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How to get past this

Did you guys have an agreement that porn was something to be shared as a couple, or did you agree it was OK to indulge in it individually? Was he really keeping it a secret from you, or was he working on the idea that it was OK for him to watch porn without you? Did he ever lie about it, or did he just not mention it?

Are you more upset about him watching the porn, or that he didn't tell you he was looking at a lot of taboo porn?

Is it possible your husband has felt like he was in a sexual rut himself, and maybe looked at the more taboo porn to try to pull himself out of that rut? If he was in a rut (maybe due to stress in other areas of his life), is it possible that rut/feelings (vs. the porn) was the main cause of your lack of sex? I'm wondering this especially because you say he's been viewing the porn for several months, whereas you haven't had much dirty sex in two years.

Anyway, those of the things I'd be thinking about and trying to answer in your situation. Sometimes it's easier to move past things when you have a fuller understanding of them. Try to gain more understanding of his perspective and figure out where you both got off track. Then come up with some agreements that you can both be happy with for the future. My husband and I have agreed that porn and masturbation are fine when either one person is ill or has declined sexual activity - that way it doesn't ever take the place of sex, and I never feel insecure, or like my husband is choosing porn over being sexual with me. Maybe a similar agreement would work for you guys. Either way, it's in your best interest to spell out a reasonable policy that allows for a healthy amount of masturbation and porn/erotica so no one feels deprived and you avoid misunderstandings.

And on the very bright side, at least this is about porn and not living out his fantasies with other partners behind your back! I'm not minimizing your feelings, but it might be helpful to focus on the positives of the situation. :)
 
For me, I think it might depend on how I found out about his secret. Happening upon a picture is a little different than sneaking to his phone at 0300 when he isn't looking.

The layers of how a breach in trust impact a relationship can be complex and it is up to each of us to handle them. If you're just hear to vent because you're "talked out" at home, I hope it's helping :)
If you're looking for advice, don't forget to tell him how you feel. Having been in a similar situation, I spent a lot of time on "why did you.." and "how could you.."
I should have spent less time being a victim and more time being a woman.
 
From the standpoint of one who has been harrassed and humiliated and been made to feel guilty by my wife for watching porn and certain types in particular, I can say that it is a delicate balance and a tight rope you walk to discuss it with him in a positive way that won't cause more tension between you.

First off, most women don't seem to understand that for men, watching porn is entertainment and not intended to insult, belittle, or otherwise denegrate their wives. It's a way to explore and fantasize about "taboo" things in private and in a safe sane manner. Would you rather him watch porn in the safety of your home or be practicing such taboo with a prostitute and risking his and your health?

You never mentioned what was so taboo in the porn that upset you so much. IF it included pain, harm, blood, beatings, or otherwise harming woman, then I'd say he needs to seriously think about why this would please him and try to understand why such violent behavior could scare and upset you. I myself would not want to consider violent porn. I would not want to think about harmful violence on my wife or on myself. However, light bondage, spanking, fun kinky play isn't so bad. Is he watching scat films with pissing and shitting? For me, the pissing could be understood to a point. Scat and enemas are not hot in any way, but for some it may be. The important thing is to try to understand what it is about whatever type of porn it is that excites HIM in a calm, objective and non-judgmental manner regardless of how you feel about it. Yelling, crying, insulting, name calling, etc will ONLY serve to widen the gap between you and put up walls. Trust me, I know.

If there is any way to try to compromise on some of the porn and possibly incorporate even a little bit of it, or at least be willing to help him get off on the fantasy or role play or at the minimum not allienate him over it, then please try.

One of the things that put up some walls years ago between my wife and I was disagreements over certain types of porn, especially the gang bang and anal orgy type porn. I was made to feel like a filthy pervert for watching it even though I NEVER suggested that my wife need to try it. It put an emotional canyon between us for a long time and eventually did have me seeking and finding relationships with women outside the marriage. It wasn't even that I found such reality with other women. I didn't. My actual sexual activity with them wasn't much different than what I had with my wife. What was different is that they were willing, even eger, to share such raw taboo fantasies with me, discuss them in the filthiest way, share that while we were having sex, roleplay it, watch porn with me, etc, that was what I really needed. Eventually it all blew up in a terrible way when one of the women, who actually got obsessed with me and wanted me to end my marriage for her, outed me to my wife and nearly caused divorce. Please do not let yourself go there. It's a horrible experience.

Good luck.
 
I get that you feel betrayed by the secret. Would it have been better if he told you that he's looking at porn at work? Who would ever admit to that? I am trying to think of the nicest way possible to say I think you're overreacting.

Viewing, reading, writing and fantasizing about porn/sex is healthy. There are many unhealthy alternatives. I don't know what the nature of this porn was but I don't think it matters. Porn doesn't have to be a gateway to bestiality (oh wait that's something else)....or any other acts.

It's a nice idea to want to be involved in every aspect of your husband's sexuality but it's just not realistic. Shaming him for this could only end up pushing him further away.

I wouldn't take it personally or feel insecure. Do you ever masturbate without him? Is that a personal attack on him? Should he feel insecure about that? It's nice to have a sexual connection with someone and it's also nice to have a little private time to let your mind go where you wouldn't normally.
 
When I wrote out my post the first time it was a lot more detailed but it got lost when I tried to post it.
I will try to explain better - We are very open with each other. We have experimented a lot in our sex life together and we do not have a run of the mill marriage. We have dabbled in swinging and we definitely enjoy it. We fantasize about many things together.

