollow cheeks
I drag her to the shower
turn on the heat​

I'm not sure what you're saying, there — eyes alight?

Mum, when will this end.....​

Damn... That last line hit me in the jaw. Blood shot piss holes stare from hollow cheeks. Such a short poem, such a vivid window through which to peek. Like being given an alien sensorium, momentarily.
 
Last edited:
Tsotha said:
Providing feedback on something that is close to the writer's heart is dangerous. It's a bit like stepping into a minefield, and I've stepped on mines before, earning (what seems to be) the undying contempt of people I care for (or, to keep the metaphor, I'm still looking for my leg, which was dear to me).

But hey, let's go hopping on one leg into the minefield. Why not, right? One leg, no leg... Once you're legless, what difference does it make how many you're missing. :cattail:

These two parts:

They met every Friday for afternoon coffee
Usually just light chatter and a parting kiss
Then he asked
Have you ever considered leaving your husband
His eyes were so intent that I knew
What he wasn't asking me
The question he really wanted answered
I answered both​

You start saying "they" met, and then it changes to "I knew". Is it "they", or is it you and him? Either you're recounting this from the outside, or from the inside — stick with one.

I read the poem a few times and I'm still not sure what the "question he really wanted answered" was (yep, I'm that dense). It seems the answer should be in the next stanza, since you say: "I answered both". I can obviously guess what it is, but my point is, there isn't anything in the text that helps me validate my guess.

At least once a year
I think of it as
Spring cleaning
I go through the
Relationship closet
Everything gets pulled out
I either dust it off
Putting it back
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin​

The lines I've marked in bold, above, seem to be out of place. Here is where they should sit (in my humble opinion):

At least once a year I go through the relationship closet. Everything gets pulled out — I either dust it off, putting it back, or I toss it in the rubbish bin. I think of it as spring cleaning.​

However, I get it that she is interrupting herself and justifying something before even saying it. It is a sign of apprehension and discomfort at the subject. So you could write something like this:

At least once a year — I think of it as spring cleaning, ok? — I go through the relationship closet. Everything gets pulled out — I either dust it off, putting it back, or I toss it in the rubbish bin.​

My point is, I feel the dashes mark it as a stray thought, and that is missing in the poem.

I feel that, since this is a conversation, the rhythm should be that of speech. Which is to say, the line breaks aren't helping me. Either they are sitting in the wrong places, or the lines are too short (it's too broken up for normal speech). I almost want to leave it as a straight up paragraph, punctuation and all. Well, either that, or something like this:

At least once a year
(I think of it as Spring cleaning)
I go through the relationship closet.
Everything gets pulled out;
I either dust it off, putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.​

I really feel like changing all the line breaks from this point onward, too. But then, that is how it reads better to me; it doesn't mean my own version of line breaking is "correct", or "better". So unless you want to see it, I'll skip this part.

Now this, this is something I really like:

And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold​

Again I feel the line breaks and the flow could be improved, though.

He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

Shall I help you pack dear

No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

I'd like that dear​

I had trouble seeing who was saying what, here.

"Shall I help you pack, dear?" - him

"No, thank you;" - her

"I think I'll help with the spring cleaning from now on" - her, again? What spring cleaning is she talking about? Certainly, not the one she said she always does? Maybe she is now referring to an actual spring cleaning?

"I'd like that, dear" - him? At this point, I'm confused if it's him or her, since the above (about helping with the spring cleaning) could have been said by him, too.

In essence, I think you've got a great poem here, but it needs better flow, and you need to work on each different sections, consider what you're doing in each and make it neater. Here:


INTRODUCTION

They met every Friday for afternoon coffee
Usually just light chatter and a parting kiss
Then he asked
Have you ever considered leaving your husband

HER THOUGHTS:

His eyes were so intent that I knew
What he wasn't asking me
The question he really wanted answered
I answered both

HER:

At least once a year
I think of it as
Spring cleaning
I go through the
Relationship closet
Everything gets pulled out
I either dust it off
Putting it back
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin

When I'm done
I look at the two
If the closet is fuller
I stay and work on
Clearing out the rubbish

And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold
And I'd leave the rubbish
For him to clean

HIM:

He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

Shall I help you pack dear

HER:

No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

HIM:

I'd like that dear​

That's what I have, for now. I almost felt like making an edit of this, myself, because I really like it, but I'm happy to say that I've successfully managed to keep myself from doing it. Well done, me.
Click to expand...

LOL, you could have played with it. The unasked question is 'would you be okay is I left?' So the progression is him thinking of leaving, her letting him know she'd be okay and him deciding to stay.

