Bad taste jokes

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised. All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor. Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune. Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression. Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time. Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark) He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have".
 
Q: What does a parent say to Michael Jackson on the beach

A: Keep out of my son
 
Little Johnny hears noises coming from his parents room so he decides to investigate. Upon entering the room he finds that Dad has Mom bent over the bed and is giving it to her hard.

Johnny: "What the fuck?"

Dad: "Run along now, little Johnny, Daddy's got this under control"

Well, little Johnny is pissed and slams the door on his way out. When Dad has finished defiling Mom, he zips up and heads out to the fridge to grab a beer when he hears strange noises coming from little Johnny's room. As he opens the door he sees that little Johnny has Grandma bent over the bed and is plowing her as hard as he can.

Dad: "What the fuck?"

Little Johnny turns around to face Dad and says......

"Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
 
Little Johnny hears noises coming from his parents room so he decides to investigate. Upon entering the room he finds that Dad has Mom bent over the bed and is giving it to her hard.

Johnny: "What the fuck?"

Dad: "Run along now, little Johnny, Daddy's got this under control"

Well, little Johnny is pissed and slams the door on his way out. When Dad has finished defiling Mom, he zips up and heads out to the fridge to grab a beer when he hears strange noises coming from little Johnny's room. As he opens the door he sees that little Johnny has Grandma bent over the bed and is plowing her as hard as he can.

Dad: "What the fuck?"

Little Johnny turns around to face Dad and says......

"Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Holy shit! We hop...er, I mean, we thought you were dead!
 
Alive and kicking. I'm coaching jr's baseball team and I'm this close >< to beating some of the parents. :D

He's old enough to play baseball now? Fuck.

And if you get into a fight in the dugout, I want video. Tell the bean I said so.
 
He's old enough to play baseball now? Fuck.

And if you get into a fight in the dugout, I want video. Tell the bean I said so.
Yesterday's game was cancelled due to lightning and one of the genius parents said we should play anyways. I tried my best to explain to her that kids standing in lightning with aluminium bats is NOT a good idea. :rolleyes:
 
Yesterday's game was cancelled due to lightning and one of the genius parents said we should play anyways. I tried my best to explain to her that kids standing in lightning with aluminium bats is NOT a good idea. :rolleyes:

You moved to America? :confused:
 
Fisting for Beginners

Not a joke, exactly, but funny as hell (to me, at least):

Dear Alice,

I have a question. My friends often make jokes about something called "fisting." I feel really left out when they joke about it, so could you please tell me what fisting is?! Thanks a lot.

Just wondering



Dear Just wondering,

It's understandable that you may not be up to speed on fisting. Chances are, most parents and health teachers don't cover this technique during the "birds and bees" talk. For now, let's excuse them, considering birds and bees don't have fists.

Also called handballing, fisting is when a person puts his/her entire hand into another's anus or vagina. For those who enjoy fisting, it can be a highly intense and pleasurable feeling for both the receiving and giving partner. While many enjoy the sensations, it is important to understand there can be risks involved. Fisting can create intense pleasure, but it can also cause pain and tissue damage. It is a sexual behavior that requires trust, communication, preparation, relaxation, patience, and lots of lube.

Spontaneity can be great, but take time to do your homework before getting your fist wet. For safety's sake, fingernails on the hand that's going in should be as short and smooth as possible. Carefully trim and file fingernails to remove any rough spots or hang nails. Next, gather safer sex materials including a few pairs of latex gloves and ample lube. Like condoms or dental dams, latex gloves act as a barrier against transmission of any sexually transmitted infections, and as a bonus the latex makes entry smoother. For vaginal fisting, water-based lube is a good choice since it is generally non-irritating; silicone lube is also a good choice. For anal play, you may want to use an oil-, water-, or silicone-based lube for long-lasting lubrication. Oil-based lubes do have the disadvantage of breaking down latex, but latex gloves tend to be thicker than condoms and should hold up all right. For more information about lube varieties, check out What is lube? in the Go Ask Alice! archive and the other Related Q&As below.

Beforehand, a lengthy session of foreplay can help to loosen up. Apply plenty of lube to the fisting hand, completely coating the flat parts of the hand as well as the fingers and thumb. When the receiving partner feels ready, begin by s-l-o-w-l-y inserting the fingers, one at a time, into the vagina or anus. As you gradually reach further in, the fingers will curl over the thumb to make a fist. Make sure to keep the lines of communication open and check in frequently with your partner about how he or she feels. The receiving partner may want to call the shots, and he or she has the right to call it quits at any time. Once your hand is inside, try gently clenching and releasing the fist as if squeezing a stress ball to "fill up" your partner. Again, the key is to go slow and talk about how things feel. Due to pressure of the vaginal wall or anus, the fisting partner may feel like their hand is being squeezed uncomfortably. If this happens, be careful not to jerk out your hand suddenly, which may hurt your partner. Talk with each other when you are ready to pull out, and then gently uncurl your fist while sliding your hand out.