Porn is a part of our relationship. Of course I have masturbated when we have been apart. I haven't in quite some time because it's not ever convienant or I probably still would. Of course he knows this. His sex drive is not as strong as mine and he doesn't generally masturbate when we are not together... he states that he hasn't been now either, just looking at porn because it's been slow at work and he's bored. I am not upset that he was looking at porn at all, just that he has been looking at it quite a bit and has built a library of likes and subscriptions on tumblr that would make most woman quite squimish. I am not easily disturbed but I was upset because he has been keeping this from me. I was aware of his interest in these subjects. I am totally willing to entertain these fantasies with him to the point that I am able. He is aware of this. We have roleplayed about some of them before, so I don't understand why he was keeping it from me and now I'm wondering if there is more I don't know. He says he was ashamed but I already knew and I would never shame him, so I don't really get it...

How I came across this info was part of the issue. I totally trust my husband (at least I did and my gut kind of tells me I still can) and would never snoop through his stuff. He plugged his ipod into my laptop the other night to charge it and he wanted me to put some music on it. I said oh you get your email on here too... I was just surprised it was on there as his screen was broke and he just fixed it so it hadn't been used in some time. Anyway, I was scanning his email (he was right there) and I see an email from tumblr saying someone was following him with an x rated name. So I know right away that he realizes I saw this. He is trying to get his ipod back saying he wanted to use it when he just asked me to put music on there. I gave it to him and he immediately started deleting his email. I said that's weird since your inbox has 2000 emails why the fuck would you start deleting them now? And he was going to try to lie to me. He has never fucking acted like that but he was doing it now so I was really wondering what the fuck was going on.

So I asked him for his phone and he gave it to me and from that point on he has been nothing but apologetic. I knew he had the tumblr account and we browse porn together all the time. Not on there though and I had no idea that's what he was using it for. He likes to take pictures and I knew he had put some pictures on there but that was it. I didn't know that he was using it daily to look at taboo subjects that I can only indugle him in through role play. I would have been happy to. I still am happy to. But now it's difficult because our sex life was faltering and he was off in fantasy land and I'm pissed that he didn't try to talk to me. I take a good amount of the blame too. I was obviously in my own world too, but I at least talk to him about the things that make me distant. Maybe I burdened him too much?

I know this is not a huge deal and that it could be much worse. I still think I have the best man for me and this is actually bringing us together in a way we desperately needed. But I am now faltering a bit. We are reconnecting and that is good but it is hard cause this is the first time in 13 years that I have caught him lying to me. I don't care for that at all and just feel like the whole thing was extremly disrespectful.

I don't expect him to not be his own sexual person, I actually encourage him to embrace that part of himself. I have some cuckold tendancies myself and enjoy hearing about his fantasies and past sex life and solo masturbation. So that is definitely not the problem. I would have loved for him to share this with me and use it to enhance our sex life. We did roleplay a little but like I said we've kind of been in a rut. I normally bring the kinky into the bedroom and i've been emotionally exhausted from my job so the sex has been pretty tame and not nearly as frequent as usual.

Thank you everyone for listening and giving insight, I will read through the responses more thoroughly but I just wanted to clarify the situation better. We will survive, I am just feeling a little peeved and wanted someone else to vent to besides him. I feel guilty for being so upset about this, it isn't really our gig but this is how it's playing out so what are you gonna do, right?
 
SunDevilGirl said:
I get that you feel betrayed by the secret. Would it have been better if he told you that he's looking at porn at work? Who would ever admit to that? I am trying to think of the nicest way possible to say I think you're overreacting.

Viewing, reading, writing and fantasizing about porn/sex is healthy. There are many unhealthy alternatives. I don't know what the nature of this porn was but I don't think it matters. Porn doesn't have to be a gateway to bestiality (oh wait that's something else)....or any other acts.

It's a nice idea to want to be involved in every aspect of your husband's sexuality but it's just not realistic. Shaming him for this could only end up pushing him further away.

I wouldn't take it personally or feel insecure. Do you ever masturbate without him? Is that a personal attack on him? Should he feel insecure about that? It's nice to have a sexual connection with someone and it's also nice to have a little private time to let your mind go where you wouldn't normally.
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Couldn't agree more..Good advice
 
This hits VERY close to home for me.

Now single I can look at anything I like and more importantly interact with anyone I choose to with not guilt, no remorse.

I grew up HEAVILY repressed.

Porn for me was the JC Penney's catalog. I for example removed some lingerie pages (they were the only part of the catalog that was in black and white..EVEN MR. J.C. Penny's apparently disapproved of my prurient use of them).

My Mother shamed the HELL out of me over it. Made me sit beside her in tears as she went PAGE-by-PAGE through it pointing out why each and every one of them were not to be viewed in an objectifying manner. She DID not wire my dick up to electrodes and deliver an aversion therapy shock with each image, but she might as well have.

I repressed DEEP. I voyeur-ed in secret, and dangerously so.

Flash forward. I get married to, like you, a wonderfully open minded girl. Her mom was a prostitute, she was the LAST one to want to shame me, but she did. Repeatedly.


I found a video while hunting in the desert. A tame "all markets" copy of Debbie Does Dallas. I was embarrassed and excited to find it. Had I not had my hunting buddies with me I would have picked it up, dusted it off and taken it home. Maybe. If so I would have watched it felt guilty as hell and thrown it away. Maybe dug it out of the garbage, watched it again. I am not exaggerating the level of ridiculous angst.

My lovely wife, when I told her about it ASKED me to go back and get it. I did. It was a formative video for her...she saw it at 13. She was upset it was the non-graphic heavily edited version..i thought it was hot as hell to watch especially with a warm supportive wife by my side. Did that experience "fix" me? HELL no. I did a couple of years of expensive therapy in arguably the best sex-addict clinic in one of the largest cities in the US. Did that "fix" me? Somewhat.