With that in mind, how do I better portray it without actually saying it. That is what I was trying to do with the line breaks but since you didn't read it that way I screwed up somewhere.
 
Trixareforkids said:
LOL, you could have played with it. The unasked question is 'would you be okay is I left?' So the progression is him thinking of leaving, her letting him know she'd be okay and him deciding to stay.

With that in mind, how do I better portray it without actually saying it. That is what I was trying to do with the line breaks but since you didn't read it that way I screwed up somewhere.
Click to expand...

Oh... Oops. And now it makes sense. I suppose it's this, then:

HIM:
He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

HER:
Shall I help you pack dear

HIM:
No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

HER:
I'd like that dear

I think the first part is doing a good enough job with the mention of "the question he didn't ask". It's the middle part and the final part that confused me. I felt as if it was the other way around, her thinking of leaving. So, two things:

1) I think it should be clearer who is saying what, at the end.

2) And about the relationship closet, I saw it completely different! What I thought of was a "limit for the amount of people". So if the closet is too full, with too many people, some of the least important need to go. Which colors the middle part completely different, right?

Your intent is different — one person, one relationship closet. So there are good things and bad things in it. So now, this takes another meaning, to me:

"And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold
And I'd leave the rubbish
For him to clean"

That is, if the closet has more rubbish than good in it, then she is packing what she can and "leaving the rest for him to clean".
 
Tsotha said:
Oh... Oops. And now it makes sense. I suppose it's this, then:

HIM:
He nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek

HER:
Shall I help you pack dear

HIM:
No
Thank you
I think
I'll help
With the spring cleaning
From now on

HER:
I'd like that dear

I think the first part is doing a good enough job with the mention of "the question he didn't ask". It's the middle part and the final part that confused me. I felt as if it was the other way around, her thinking of leaving. So, two things:

1) I think it should be clearer who is saying what, at the end.

2) And about the relationship closet, I saw it completely different! What I thought of was a "limit for the amount of people". So if the closet is too full, with too many people, some of the least important need to go. Which colors the middle part completely different, right?

Your intent is different — one person, one relationship closet. So there are good things and bad things in it. So now, this takes another meaning, to me:

"And if the rubbish bin is fuller

If the rubbish bin
Is ever the fuller
I'll pack what was in the closet
To keep me warm
When I'm feeling cold
And I'd leave the rubbish
For him to clean"

That is, if the closet has more rubbish than good in it, then she is packing what she can and "leaving the rest for him to clean".
Click to expand...

Packing metaphorically. From the closet she'll take the good memories, leave the bitter behind. Leaving the rubbish for him to clean, is not holding anything against him but understanding he might not feel the same.

The end is him saying he'd like to work on the relationship with her, and her last line is letting him know she doesn't hold his initial wanting to leave against him.

So obviously I have some work to do to make this a little clearer. I'll try to go over it with a more critical eye and incorporate what makes sense from your 1st critique. Thanks for the outside insights, they should help me get it where I want it.
 
Tsotha said:
Screaming at the dishevelled
hair as it lays
in its own vomit,
bottle of rum for breakfast
she's not as think as you
pissed she is,​

Screaming at the dishevelled hair? Amidst? From within?

Its own vomit? The hair's vomit? Or her own vomit?

As pissed as you think she is?

Isa allight..blood shot
piss holes stare from hollow cheeks
I drag her to the shower
turn on the heat​
o

I'm not sure what you're saying, there — eyes alight?

Mum, when will this end.....​

Damn... That last line hit me in the jaw. Blood shot piss holes stare from hollow cheeks. Such a short poem, such a vivid window through which to peek. Like being given an alien sensorium, momentarily.
Click to expand...

think cousin it, the vomit plastering the hair to her face and merging the two into one thing,

"issa allight"drunken slur for its all right,
The sentence broken is something she said to me one night but I changed the I to the she, just another day in the life of Todski's :)
 
todski28 said:
think cousin it, the vomit plastering the hair to her face and merging the two into one thing,

"issa allight"drunken slur for its all right,
The sentence broken is something she said to me one night but I changed the I to the she, just another day in the life of Todski's :)
Click to expand...

I got, and like, all the rest of it, but I too think the "its own" sounds like a flub.
 
Five months is the price
of admission to this park
of too many amusements,

Too much honey and milk
flowing too free, too easily
and far too many drunkards,

Nothing survives the wrong
people, but the truth is,
there are no right people.

