What is Real BDSM?

I for some reason seem often fancy myself as a young and sexually naive chap, and it usually turns out to be true unless speaking to members of my age group. However, this subject seems to strive to surprise me at every turn. At one point I believe that the BDSM relationship is simply a pair of rather raunchy people that enjoy brutalizing each other in the bedroom, then it seems like a kinky form of a power struggle, then an infinite number of other things that all seem to fall into the category. I believe my struggle here is simply because I have not physically experienced such a relationship myself.

So, in a nutshell, I started this thread to hopefully gather those of you who have experienced this intimate type of relationship and try to shed some light on us young folk who haven't yet had the joys of BDSM. Especially since we often find that it is a perverse practice between total strangers that simply like the thrill of doing the nasty as hard and painful as possible. And possibly throwing in a bit of whipping and paddling too.

But I'll be perfectly honest and say that I really put this on here to see what you all would say.

Wow, that's a big question! And in many ways, a meaningless one, I'm sorry. BDSM is a multifacted acronym; Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Slave and Master, Sadism and Masochism... Which doesn't specifically name a whole lot of other things that might shelter under the umbrella of kink.

There are a hundred ways to conceptualize each of those things as motivations or activities, and any one person can be drawn to one more more of them in varying combinations, solo, or with a preferred partner or in groups or free range-- 24/7, or limited to the weekends, or once in a rare while.

But there is one thing that kind of does define real BDSM as it is now understood, and that is informed consent. Without consent, it's abuse. With consent-- it's participation.

So-- what bits in particular do you want to know about?

PerversionVirgin said:

At one point I believe that the BDSM relationship is simply a pair of rather raunchy people that enjoy brutalizing each other in the bedroom, then it seems like a kinky form of a power struggle, then an infinite number of other things that all seem to fall into the category.

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BDSM can be all what you just described here.

Going for the age old metaphor: BDSM is a smörgåsbord and you pick what you want from it and in which ratio. BDSM is a portmanteau for BD - bondage&discipline, DS - dominance&submission and SM - sadism&masochism, so there's a wide range to pick and choose from.

It can be 24/7 TPE or it can be fun for the weekends or just for a couple of hours. There's no cookie cutter for BDSM.

Also, check out the link Stella_Omega's sig for some nifty info about power exchange or the lack thereof.

EDIT: Man, Stella got first and said everything already.

seela said:

BDSM can be all what you just described here.

Going for the age old metaphor: BDSM is a smörgåsbord and you pick what you want from it and in which ratio. BDSM is a portmanteau for BD - bondage&discipline, DS - dominance&submission and SM - sadism&masochism, so there's a wide range to pick and choose from.

It can be 24/7 TPE or it can be fun for the weekends or just for a couple of hours. There's no cookie cutter for BDSM.

Also, check out the link Stella_Omega's sig for some nifty info about power exchange or the lack thereof.

EDIT: Man, Stella got first and said everything already.

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Jinx, Seela!

Mmm... Smorgasbord...

Thank you both for replying, even though it was a bit of a stupid way to ask such a question. And in answer to Stella's question, I actually would like to know what kind of extremes are typical in a couple's relationship that happens to involve S&M. And also I have no idea how I could ask of something like this to a partner [naivety alert].

PerversionVirgin said:

Mmm... Smorgasbord...

Thank you both for replying, even though it was a bit of a stupid way to ask such a question. And in answer to Stella's question, I actually would like to know what kind of extremes are typical in a couple's relationship that happens to involve S&M. And also I have no idea how I could ask of something like this to a partner [naivety alert].

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I'm thinking that you don't know enough to actually know what you're asking about!

What kind of reading have you done so far?

We can't answer questions about 'extremes' because that's such a vague word. Get more specific--physical? Emotional?

I'll try to answer the best I can, even though I'm not totally sure of the question.

The term "BDSM", to non-lifestylers, often brings up images of elaborate bondage, whipping, maybe even physical hitting, etc.

But it can be so much more or so much less, and still be "bdsm".

My ex was not a Dom by nature, but she indulged my preferences at times. She would pull my hair, bite my neck, whisper dirty words, and twice she spanked me. That's all. And yet it was bdsm, as we defined it.

On the other hand, there are people on this forum that play with hot wax, needles, electric shocks, etc... That's a bit extreme, for me.

BDSM is *a lot* of different things, and there is no "real BDSM".... although there can be "fake Doms" and even "fake subs".

marieR19 said:

BDSM is *a lot* of different things, and there is no "real BDSM".... although there can be "fake Doms" and even "fake subs".

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That's a hilarious statement.

Much like the definition of "slut".

(Slut- any woman who says "no".)

Lancecastor said:

That's a hilarious statement.

Much like the definition of "slut".

(Slut- any woman who says "no".)

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I concur.

You know what MY "real" bdsm relationship looks like?

Everyone else's relationship. Except for the fact that I defer to him in almost everything. Think Leave it to Beaver, Stepford Wife, etc. He's in charge, and I submit to him.

Not all BDSM relationship are "brutal" and "extreme". Some people don't like receiving or inflicting pain. There isn't always "elaborate bondage" and flogging and punching, and it doesn't make my relationship with my husband any less "real" than anyone else's. It simply makes it DIFFERENT. The spectrum of relationships in BDSM are as varied as vanilla relationships.

The thing that many people think they know about BDSM is that somehow, one person is "taking advantage" of another person in the relationship, and it's some sort of abusive, or at the very least, unhealthy, power exchange, where one person has all the say and another person has none. Fortunately, it doesn't work that way, since Kinky folks usually try VERY hard to keep the lines of communication open between partners and make sure that everyone is happy, content, and has consent.