Like you my wife had NO problem with porn she was involved with but could NEVER understand me craving for privacy. EVEN knowing the story above. Even when treated at the same clinic as a co-addict..(in hindsight it was all wrong SHE is the sex addict, I am the love addict, but I digress)

At some point about 17 years in, we got honest. BRUTALLY honest. It started because I had a window into a long repressed desire of mine that felt weird, and very unsafe sharing. She snooped (as she always did - nothing like peeping on a peeper, huh?) found something, was incensed, then a light of compassion dawned and we explored a whole 'nother side of me together. It made every angst filled portion of our marriage before and since up to and including her poor choices at the end worth it. THAT 'fixed' me.

My take is when I got healthy I was no longer interesting to snoop on, I was no longer a source for craved drama. She found a thing or two that she manufactured into drama.

She knew I loved lit as a guilty pleasure and I would pledge time and time again to stay away. One day when everything ELSE was going quite well...I felt NO pull to lit to "interview" girls james spader in sex lies and videotape style...I created an ID 'just to check' and to say thank you to a brave person whose thread inspired the place she and I were. Understand- that sort of rationalization is slippery behavior...i likely would have returned on an "unhealthy day" but I hadn't been having any need for secrecy. My wife and I were on our way to being fairly well known in the sex-blogger community. She snooped found the new id and said to me..."Look, I KNOW what that place means to you...I WANT you to go back."

Sensing a trap..(ultimately it was, but she meant it at the time...the same way I ALWAYS meant it at the time when I said I was done with porn)..I hesitated...she explained it like this. "If the first time I 'caught' you you had simply said, 'HEY! I am a GROWN-ASS man and if i want to look at porn I will!" I would have accepted that...it was all the denials and the hiding and the going back after saying you wouldnt that always worried me."

So, to you on behalf of your husband:

"Listen, Bitch! (and I mean that in the most loving, wonderful Sire to his Bitch sorta way) He is a GROWN-ASS man and if he wants to look at porn (and possibly jerk off), it is HIS mind and HIS dick. Be glad he shares it with you and not random girls he meets.

NO ONE faults women inflaming their libidos with prurient TV and romance novels.

I LOVE Dr. Jenn Berman (Even before I knew she is HOT as hell, like hotter than pornstar hot, but I digress)

She says often: "You shouldn't care where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home."

Think about it. He could pass a billboard (or a HOT girl) on the street, pop wood and come home and give the what-for like you've never had it. If that happens, do you:

a)Want to know the details of how his normal, male, libido worked as god, goddess or nature intended if he came home to you?

b)Do you think he SHOULD feel guilty for his reaction?

My example I realize doesn't involve what you perceive as sneaky duplicity, and he didn't invite the experience.

Ok, fair enough...try this one:

His buddies are celebrating a divorce in their circle and they 'drag' him (not all that unwillingly) to a strip club....he ogles but feels punishingly guilty about it.

He so guilty he worries you might sense something so he is a little distant, trying to forget his shame...

You hate him still?

Sometimes we as humans are on our own private paths...it was WONDERFUL when for whatever reason stars aligned and I was able to walk my weird, definitely less traveled path for a while WITH my (at the time) beautiful, patient, adaptable wife. She ended up taking a fork in the road of her own later, on a fairly common path that NO ONE that 'knew us when' would ever think made sense. She is on her own path now and I wish her well. She was GOOD for me once.

You didn't "FIND" this out, you snooped, you violated your partners privacy. Would you be OK with him going through your diary (if people still kept those) if he had a "hunch" noticed you were "distant" or whatever your spidey sense was telling you?

Don't misunderstand I don't HIS behavior is healthy. Clearly it is not. Notably, he DIDN'T eat at home. Whenever a man or woman's own masturbatory practices leaves them unavailable to their partner it IS a problem...It is HIS problem. Your part in it is to decide how best to take care of your needs up to and including providing a safe environment where he MIGHT be able to say..."Geeze, honey, I fucked up today, I got a little overexcited before I could get home to you and I fired it off a couple of (three-dozen) times and I guess I am "eating" at home tonight if that's OK..."

If he gets progressively worse..(and he may without professional help) you may on your own find that the level of intimacy and frankly the frequency of sex isn't meeting your needs..that's what couples counseling and subsequently divorce are geared to assist with.

You have it all wrong you didn't "REWARD" his bad behavior with sex!!! What is your pussy made of silk and myrrh and only bestowed on the deserving? Never had a one night stand in your wild single days? Did THAT guy deserve it more than your (necessarily) penitent husband? Really?

You BOTH were rewarded by the Gods of relationships for reaching a point of brutal honesty...him more than you..you at least admited (but are not sorry for) the breech of privacy, him for admitting (only when caught) to spanking the monkey to teh kinky pron...

Those Gods bestow their WARMEST blessings on deserving COUPLES with HOT monkey-love sex...BASK in it...

I have had some Blog-worthy sex with some AMAZING creatures the likes of which you wouldn't believe me even if I introduced you to them.

It (so far) has NEVER reached the level of God-like earth-melting fire that those few months I had with my wife when we were at the level you achieved the other night.

He COULD have turtled in...he could have hid in his shame..(I did for years)..instead he admitted that HE was in the wrong here (dumbass!..just kidding that is catnip to chicks) he apologized, and pledged eternal fealty and then fucked the living shit out of you..

well done BOTH of you.
 
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I think that it may be a mistake to look at this as a sex issue, or being about his fantasies and your ability to be a part of them. I guess I'd suggest not making this about you.

