Awkward and Frustrating [Please Help]

So, I am 18 years old, and thus am still living with my parents.
Unfortunately, my mother has recently figured out where all of my bruises/welts/bite marks come from.
Even more unfortunately, she has been very rude and condescending about my preferences, saying things such as, "You must have low self-esteem if you let X beat you," and "Honey, you don't have to let X take advantage of you like that."
She doesn't seem to realize that I was the one who asked X to dominate me. It was my idea. Whenever I try to get that across to my mother, she's degrades me for "disrespecting" myself. She's even trying to get me to go to a therapy group.

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice.
How do I explain to her that I LIKE this lifestyle?
How do I get it across to her that, instead of having LOW self-confidence, one must actually have HIGH self-esteem to be a submissive?
I have tried many times to explain that to her, but I feel like I'm not using the right words.

Honestly, if my 18 year old was showing up with bruises and bite marks, I'd be concerned, too...

There is often a fine line (as well as a ginormous gulf) between BDSM and abuse. Especially when it comes to S/M activities. You can't for e he to like your choices, but you can discuss it rationally (now that the cats out of the bag).

When Someone You Love is Kinky can be found on Amazon, and it's a good start. I'm rushing out the door, but will add more later if I think orang thing else.

Thank you CutieMouse.

PrettyKitty95 said:

So, I am 18 years old, and thus am still living with my parents.
Unfortunately, my mother has recently figured out where all of my bruises/welts/bite marks come from.
Even more unfortunately, she has been very rude and condescending about my preferences, saying things such as, "You must have low self-esteem if you let X beat you," and "Honey, you don't have to let X take advantage of you like that."
She doesn't seem to realize that I was the one who asked X to dominate me. It was my idea. Whenever I try to get that across to my mother, she's degrades me for "disrespecting" myself. She's even trying to get me to go to a therapy group.

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice.
How do I explain to her that I LIKE this lifestyle?
How do I get it across to her that, instead of having LOW self-confidence, one must actually have HIGH self-esteem to be a submissive?
I have tried many times to explain that to her, but I feel like I'm not using the right words.

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I'm not sure you will be able to get her to understand. Some people just don't.

I haven't come out as kinky to any of my family, so this is just a thought, but what if you said something like,

"Mum, I am really happy. I love myself, I love my body. What X and I do together sexually is something we both want, and it makes me happy. I know you're worried about him taking advantage of me, but I've asked him to do these things with me because I trust him very much, and this is an experience I want to have. It's like skydiving, to me.

I know it seems strange to you because it's not the sort of thing you like, but I'm asking you to trust my judgment. You've raised me to love myself and to stand up for myself, and I promise if I'm ever in a relationship where I'm not being treated right, I will stand up for myself.

We have talked about how rough we will be, and I promise I'll never be seriously hurt because of it. This isn't X hurting me in anger. This me asking X for some rougher play in our sexual relationship that I enjoy."

And then maybe limit marks to places nobody will see? That's what I do with most of my partners, too. If someone who's not sleeping with my partner is seeing the marks, I've probably fucked up.

Also, just an fyi, no, you don't need to have high self-esteem to be a submissive. Low self-esteem is something many of my partners have struggled with. If you love yourself and have a healthy self-esteem, that is great! I'd suggest when you talk to your mum to be really specific about YOU.

Talk about YOU, and how YOU are happy and healthy, and really truly okay. Your mother doesn't understand this. To her, it's like self-harming with an accomplice, or allowing yourself to be a victim of real abuse. I'd keep emphasising that it's "rough sex", because that's something closer to her reality. It sounds like BDSM is a little beyond her, and that's okay. She doesn't need to understand your driving need to submit or your masochistic urges. All she needs to know is that her darling child is safe and happy and capable of standing up for yourself if anyone is treating you badly.

It's a Mum's job to be protective. She is looking out for you.
I would sit down with her and explain in a rational way, write down your thoughts so that if things get emotional, you have a clear explanation to hand to her.

Be sympathetic, If my daughter turned up with visible bruises, I would be very concerned. Even though I am in this lifestyle, I would be grilling her Dom to make sure he was keeping my girl safe.

Also, if she's offering to pay for therapy? Assuming that's legit and not some church joker, take her up on it, never, ever turn down therapy is my motto. BUT!