With patience and practice, fisting can be an incredibly fulfilling experience, but there are dangers. If the receiving partner has any pain, fever, or bleeding after fisting seek medical care right away. These symptoms may indicate a tear in the vagina or rectum so it's important to get to an medical attention quickly.

For more information on fisting, check out A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington and Men Like Us: The GMHC Complete Guide to Gay Men's Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Well Being by Daniel Wolfe. These books are good resources for anyone who's interested in making a foray into fisting, or folks who just want to be "in the know" like yourself.


Gotta love Columbia University. Can imagine majoring in fisting. Yeah, well, okay.

Source:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1429.html
 
Two men sitting on the bank of a river fishing.

First man eventually breaks the silence and asks the second man if he wants to share some wedding cake.

'Great' says second man, 'I love wedding cake, who got married ?'

'I did, today'

'What, you got married today and your fishing!' Shouldn't you be y'know umm doing stuff with your bride?'

'Nope, she is a bit mangy down below, she has an infection'

'Oh, well umm, it is your wedding you could umm err do it in her mouth'

'Nope, she has these huge mouth ulcers that weep and look green and yellow'

The second is slightly appalled but persists with the line of comments.

'You could use the back door, you are married to her, I am sure its ok to do that'

'Nope' said the first man again 'She is ulcerated, crawling with slime and its really really nasty there'

The second man fell silent for a few minutes and then spoke up

'Can I ask, why you married her if everything is non-usable'

The first man pulled the fishing line out the water and there was the biggest trout fish you have ever seen.

He stared at the fish and then at the second man, before saying

'Great maggots'
 
Two men sitting on the bank of a river fishing.

First man eventually breaks the silence and asks the second man if he wants to share some wedding cake.

'Great' says second man, 'I love wedding cake, who got married ?'

'I did, today'

'What, you got married today and your fishing!' Shouldn't you be y'know umm doing stuff with your bride?'

'Nope, she is a bit mangy down below, she has an infection'

'Oh, well umm, it is your wedding you could umm err do it in her mouth'

'Nope, she has these huge mouth ulcers that weep and look green and yellow'

The second is slightly appalled but persists with the line of comments.

'You could use the back door, you are married to her, I am sure its ok to do that'

'Nope' said the first man again 'She is ulcerated, crawling with slime and its really really nasty there'

The second man fell silent for a few minutes and then spoke up

'Can I ask, why you married her if everything is non-usable'

The first man pulled the fishing line out the water and there was the biggest trout fish you have ever seen.

He stared at the fish and then at the second man, before saying

'Great maggots'

YAY !!!!

I love it.

 
Irish priest drives down a country road,
sees a little boy, pulls up and winds down the window
'Hi there laddy, I'll give you a sweet if you come in my car'
The boy looks and says
'You give me the bag and I'll come in your mouth'


LOL

Very good.
 
A guy goes to the whorehouse and asks the Madam, "How much for your hottest chick?"

The Madam says, "$500."

The guy says, "Damn! I've only got $50!"

The Madam says, "We've got something for that price range. Pay me and go down the hall to Room 7."

Ten minutes later the guy rushes out of Room 7, collars the bouncer, and says, "Call 911, man! There's something wrong with that girl in there! First she's just lying there like she's drugged, and then when we get going she starts thrashing around and foaming at the mouth!"

The bouncer yells at the Madam, "Hey, Adelaide, the dead one's full again!"
 
A guy goes to the whorehouse and asks the Madam, "How much for your hottest chick?"

The Madam says, "$500."

The guy says, "Damn! I've only got $50!"

The Madam says, "We've got something for that price range. Pay me and go down the hall to Room 7."

Ten minutes later the guy rushes out of Room 7, collars the bouncer, and says, "Call 911, man! There's something wrong with that girl in there! First she's just lying there like she's drugged, and then when we get going she starts thrashing around and foaming at the mouth!"

The bouncer yells at the Madam, "Hey, Adelaide, the dead one's full again!"

It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.

She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"
 
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
 
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"
 
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doctor?
"Am I going to have puppies?"
 
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