The fact that sticks out to me is that he was looking at porn when he should have been focusing on earning his paycheck. That's the kind thing that can get him fired and seriously screw up your life for a while. It was completely inappropriate and shows a serious lack of boundaries. I suggest looking for non sexual reasons why he's looking at porn at work. Is he unhappy with his job? Is he happy with his career and the way it's going? Is it time to work on professional development?

If it has nothing to do with work, then perhaps he's feeling depressed or otherwise distracted? Marriage problems have a way of becoming a distraction when we need to focus on supporting our family. Is he happy in your family life? Is he satisfied in his relationship with you? Obviously those are questions that only he can answer, or that the two of you need to answer together.

Lastly, there's some evidence pointing to the fact that porn is a kind of a rush. The premise is that porn is a buffet of "new and different" that rewards the brain more than the same old same old work slog, so given the choice between getting that stimulation and the drudgery of earning a day's pay it's easy to steal some time with porn. If the research is to be believed, it can be a part of a cycle where it takes more to get the same rush. I'm not sure how much credence to give that line of thinking, but have a look at "The Great Porn Experiment".

I think that it can be a mistake to make this about you, although it can certainly impact you and you may be a part of it.

Good luck!
 
Query's response was amazing and I think is valuable. I don't think the real issue is him looking at porn, I think the real problem you may be having is he is jerking off to porn while your real sex life has stagnated. One of the problems you point out rings home with me, where you have been the initiator of the kink in the bedroom and so forth, but have been too tired from work, and thus things have stagnated, I can understand that, having the kind of job where I am tired out, long commute, etc...the other point about that is when we are tired and worn out, and then face a spouse who seems indifferent, it is a lot easier to let things slide, say "I am too tired", and things slide.....

I think that in talking to your H, what I would recommend is say that looking at porn is okay, that it is okay to have fantasies that are private ones, ones he doesn't want to share, that is perfectly normal. Fantasies are to spice things up, it isn't about real life necessarily, that is the nice part. There was an article about women's romance novels, which if you have ever read them are full of men who quite frankly, are not real, nowhere approaching what real people are like, and one of the knocks on romance novels is the fear women reading them will think that is what a real man should be like, and end up being disappointed....the reality is most women reading those books realize they are fantasies, unlike Kathleen Turner's character in "Romancing the Stone", they realize men are like that, and they simply get off on the fantasy guy....same with other fantasies, it is okay to have ones that are ours alone, they don't need to be shared or acted out to be valuable....

The issue here is if he is doing that and then is not able to be sexual with you, that turns it from being a way to stimulate the juices into being kind of like having an affair, because it is taking away from the couple's relationship, not adding to it, and you have the right to make him see the porn isn't the problem, but rather it is replacing the 'real' rather than adding to it. I also agree with another poster, while I know how workplace boredom is (and do various things to try and alleviate it), Even though he is on his phone, and not using company property, can't easily be traced, the problem is he could get caught, someone could see an image on his phone who would go screaming to HR about sexual harassment or inappropriate images, it could be a mess..worse, him X rated Walter Mittying on company time could lead to him not getting his job done, not doing what is needed (same would be true of random web surfing...). ...and I think that needs to be talked about. If the job is boring, if it isn't fulfilling him, it could be a cause of problems, too, despite all the crap about 'work doesn't matter', it does, we spend a lot of time there or worrying about it, and that can hurt your relationship, too, because if the job is that bad, non stimulating, it can lead him to 'living up in his' head further........viewing porn is like Walter Mitty in a sense, it is living up in your head, which is great in short stretches, but doesn't replace real life, either;).

I think the key thing here is to let your husband know that viewing porn is okay, fantasies are okay, there is nothing to be guilty about, or jerking off to it, but that what you are concerned with is that replacing what you guys have. If he has a fantasy about being dominated by a cruel mistress and turned into a sissy slut or whatever, that is fine as something up in his mind (or if you guys decide to live it out, fine as well), but if it becomes his prime form of sex, or takes away from enjoying things with you, it is a problem, not the fantasy, but the blocking out:). One thing, it is okay to have emotions and own them, feeling guilty doesn't solve anything, rather it is better to own the emotion, and then say "what is it I want", and work towards that; it sounds like in your case, it is that the porn take a backseat to the 'real' stuff....
 
I see the real problem as lack of effort in identifying the root cause.

Why would a fellow peruse porn and possibly become aroused from it? It seems to me that he knew you would not be happy about the subject matter since he didn't feel he could discuss it with you. Its not a matter of privacy. Its a matter of trust and faith. He doesn't trust you not to freak out (you just reinforced that) and he doesn't have faith in you to support him in what he wants and possibly needs.

My wife is about 65% into BDSM. The other night she actually asked for it. I had the bright ass idea (since she asked me to use porn more often) to show her a basic BDSM video. Well it became a big problem because the guy hit the girl a little harder than she thought was right. No explanation was right. I wasn't so mad that it became a problem but rather why. She was afraid I would hit her harder. Well I wouldn't first of all but if I ever did she has a safeword.

Lack of faith. Lack of trust. It happens.
 
I am actually very surprised that the focus here is on his sexual tastes and whether or not it's okay to whatch porn and/or fap when you're not around.

dirtysluts said:
I am peeved that he was entertaining his fantasies and excluding me from them while our sex life suffered.
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This is going to be blunt, for which I am sorry. Your sex life is suffering because, and this is just my opinion, something is seriously wrong in your marriage. I believe that this has very little to do with whether porn is acceptable or his fantasies. The unvarnished truth is that he's obviously interested in sex but he's avoiding having sex with you. Avoiding sex with a warm and willing lover doesn't happen just because he wants to watch people have kinky sex. See this for what it is; he avoids sex because he doesn't want to have sex with you. That is not a sign of a healthy marriage. Ignore it at your own peril.