Choose your therapist, you don't have to accept the one that she thinks is right. You do not have to accept the first therapist you see. tell them striaght up that you are into BDSM, that's not an issue, and although you don't mind educating someone to a certain extent, talking to someone kink-friendly is non-negotiable.

Also, for another way of looking at the dynamic, read the link in my signature

Ok, I have a bit more time now. Since you decided to allow bruises/etc where they can be seen and arouse suspicion, you're probably going to have to deal with damage control for quite a while. The book I suggested earlier, might be a good start. In addition, I have a few rhetorical questions (from a mother's perspective) that might help you work through talking about your interests.

You said you asked for this dynamic. Why? I mean sincerely WHY did you want your boyfriend to treat you this way?What urges, needs, or desires does it fill?

What steps have you taken to ensure your safety? What research have you done to make sure XYZ activity *isn't* going to cause permanent harm? Are you educated and articulate about your kinks? Is your partner? Almost any relationship (kink or not) has the potential to turn abusive... what safety net is in place to reduce that risk with your current relationship, and what signs do you know to look for, to evaluate the emotional, mental and physical "health" of your relationship?

My oldest two children are 17 and 19, and the above questions are the things I would want to have answers to if they entered into a relationship incorporating BDSM. "But I asked him to/ I'm happy this way" wouldn't cut it, for me...

If after reading the book CM suggested, and talking to her still doesn't work, I'd honestly consider telling her it's something you're not really into anymore, and making sure your marks are more hidden in the future. I don't like to recommend lying, but... I know my mom would never, ever understand. I'm going home to stay with my family for the holidays.. and as much as I love bruises, I know I can only have them where they don't show. My mom would worry if she saw them, and there is no way she'd understand. She might say she does, because she's pretty openminded and cool actually, but I know she wouldn't be ok with someone hitting me or "hurting" me, no matter how much i tried to convince her that I want it and it makes me happy.

I just realized you're in Dallas.

Join Fetlife.com, and look for the 4th Friday munch (should be coming up soon), as well as the group called DIK. Join the groups, go to the 4th Friday thing, meet the people from DIK (they should have a table or something), and ask someone to introduce you to the TNG (The Next Generation) group - aimed at 18-35 year olds.

I'm not really a munch/support group kind of person re: kink, but it sounds like you're in a place in life where it would be very helpful. From what I've heard, Dallas has a pretty active scene.

Pachet said:

If after reading the book CM suggested, and talking to her still doesn't work, I'd honestly consider telling her it's something you're not really into anymore, and making sure your marks are more hidden in the future. I don't like to recommend lying, but... I know my mom would never, ever understand. I'm going home to stay with my family for the holidays.. and as much as I love bruises, I know I can only have them where they don't show. My mom would worry if she saw them, and there is no way she'd understand. She might say she does, because she's pretty openminded and cool actually, but I know she wouldn't be ok with someone hitting me or "hurting" me, no matter how much i tried to convince her that I want it and it makes me happy.

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Whether you choose to be open about doing this or not, I think you should consider not being open with the marks it leaves.
It does make people uncomfortable and may cause unnecessary concern among friends and loved ones and it can get you in all sorts of trouble too.
You have to be sure that it's really wort it to you.

PrettyKitty95 said:

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice.
How do I explain to her that I LIKE this lifestyle?

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You don't. A crack smoker will also say that (s)he likes this and it's his/her choice and ... and ... and ...

How do I get it across to her that, instead of having LOW self-confidence, one must actually have HIGH self-esteem to be a submissive?
I have tried many times to explain that to her, but I feel like I'm not using the right words.

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"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." - Thomas Gray

If you don't want that someone worries about you, don't give them a reason. This is true for "Hey, I'm going to parachute" to "Hey, I'm going to get hit by a guy."

Probably not what you want to hear, but you're only 18 (three years too young to even buy alcohol), so if your mother wasn't worried there would be something seriously wrong. If you're that young and still living at home, if you want to do things you know will upset your parents, you have to do a real good job of hiding it. But in my opinion, if you're too young to decide whether or not you can drink alcohol, you're too young to decide it's okay to let a man beat you up. Generally, parents aren't thrilled to find out their children still living at home are having sex at all, let alone sex that leaves bruises. You didn't mention whether you have a father around, but a lot of Texas fathers wouldn't just be worried, they'd want to shoot the guy hurting their little girl.