The mystery is how things
are set into motion, how it
moves not when fingers lift,

But by following the flow,
the potential created by
magnetism of many minds,

It's perspective, all that
I have, all that I cannot
share, you cannot peek

You'll never understand
because I can't explain
what I see, but maybe

Maybe it's all right, you know?
Yeah, it's alright. Everything is right in the world.
Except
 
Twenty days
tropicália, ai ai ai
a thousand police officers
cannot stop you when
there is so much fun to be had
exotic, moist fun
little fun
you can buy it with your wallet
anything goes, gringo
...yes, you heard me
anything you want
 
Tsotha said:
Five months is the price
of admission to this park
of too many amusements,

Too much honey and milk
flowing too free, too easily
and far too many drunkards,

Nothing survives the wrong
people, but the truth is,
there are no right people.

The mystery is how things
are set into motion, how it
moves not when fingers lift,

But by following the flow,
the potential created by
magnetism of many minds,

It's perspective, all that
I have, all that I cannot
share, you cannot peek

You'll never understand
because I can't explain
what I see, but maybe

Maybe it's all right, you know?
Yeah, it's alright. Everything is right in the world.
Except
Click to expand...

This brings to mind Billy Joel's The Piano Man to me. A guy sitting behind a piano in a bar watching all the hookup and drunks.
 
Trixareforkids said:
This brings to mind Billy Joel's The Piano Man to me. A guy sitting behind a piano in a bar watching all the hookup and drunks.
Click to expand...

I was actually thinking of <REDACTED> the place I live in when I wrote that, with one of the highest tax rates in the world and nothing to show for it. So I guess it's a place with drunks and hookups, but more like a sleazy brothel than a piano bar.
 
Tsotha said:
I was actually thinking of <REDACTED> the place I live in when I wrote that, with one of the highest tax rates in the world and nothing to show for it. So I guess it's a place with drunks and hookups, but more like a sleazy brothel than a piano bar.
Click to expand...

It was the "when fingers lift" line. Just automatically brought a piano player to mind.
 
I understand privilege
and I'm not sure I like
this knowing that someone
will be in a car to drive
me to a social gathering
where only few are invited.

I'm not sure that it's right
to have space on our planet
closed to other travellers
I understand that I can go
most places I wish but I sure
don't like that not everyone
can go with me.
 
champagne1982 said:
I understand privilege
and I'm not sure I like
this knowing that someone
will be in a car to drive
me to a social gathering
where only few are invited.

I'm not sure that it's right
to have space on our planet
closed to other travellers
I understand that I can go
most places I wish but I sure
don't like that not everyone
can go with me.
Click to expand...

The sidewalk was crawling
with neighbors, looky-loos
gawpin at the long white limo--
as improbable as a magic
carpet in our crummy street.

Oh yeah they were elbowing
and gee-gawin while the driver
stashed my bag then whisked me
into the cool hum and smooth
leather.

"Don't drink the bride's champagne,"
he said. I stared through tinted glass,
airport bound. What did I care
anyway? I was leaving.
 
Angeline said:
The sidewalk was crawling
with neighbors, looky-loos
gawpin at the long white limo--
as improbable as a magic
carpet in our crummy street.

Oh yeah they were elbowing
and gee-gawpin while the driver
stashed my bag then whisked me
into the cool hum and smooth
leather.

"Don't drink the bride's champagne,"
he said. I stared through tinted glass,
airport bound. What did I care
anyway? I was leaving.
Click to expand...

This is the kind of poem that makes me stop and take notice:

Poets coin new words, taking enough of a sound of a word or combination to set the image in the reader's/listener's mind and then create something new out of it in the context of the narrative:

"looky-loos/gawpin at the long white limo"

"...gee gawpin while the driver stashed/my bag.." (although I might have said "gnawing") (LOL)

This is craft, Angie. Damn! I wish I had written this.
 
greenmountaineer said:
This is the kind of poem that makes me stop and take notice:

Poets coin new words, taking enough of a sound of a word or combination to set the image in the reader's/listener's mind and then create something new out of it in the context of the narrative:

"looky-loos/gawpin at the long white limo"

"...gee gawpin while the driver stashed/my bag.." (although I might have said "gnawing") (LOL)

This is craft, Angie. Damn! I wish I had written this.
Click to expand...

You know, I often go over words I'm not entirely sure about the meaning. I just accepted "looky-loos gawpin" in my head as a valid thing in English, because the sound had meaning. It translated to something like "lunatic gawking groupies" in my head.
 
greenmountaineer said:
This is the kind of poem that makes me stop and take notice:

Poets coin new words, taking enough of a sound of a word or combination to set the image in the reader's/listener's mind and then create something new out of it in the context of the narrative:

"looky-loos/gawpin at the long white limo"

"...gee gawpin while the driver stashed/my bag.." (although I might have said "gnawing") (LOL)

This is craft, Angie. Damn! I wish I had written this.
Click to expand...