I appear to be alone in thinking this way, but the focus seems to be on whether or not it's okay to watch porn or have this or that fantasy. Porn is a red herring here, although it certainly can contribute to the problem. Using porn to the extent that it interferes in your marriage is a problem, whether or not you view porn or a particular kink or fantasy as a problem. You do not sound like a woman who has belittled his tastes, or done anything to shut him down as a sexual individual. He's using porn as an escape from you. Do not rug sweep this. Do not be fooled into believing that by watching porn with him or having kinky sex that you are fixing the problem. This problem is deeper than that.

Again, I am sorry if I'm being harsh but I am certain that I am not crying wolf.

I wish you the best.
 
I'm going to go in a different direction. Sometimes what a person does in privacy does not mean they're obligated to reveal it to their partner. Maybe the hub could have been more thoughtful about how the wife would interpret it, but being married or in a relationship does not mean we're to be subject to opening ourselves up 100% to our partner. I say this because in my marriage my ex seemed to think that he had a right to make judgements 24/7 on whatever I did or said. After a while, I felt like he owned me. I'm not saying this is what the op and her partner are experiencing. I'm just saying there needs to be boundaries in any relationship, regardless of subject matter.
 
People tend to do what makes them feel good and avoid what makes them feel bad. If your husband is watching porn on his phone, I think there is a pretty good chance that it makes him feel good. If he is not telling you about it, I think there is a pretty good chance that he thinks that that might not make him feel good. I have no idea why. You have already said that you both have an interest in porn, smut, erotica, call it what you will. But if he thought that it would make you feel good, I think there is a very real possibility that he would have shared. And, from what you say, he didn’t – at least not willingly.

So, where do you go now? I would think that one of the worst things that you could do would be to beat him up for going off on a ‘private track’. You now know that he has. And he now knows that you know that he has. So it’s sort of out in the open. You can talk about it. You can each tell each other what you like about it – and what you maybe don’t like about it. But the good thing is, you are now in a position where you can talk without blaming the other for doing what they think makes them feel good. Get talking. And good luck.
 
LadyVer said:
I say this because in my marriage my ex seemed to think that he had a right to make judgements 24/7 on whatever I did or said. After a while, I felt like he owned me. I'm not saying this is what the op and her partner are experiencing. I'm just saying there needs to be boundaries in any relationship, regardless of subject matter.
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The OP has said that he did this extensively while at work. I believe that in marriage there are certain expectations that we're allowed to have about our spouse that don't fall into the category of judgement. One is that they take their roles and obligations in the marriage seriously, including working when they are supposed to be working so that we don't have a sudden loss of income and possible debilitating drop in future earning potential that comes from having that sort of thing discovered. That just adds more stress and puts the marriage at risk.

A corollary to that IMHO is that we do have a right to expect that they are a person of integrity, if that sort of thing is important to us. Drawing pay when we're not actually working to earn it reflects on our character personally in a way that I don't feel is judgmental. An otherwise honest and hard working person drawing pay for a days work yet not actually earning it because they are watching porn is a possible indicator that something is compelling them to watch porn instead of work. Life problems, depression, marriage problems, etc are good places to look.

Again, just my opinion. I am sorry that your ex was a runaway train.
 
query said:
This hits VERY close to home for me.

Now single I can look at anything I like and more importantly interact with anyone I choose to with not guilt, no remorse.

I grew up HEAVILY repressed.

Porn for me was the JC Penney's catalog. I for example removed some lingerie pages (they were the only part of the catalog that was in black and white..EVEN MR. J.C. Penny's apparently disapproved of my prurient use of them).

My Mother shamed the HELL out of me over it. Made me sit beside her in tears as she went PAGE-by-PAGE through it pointing out why each and every one of them were not to be viewed in an objectifying manner. She DID not wire my dick up to electrodes and deliver an aversion therapy shock with each image, but she might as well have.

I repressed DEEP. I voyeur-ed in secret, and dangerously so.

Flash forward. I get married to, like you, a wonderfully open minded girl. Her mom was a prostitute, she was the LAST one to want to shame me, but she did. Repeatedly.


I found a video while hunting in the desert. A tame "all markets" copy of Debbie Does Dallas. I was embarrassed and excited to find it. Had I not had my hunting buddies with me I would have picked it up, dusted it off and taken it home. Maybe. If so I would have watched it felt guilty as hell and thrown it away. Maybe dug it out of the garbage, watched it again. I am not exaggerating the level of ridiculous angst.

My lovely wife, when I told her about it ASKED me to go back and get it. I did. It was a formative video for her...she saw it at 13. She was upset it was the non-graphic heavily edited version..i thought it was hot as hell to watch especially with a warm supportive wife by my side. Did that experience "fix" me? HELL no. I did a couple of years of expensive therapy in arguably the best sex-addict clinic in one of the largest cities in the US. Did that "fix" me? Somewhat.

Like you my wife had NO problem with porn she was involved with but could NEVER understand me craving for privacy. EVEN knowing the story above. Even when treated at the same clinic as a co-addict..(in hindsight it was all wrong SHE is the sex addict, I am the love addict, but I digress)

At some point about 17 years in, we got honest. BRUTALLY honest. It started because I had a window into a long repressed desire of mine that felt weird, and very unsafe sharing. She snooped (as she always did - nothing like peeping on a peeper, huh?) found something, was incensed, then a light of compassion dawned and we explored a whole 'nother side of me together. It made every angst filled portion of our marriage before and since up to and including her poor choices at the end worth it. THAT 'fixed' me.