PrettyKitty95 said:

So, I am 18 years old, and thus am still living with my parents.
Unfortunately, my mother has recently figured out where all of my bruises/welts/bite marks come from.
Even more unfortunately, she has been very rude and condescending about my preferences, saying things such as, "You must have low self-esteem if you let X beat you," and "Honey, you don't have to let X take advantage of you like that."

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If it's any consolation, back when I was living at home, my mother didn't need BDSM as a reason to disapprove of my relationships 18 may feel all grown-up from where you stand, but most 18-year-olds I've known (myself included) still had a huge amount to learn, so I can't blame her for feeling protective.

She doesn't seem to realize that I was the one who asked X to dominate me. It was my idea.

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Yes, consent is what makes BDSM justifiable.

BUT

Consent isn't just about our partners. Bystanders have rights too. Many people would be distressed by seeing any woman who'd been beaten to the point of bruising, let alone if it was their own daughter, living under their roof. Your mother is within her rights to feel uncomfortable about this. I think you're more likely to make progress if you acknowledge that rather than just approaching the issue as "how do I show her she's wrong".

I guess what I'm asking for is some advice.
How do I explain to her that I LIKE this lifestyle?
How do I get it across to her that, instead of having LOW self-confidence, one must actually have HIGH self-esteem to be a submissive?

Click to expand...

Not actually true, alas - I've known several subs who had low self-esteem. It happens.

As a mother myself I would be horrified to see bruises on my daughter, and probably would jump to all kinds of conclusions. Its a mother's job to protect their offspring and your mum is right to be deeply concerned.

Its great you are willing (albeit because of this) to talk to your mum and be open. I'm guessing by your age your mum would be a similar age group to me (40's) and may be more open to hearing about this lifestyle than you think. Its so easy to feel at the age of 18 that parents are 'oldies' and would never understand, but we have all been your age. Of course, we don't know your mum so we can't comment about her reaction, but from your point of view there are many things you can do to put her mind at rest.

Firstly, try to see things from her point of view, she is probably wrestling with the idea that it could be her fault-as parents we often lay guilt on our own shoulders wondering if we could have done things differently or better. This may be magnifying her feelings about what is going on.

I think you should also consider where the evidence of your lifestyle and BDSM activities are, having bruises in visible places is not good, if your mum is seeing them who else is?

Has she met your partner? Maybe its a good idea for her to build a relationship with him?

Talk, talk and talk to her-but also listen. Listen to her feelings, her worries and her concerns.

Your sex life should be personal and private...it is nobody else's business. Evidence of physical harm is something else entirely. People who care about you are going to be concerned, and this will be true for the rest of your life. Use your head, and cover up...keep what should be private, private.

No. I'm going to take a different viewpoint to most of your responders, PK95.

I'm 55 and in today's world if a parent was not aware of the far greater sexual scope of the average teenager, then there would be little point too seriously listening to their advice anyway.

I think it's going to be difficult to join up the separate generations here, as far as sex practices go, in SOME instances.

I used to be a professional competitive athlete at a certain stage and physical risks were always there. At 18 you should still know when or if things are moving into areas your body cannot withstand. Even topline boxers can sustain permanent head injuries once they take too many risks. At 18 it is YOUR responsibility to know where that redline is and to not cross over it.

It has been my own view for some time that of the two sides in a genuinely powerful D/s relationship, the submissive is far and away the stronger one... And in what I consider the ideal and 'real' thing, oh yes, a very high self esteem is possessed by the sub - depending too, though, on the dominant partner and what their character is like.

Can an 18 year old make mistakes and misjudgements of another's character? Sure, so can a much older person too; people are tricky and complex sometimes.

The number one way you can gain the respect of an older person is to make sure that they know you are listening to them - without necessarily altering your own viewpoint or ideas - and treating them with respect. They may be different to you, but then again, maybe not either, and listening to people counts when it comes to getting real experience. The more you listen the more she will very likely stop thinking you don't know what you are doing.