IN short...The "motto" of BDSM is "SSC", or "Safe, Sane, Consensual".

Brutality, pain, bondage...that doesn't happen in every BDSM flavored relationship. And that's okay. The one thing you'd be good to realize is that the only BDSM relationship that's "REAL" is the one between two people who want it to be real.

BDSM is means different things to different people. It is often refered to as "The Lifestyle". For me it is a way to tap into my dark side and allow myself to give complete control over to somebody else. Yes I am a sub and No I am NOT looking for a domme. It also allows me to get frustations out through (often very violent but not nessarasily sexual) roleplay.

I think the question of what BDSM is, is a much more relevant one than the question of what "real" BDSM is.

"Real BDSM" is what you want it to be. "Real" is between the practioners of any given relationship or scenario and this applies to all relationships.

as stated, the only true definition of "real BDSM" is consent- without it, it is abuse.

however, to paint a picture of what one can envision of the myriad of forms this takes, imagine this...

...in a bedroom, a girlfriend is tied up with fuzzy handcuffs and with a plush flogger in her hand, telling her boyfriend "ooh, spank me, then fuck me hard!" after having just read 50 Shades of Gray...

...in a dungeon, a bottom is tied up to a St. Andrew's Cross, while his Top takes her fish griller and puts his junk in it, only to use the griller as target practice with her paddle. the intense sensations he has does not lead to orgasm, but rather, subspace, as an expression of deep peace washes over his face, and pulls out of his bonds from sheer focus and ecstasy...

...at a house party, a Dom has his alpha sub go and serve cookies to the guests, while the beta serves them drinks, and the omega is in the back room servicing his best friend. in the meantime, his wife, a Domme, is in the kitchen with her subs, preparing the last course of the formal dinner...

...in a woodshop in an industrial complex, an Owner works His property for 18 hours a day for an entire week, leaving her to sleep there on the table saw, and before sending her back home, He beats her bottom and boobs black and blue as her reward for doing such a good job, which brings her joy that lasts well into the next month, and a souvenir for all of her hard work...

...at home, in front of a webcam, in the TPE relationship, every movement of the slave is being watched, every decision made for her, every dollar accounted for, permission asked for even the most basic of needs and wants, every moment of sleep or wakefulness noted, every task done with absolute precision, every caning accepted without so much as a flinch, the chaste slave is absolutely and unconditionally obedient to her Master, who rewards her well for her dutifulness, but punishes equally harshly for her failures...

...at a munch, a Leatherman and an Old Guard Master speak about the virtues of various methods of training, a new kajirus rambles on about how excited he is over his newest Gor book, the rope Top is lamenting on how his rig tore a hole in his garage ceiling (much to the amusement of the rest of the group), the TG ponygirl tells the rope Top that she can help fix his garage, the stage Dom is showing off pics of the latest fire whipping demonstration he did, the cam model is starting drama with the swingers, the slave has stopped talking altogether because no one there can appreciate the fact that she is only allowed to speak in the 3rd person, someone in the back of the room just won... a raffle??... and the whipmaker won't shut up about how great the sushi is.

THIS is real BDSM.

it is Bondage... to prevent the movement of the body...
it is Discipline... to prevent the wandering of the mind...
it is Domination... to exert power and control over another...
it is submission... to yield power and control to another...
it is Sadism... to create pain for the sake of experiencing pleasure...
it is Masochism... to experience pain for the sake of experiencing pleasure...

it is a game to many, it is a lifestyle to others, and it is an aspect of life itself to a few. ...never the less, it is all very real.

Lancecastor said:

(Slut- any woman who says "no".)

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or said "yes" to others but not you....

Ravenwind said:

THIS is real BDSM.

it is Bondage... to prevent the movement of the body...
it is Discipline... to prevent the wandering of the mind...
it is Domination... to exert power and control over another...
it is submission... to yield power and control to another...
it is Sadism... to create pain for the sake of experiencing pleasure...
it is Masochism... to experience pain for the sake of experiencing pleasure...

it is a game to many, it is a lifestyle to others, and it is an aspect of life itself to a few. ...never the less, it is all very real.

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well done....

what is bdsm

Hi there,
Forgive for being too lazy to read what every1 else wrote.. But since i was u a few days ago.. Thought i would write something.. More to help myself than u..
I would limit my talk to slave master or dom sub relationship... Well for that matter any relationship between ppl who are not equals in terms of kind of power in the relationship... I say kind of power because a slave is not weak but is mentally stronger than the dom since it takes a lot of power to give yourself away...
Its all a dynamic of power... I give him power to control me and pet me and he empowers by takin care of my needs...
I hope that makes some sense (smiles sheepishly)

Plz feel free to probe me further.

peevespet said:

Hi there,
Forgive for being too lazy to read what every1 else wrote.. But since i was u a few days ago.. Thought i would write something.. More to help myself than u..
I would limit my talk to slave master or dom sub relationship... Well for that matter any relationship between ppl who are not equals in terms of kind of power in the relationship... I say kind of power because a slave is not weak but is mentally stronger than the dom since it takes a lot of power to give yourself away...
Its all a dynamic of power... I give him power to control me and pet me and he empowers by takin care of my needs...
I hope that makes some sense (smiles sheepishly)

Plz feel free to probe me further.

Click to expand...

You should read what very1 else wrote.. Your answer has nothing to do with the question.. You should also read this essay... http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148 because it sounds to me like you are not actually as submissive as you are trying to be...