My take is when I got healthy I was no longer interesting to snoop on, I was no longer a source for craved drama. She found a thing or two that she manufactured into drama.

She knew I loved lit as a guilty pleasure and I would pledge time and time again to stay away. One day when everything ELSE was going quite well...I felt NO pull to lit to "interview" girls james spader in sex lies and videotape style...I created an ID 'just to check' and to say thank you to a brave person whose thread inspired the place she and I were. Understand- that sort of rationalization is slippery behavior...i likely would have returned on an "unhealthy day" but I hadn't been having any need for secrecy. My wife and I were on our way to being fairly well known in the sex-blogger community. She snooped found the new id and said to me..."Look, I KNOW what that place means to you...I WANT you to go back."

Sensing a trap..(ultimately it was, but she meant it at the time...the same way I ALWAYS meant it at the time when I said I was done with porn)..I hesitated...she explained it like this. "If the first time I 'caught' you you had simply said, 'HEY! I am a GROWN-ASS man and if i want to look at porn I will!" I would have accepted that...it was all the denials and the hiding and the going back after saying you wouldnt that always worried me."

So, to you on behalf of your husband:

"Listen, Bitch! (and I mean that in the most loving, wonderful Sire to his Bitch sorta way) He is a GROWN-ASS man and if he wants to look at porn (and possibly jerk off), it is HIS mind and HIS dick. Be glad he shares it with you and not random girls he meets.

NO ONE faults women inflaming their libidos with prurient TV and romance novels.

I LOVE Dr. Jenn Berman (Even before I knew she is HOT as hell, like hotter than pornstar hot, but I digress)

She says often: "You shouldn't care where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home."

Think about it. He could pass a billboard (or a HOT girl) on the street, pop wood and come home and give the what-for like you've never had it. If that happens, do you:

a)Want to know the details of how his normal, male, libido worked as god, goddess or nature intended if he came home to you?

b)Do you think he SHOULD feel guilty for his reaction?

My example I realize doesn't involve what you perceive as sneaky duplicity, and he didn't invite the experience.

Ok, fair enough...try this one:

His buddies are celebrating a divorce in their circle and they 'drag' him (not all that unwillingly) to a strip club....he ogles but feels punishingly guilty about it.

He so guilty he worries you might sense something so he is a little distant, trying to forget his shame...

You hate him still?

Sometimes we as humans are on our own private paths...it was WONDERFUL when for whatever reason stars aligned and I was able to walk my weird, definitely less traveled path for a while WITH my (at the time) beautiful, patient, adaptable wife. She ended up taking a fork in the road of her own later, on a fairly common path that NO ONE that 'knew us when' would ever think made sense. She is on her own path now and I wish her well. She was GOOD for me once.

You didn't "FIND" this out, you snooped, you violated your partners privacy. Would you be OK with him going through your diary (if people still kept those) if he had a "hunch" noticed you were "distant" or whatever your spidey sense was telling you?

Don't misunderstand I don't HIS behavior is healthy. Clearly it is not. Notably, he DIDN'T eat at home. Whenever a man or woman's own masturbatory practices leaves them unavailable to their partner it IS a problem...It is HIS problem. Your part in it is to decide how best to take care of your needs up to and including providing a safe environment where he MIGHT be able to say..."Geeze, honey, I fucked up today, I got a little overexcited before I could get home to you and I fired it off a couple of (three-dozen) times and I guess I am "eating" at home tonight if that's OK..."

If he gets progressively worse..(and he may without professional help) you may on your own find that the level of intimacy and frankly the frequency of sex isn't meeting your needs..that's what couples counseling and subsequently divorce are geared to assist with.

You have it all wrong you didn't "REWARD" his bad behavior with sex!!! What is your pussy made of silk and myrrh and only bestowed on the deserving? Never had a one night stand in your wild single days? Did THAT guy deserve it more than your (necessarily) penitent husband? Really?

You BOTH were rewarded by the Gods of relationships for reaching a point of brutal honesty...him more than you..you at least admited (but are not sorry for) the breech of privacy, him for admitting (only when caught) to spanking the monkey to teh kinky pron...

Those Gods bestow their WARMEST blessings on deserving COUPLES with HOT monkey-love sex...BASK in it...

I have had some Blog-worthy sex with some AMAZING creatures the likes of which you wouldn't believe me even if I introduced you to them.

It (so far) has NEVER reached the level of God-like earth-melting fire that those few months I had with my wife when we were at the level you achieved the other night.

He COULD have turtled in...he could have hid in his shame..(I did for years)..instead he admitted that HE was in the wrong here (dumbass!..just kidding that is catnip to chicks) he apologized, and pledged eternal fealty and then fucked the living shit out of you..

well done BOTH of you.
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First he leaves his email up all the time, he was right there, I really had no idea he was hiding anything so I had nothing to snoop for. I was floored.

And no I don't think my pussy is made of gold. It is very hard to express ones true feelings in writting to a bunch of strangers. I am basking in the sex, the problem is I am also feeling very nervous and like something is shady here. He lied to me. He hid this from me for months at the least, maybe longer. In 13 years I have never felt insecure in this relationship, and now I do.
 
pplwatching said:
I think that it may be a mistake to look at this as a sex issue, or being about his fantasies and your ability to be a part of them. I guess I'd suggest not making this about you.

The fact that sticks out to me is that he was looking at porn when he should have been focusing on earning his paycheck. That's the kind thing that can get him fired and seriously screw up your life for a while. It was completely inappropriate and shows a serious lack of boundaries. I suggest looking for non sexual reasons why he's looking at porn at work. Is he unhappy with his job? Is he happy with his career and the way it's going? Is it time to work on professional development?