And hey, it will be painful to listen, over and over and over. That is what respect is though and there is nothing wrong with putting the time in. The more you give, the more you give, the more you ARE. You might get nothing back. And that's okay. You might get way too much negativity, and then you will know that your parent is just too closed minded and that'll be okay too.

Because they have just as much responsibility to wake up and be smart, just as you do. No more no less. You could adopt the position of always being polite to begin with. And see where it goes. In the end, in most normal circumstances, you will outlive them and be the 'older person' soon enough.

This is a difficult question. As long as your parent is not aggressive, everything will be fine.

D.

Something I learned from not having the greatest relationship with my mother - it's not her job to validate everything you do simply because she was heavy breathing and pushing you out 18 years ago. You're legally an adult and you're moving into the world of making your own decisions.

Part of this may mean doing something because you believe your reasons to be valid and that's all you have to say about it. Your mother no longer needs to check your work or sign the permission slip, and that's actually kind of a painful thing to realize in some cases.

I have a lot of reasons I get clueless or frustrating comments from my mother. These are simply closed subjects which are not up for discussion. If I need advice or validation, I know where I'm not about to get it, and I look to other resources for that.

Hmm

I thought a responsible Dominant was never allowed to leave bruises, marks, and scars?

Bean_Linda91 said:

I thought a responsible Dominant was never allowed to leave bruises, marks, and scars?

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What "rule book" is that written in?

Bean_Linda91 said:

I thought a responsible Dominant was never allowed to leave bruises, marks, and scars?

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That would make a certain subset of masochists very sad.

Bean_Linda91 said:

I thought a responsible Dominant was never allowed to leave bruises, marks, and scars?

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If Master and I part without me having a big old bite mark somewhere about my person, I feel very sad. We live apart (currently) and I have that to press on to feel him with me.
However it is never anywhere that can be seen if I am in a short sleeved shirt and knee length skirt (same as my tattoos)
I have to live and work in the vanilla world, and sometimes it simply isn't worth the hassle to prove a point.

CutieMouse said:

What "rule book" is that written in?

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Come to think of it, that is in Anne Rice's books. The minute any Lord or Lady broke the skin on any Prince or Princess, all the fun was over, and I'm pretty sure a similar rule was in that 'Eden' book as well.

Dear heart, those books are fiction, just like fifty shades is, and whatever rules you find in it-- you may well adopt them, but there are no universal rules in real life. Please, be aware of that and never assume some guy will automatically be a Dominant boy scout on your behalf.

CutieMouse said:

What "rule book" is that written in?

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Don't know, everyone has their own "rule books" for their specific type of sexual fantasy or sexual life style. I read it while during research for my major, I'm just as confused as the person who posted this thread. My post was not to give advice, just a question for my own benefit. (Which is pretty shallow, since it's not my thread...in my opinion)
Personally, I don't think bruises or scars should be allowed. Once again, that is my personal thought but I do remember reading this "rule" somewhere.

Bean_Linda91 said:

Don't know, everyone has their own "rule books" for their specific type of sexual fantasy or sexual life style. I read it while during research for my major, I'm just as confused as the person who posted this thread. My post was not to give advice, just a question for my own benefit. (Which is pretty shallow, since it's not my thread...in my opinion)
Personally, I don't think bruises or scars should be allowed. Once again, that is my personal thought but I do remember reading this "rule" somewhere.

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As I said right above you, that is in Anne Rice's books. The minute any Lord or Lady broke the skin on any Prince or Princess, all the fun was over, and I'm pretty sure a similar rule was in that 'Eden' book as well.

Those are novels. In the real world, masochism is not restricted to royalty.

Bean_Linda91 said:

Don't know, everyone has their own "rule books" for their specific type of sexual fantasy or sexual life style. I read it while during research for my major, I'm just as confused as the person who posted this thread. My post was not to give advice, just a question for my own benefit. (Which is pretty shallow, since it's not my thread...in my opinion)
Personally, I don't think bruises or scars should be allowed. Once again, that is my personal thought but I do remember reading this "rule" somewhere.

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As a personal rule, it's not a bad one. However, if it was a general rule, many folk would be grouchy. I'm not for scars, but I like a good bruise here and there to giggle about fondly. I don't mind a little bit of rope chafe either, as long as all of this is somewhere hideable for "real life".