Thank you. You know that second "gawpin" should have been "gawin" as in "gee-gawin" which I made up sorta. Damn typo! I like the image of gawpin and gawin. :D

Tsotha said:
You know, I often go over words I'm not entirely sure about the meaning. I just accepted "looky-loos gawpin" in my head as a valid thing in English, because the sound had meaning. It translated to something like "lunatic gawking groupies" in my head.
Click to expand...

Close enough for jazz as they say. :D
 
cut you from the inside and you bleed
the light of day. i leave
the happiest place i've ever been,
squinting against bright
blaze of reality,
the real world after us

venturing with baby steps
beyond the warmth with
a soft spot on the top of head
and another bottom of heart.

this is the first time i've touched
the ground in years, walking
with clay feet that melt into the
sand. then bake in the sun,
stoned part of the red land,
a formation deformed
unlike the delicate arches,
hoodoos made in millennia past.

time stills, i turn to seed
atop two stumps, petrified.
 
Lead me on
over dunes
around camel dung
beyond scorpion's reach

to temptation's oasis

Please don't lead me on
Wild chase
to temptation's mirage
 
Trixareforkids said:
You light me up like
Fireworks
Rainbow flashes
That leave me in awe and
Have me anticipating
The next bang

She lights me up like
A solar flare
Blinding heat that sears
My brain
Burns me straight through to
An ecstasy of endings
Click to expand...

Together we mash a concoction
that blows the roof of,
bangs, blasts and star dust

her and you and me
the way you stare into her
eyes as I take her from behind
watch as her face contours
to the line I draw along her walls

the panting breath she breathes
as sight dissipates into blind
feeling
the way it washes over her

the way you stroke her hair
when she lies luststruck
blissgushed
and knowing it's your turn next
the trembling trepidation
awash in flaring anticipation

the way she leads you
to me
eases you back
guides me in,

you grip the sheets
to brace for the agony of entry
down the slippery slope
inches deeper
till full

a howling fury as fuse lit
grenade pin pulled
you wait for the explosion
that leaves you shell struck

later we feed each other fondue
and play scrabble.
 
Matryoshka said:
Lead me on
over dunes
around camel dung
beyond scorpion's reach

to temptation's oasis

Please don't lead me on
Wild chase
to temptation's mirage
Click to expand...

The trek is long
losses are great
to strip away a lifetimes
indoctrinations that have been
beaten into you

I am here, I am solid
and if I have to carry you
up the sifting dunes
in burning sand,
pick camel dung
from the ripples in my shoes
and brave the poison of scorpion sting

then that is what I will endure
mirages dontdon't taste of
cocout and clear cool water
 
*pop*

He takes stock
Sees what he has to work with
Nodding, not bad at all
Like a needle
He lines up
ready to pierce through

I start to turn my head
To watch
Don't move, he whispers
Near my ear
Are you sure you want this
I whisper back, yes
With fear tinged anticipation

He does it fast and hard
I feel it POP
And the sudden sting

He leans back, surveying
Well, what do you think?
I look in the mirror
And grin
At the new sparkle in my ear.
 
todski28 said:
Together we mash a concoction
that blows the roof of,
bangs, blasts and star dust

her and you and me
the way you stare into her
eyes as I take her from behind
watch as her face contours
to the line I draw along her walls

the panting breath she breathes
as sight dissipates into blind
feeling
the way it washes over her

the way you stroke her hair
when she lies luststruck
blissgushed
and knowing it's your turn next
the trembling trepidation
awash in flaring anticipation

the way she leads you
to me
eases you back
guides me in,

you grip the sheets
to brace for the agony of entry
down the slippery slope
inches deeper
till full

a howling fury as fuse lit
grenade pin pulled
you wait for the explosion
that leaves you shell struck

later we feed each other fondue
and play scrabble.
Click to expand...

I'd love to see you riff off of SusanSnow, she was your mate in the piece I wrote. Started on her catalog last night, I can't always understand her references but ye gods! I do like her stuff.
 
Knotted yarn

Gently I tease another loop
from the length
a snarled tangle
mess

no one has taken the time to
unfurl your kinks
so you can be whole then
wound up properly

not this knotted mass
of confliction
that is twisted up on itself

I will take the time
to pull out all the stops
wether soft or with force
That bind you up

so you can be free
 
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