If it has nothing to do with work, then perhaps he's feeling depressed or otherwise distracted? Marriage problems have a way of becoming a distraction when we need to focus on supporting our family. Is he happy in your family life? Is he satisfied in his relationship with you? Obviously those are questions that only he can answer, or that the two of you need to answer together.

Lastly, there's some evidence pointing to the fact that porn is a kind of a rush. The premise is that porn is a buffet of "new and different" that rewards the brain more than the same old same old work slog, so given the choice between getting that stimulation and the drudgery of earning a day's pay it's easy to steal some time with porn. If the research is to be believed, it can be a part of a cycle where it takes more to get the same rush. I'm not sure how much credence to give that line of thinking, but have a look at "The Great Porn Experiment".

I think that it can be a mistake to make this about you, although it can certainly impact you and you may be a part of it.

Good luck!
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Thank you for the advice, I think it is solid. He says he is happy and I feel that he is. I know I am. He says it has been very slow at work. He's been complaining for awhile that a lot of the time there is nothing for him to do. I will have to check out that video.
 
JtohisPB said:
I've been wanting to post in this thread for a couple of days, but have struggled to come up with the right words. After reading the posts by Query and pplwatching, though, I'd just like to echo them.

Query spotlights feeling shamed and judged. Partners should be one another's safe place. We don't know every detail about the OP's relationship, but I read it as open and sex positive. Until. Read through Query's post...he is incredibly open about what that judgement feels like on the recipient's end.

Is it possible that he had no idea this would be a personal issue for you? Perhaps the fact that it was at work was, rightfully, causing him shame. But he was surprised that the porn watching was a betrayal?

I personally think you get past this by choosing to get past it. Please stop shaming him, please open up to hearing his perspective while reserving judgement. You both deserve this. He, and you, need a safe place. Ideally that would be each other.
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He says he didn't tell me cause he knew I would be upset. I was surprised by how upset I was actually. I believe he was ashamed at the content of what he was viewing. I was way more upset about him trying to cover it up. I don't care if he looks at porn! Really I don't. And I knew that he has fantasies about the stuff he was viewing. I guess he didn't really want to entertain those fantasies with me. We have discussed it and are dealving into what he would like to keep seperate and what we can indulge in together.

I am sure we are having some issues elsewhere that my have contributed to this on my part and I will be working very hard to take care of that on my end.

I love my husband and would never want him to feel ashamed for his feelings. I am human and have feelings as well though, and it is hard for me when my husband tells me I wanted to share this with you but I was afraid. That is a shitty ass feeling, especially when I trust him with my world and I thought he trusted me with his.
 
pplwatching said:
I am actually very surprised that the focus here is on his sexual tastes and whether or not it's okay to whatch porn and/or fap when you're not around.



This is going to be blunt, for which I am sorry. Your sex life is suffering because, and this is just my opinion, something is seriously wrong in your marriage. I believe that this has very little to do with whether porn is acceptable or his fantasies. The unvarnished truth is that he's obviously interested in sex but he's avoiding having sex with you. Avoiding sex with a warm and willing lover doesn't happen just because he wants to watch people have kinky sex. See this for what it is; he avoids sex because he doesn't want to have sex with you. That is not a sign of a healthy marriage. Ignore it at your own peril.

I appear to be alone in thinking this way, but the focus seems to be on whether or not it's okay to watch porn or have this or that fantasy. Porn is a red herring here, although it certainly can contribute to the problem. Using porn to the extent that it interferes in your marriage is a problem, whether or not you view porn or a particular kink or fantasy as a problem. You do not sound like a woman who has belittled his tastes, or done anything to shut him down as a sexual individual. He's using porn as an escape from you. Do not rug sweep this. Do not be fooled into believing that by watching porn with him or having kinky sex that you are fixing the problem. This problem is deeper than that.

Again, I am sorry if I'm being harsh but I am certain that I am not crying wolf.

I wish you the best.
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Wow our sex life wasn't suffering that badly. We were just having less sex, with less sex being on average about two times a week. Which is still probably more than most married people have it. It's just much less than we usually average.

Why do you saying he is using porn to escape me?
 
njlauren said:
Query's response was amazing and I think is valuable. I don't think the real issue is him looking at porn, I think the real problem you may be having is he is jerking off to porn while your real sex life has stagnated. One of the problems you point out rings home with me, where you have been the initiator of the kink in the bedroom and so forth, but have been too tired from work, and thus things have stagnated, I can understand that, having the kind of job where I am tired out, long commute, etc...the other point about that is when we are tired and worn out, and then face a spouse who seems indifferent, it is a lot easier to let things slide, say "I am too tired", and things slide.....

I think that in talking to your H, what I would recommend is say that looking at porn is okay, that it is okay to have fantasies that are private ones, ones he doesn't want to share, that is perfectly normal. Fantasies are to spice things up, it isn't about real life necessarily, that is the nice part. There was an article about women's romance novels, which if you have ever read them are full of men who quite frankly, are not real, nowhere approaching what real people are like, and one of the knocks on romance novels is the fear women reading them will think that is what a real man should be like, and end up being disappointed....the reality is most women reading those books realize they are fantasies, unlike Kathleen Turner's character in "Romancing the Stone", they realize men are like that, and they simply get off on the fantasy guy....same with other fantasies, it is okay to have ones that are ours alone, they don't need to be shared or acted out to be valuable....

The issue here is if he is doing that and then is not able to be sexual with you, that turns it from being a way to stimulate the juices into being kind of like having an affair, because it is taking away from the couple's relationship, not adding to it, and you have the right to make him see the porn isn't the problem, but rather it is replacing the 'real' rather than adding to it. I also agree with another poster, while I know how workplace boredom is (and do various things to try and alleviate it), Even though he is on his phone, and not using company property, can't easily be traced, the problem is he could get caught, someone could see an image on his phone who would go screaming to HR about sexual harassment or inappropriate images, it could be a mess..worse, him X rated Walter Mittying on company time could lead to him not getting his job done, not doing what is needed (same would be true of random web surfing...). ...and I think that needs to be talked about. If the job is boring, if it isn't fulfilling him, it could be a cause of problems, too, despite all the crap about 'work doesn't matter', it does, we spend a lot of time there or worrying about it, and that can hurt your relationship, too, because if the job is that bad, non stimulating, it can lead him to 'living up in his' head further........viewing porn is like Walter Mitty in a sense, it is living up in your head, which is great in short stretches, but doesn't replace real life, either;).

I think the key thing here is to let your husband know that viewing porn is okay, fantasies are okay, there is nothing to be guilty about, or jerking off to it, but that what you are concerned with is that replacing what you guys have. If he has a fantasy about being dominated by a cruel mistress and turned into a sissy slut or whatever, that is fine as something up in his mind (or if you guys decide to live it out, fine as well), but if it becomes his prime form of sex, or takes away from enjoying things with you, it is a problem, not the fantasy, but the blocking out:). One thing, it is okay to have emotions and own them, feeling guilty doesn't solve anything, rather it is better to own the emotion, and then say "what is it I want", and work towards that; it sounds like in your case, it is that the porn take a backseat to the 'real' stuff....
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Thank you for your response, you have good insight.
 
SamScribble said:
People tend to do what makes them feel good and avoid what makes them feel bad. If your husband is watching porn on his phone, I think there is a pretty good chance that it makes him feel good. If he is not telling you about it, I think there is a pretty good chance that he thinks that that might not make him feel good. I have no idea why. You have already said that you both have an interest in porn, smut, erotica, call it what you will. But if he thought that it would make you feel good, I think there is a very real possibility that he would have shared. And, from what you say, he didn’t – at least not willingly.

So, where do you go now? I would think that one of the worst things that you could do would be to beat him up for going off on a ‘private track’. You now know that he has. And he now knows that you know that he has. So it’s sort of out in the open. You can talk about it. You can each tell each other what you like about it – and what you maybe don’t like about it. But the good thing is, you are now in a position where you can talk without blaming the other for doing what they think makes them feel good. Get talking. And good luck.
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Thank you.
 
SweetErika said:
Did you guys have an agreement that porn was something to be shared as a couple, or did you agree it was OK to indulge in it individually? Was he really keeping it a secret from you, or was he working on the idea that it was OK for him to watch porn without you? Did he ever lie about it, or did he just not mention it?

Are you more upset about him watching the porn, or that he didn't tell you he was looking at a lot of taboo porn?

Is it possible your husband has felt like he was in a sexual rut himself, and maybe looked at the more taboo porn to try to pull himself out of that rut? If he was in a rut (maybe due to stress in other areas of his life), is it possible that rut/feelings (vs. the porn) was the main cause of your lack of sex? I'm wondering this especially because you say he's been viewing the porn for several months, whereas you haven't had much dirty sex in two years.

Anyway, those of the things I'd be thinking about and trying to answer in your situation. Sometimes it's easier to move past things when you have a fuller understanding of them. Try to gain more understanding of his perspective and figure out where you both got off track. Then come up with some agreements that you can both be happy with for the future. My husband and I have agreed that porn and masturbation are fine when either one person is ill or has declined sexual activity - that way it doesn't ever take the place of sex, and I never feel insecure, or like my husband is choosing porn over being sexual with me. Maybe a similar agreement would work for you guys. Either way, it's in your best interest to spell out a reasonable policy that allows for a healthy amount of masturbation and porn/erotica so no one feels deprived and you avoid misunderstandings.

And on the very bright side, at least this is about porn and not living out his fantasies with other partners behind your back! I'm not minimizing your feelings, but it might be helpful to focus on the positives of the situation. :)
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Thank you for your response. I think i have answered most of your questions on previous replies. We are working on getting to mutual ground. As far as the porn goes, he has offered to delete his account. I told him not to. He wants us to create one together which I will do when I am ready. I told him he does need to delete his account, he can keep it, we can create one, and if I want I will create my own. Just not right now.
 
GiggLeGasm said:
For me, I think it might depend on how I found out about his secret. Happening upon a picture is a little different than sneaking to his phone at 0300 when he isn't looking.

The layers of how a breach in trust impact a relationship can be complex and it is up to each of us to handle them. If you're just hear to vent because you're "talked out" at home, I hope it's helping :)
If you're looking for advice, don't forget to tell him how you feel. Having been in a similar situation, I spent a lot of time on "why did you.." and "how could you.."
I should have spent less time being a victim and more time being a woman.
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Thank you for your advice. :)
 
Ya know I think that you both seem to have a lot going for you. I also think it might be helpful to step back a little and not focus so hard on the fact that he was doing something without you knowing. Sex especially good kink can take a huge amount of energy and sometimes porn is just a lazy way of taking care of the itch. From what you have said about him so far he doesn't seem to me to have ever wanted to hurt you. No matter who we are with we all sometime need to travel different paths before we wander back. I find that this keeps things fresh and is healthy. You're question was how to get over it. I say stop focusing on getting your feelings a little hurt and move ahead. Sounds like a good match and be thankful for the great se life you have compared to many, many others. Cheers!
 
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