Time to say hello

Hi, my name is saphicsub. Im a 40 something previously identified bi but mainly lesbian female from the UK.

In the past 6 days something totally amazing has happened and I goog led this subject with as many words as i could think of to find some advice, comfort and conformation about who i am, what makes me tick and how to get my head round the whole subject of domination from a submissive viewpoint.

I have an online friend, -jane. We had a catch up chat last week and she told me about her new GF/Mistress. I know that shes always been a sub but never realy understood the dynamics of what that meant. Im certainly not naieve about BDSM, swinging, and other non nilla aspects of the human sex life but ive realy not thought about it in detail untill janes explaination.

She gave me some graphic details about her relationship and what it entails. I have to say that it gave me butterflies, dizziness and wetness just reading what she wrote.
She asked for my reaction to it and i admitted that i was very turned on.
I knew i would be as ive participated in a few "kinks" with an ex GF and during times when ive been single ive done things to myself too. I could never discuss them with others as ive got a huge guilt trip over it and whilst i know im not the only person in the world whos done similar things, im too ashamed to identify and label and admit my disgusting perferences. I enjoyed the role play games with my ex, we also experimented with mild pain and humiliation and i have to say i was extreemly thrilled and turned on by it except for the shame and guilt due to having been shamed, humiliated and physically and mentally abused by my step dad.

Jane suggested that im a submissive and said her mistress has a friend who could chat to me if i wished. Im curious, so Jane introduced us online.
She is Miss Marilyn, and from the first moment of her questioning me about my life etc ive been captivated. So far this week we have chatted twice, about 3 hours worth, during which time shes told me what she diagnoses me as and what she would like to do about it. Shes a very attractive woman of 50, financially very secure and has trained 4 female subs over the past 25 years. Shes been single for ages and is now looking for someone who will be in a D/s relationship for the rest of her life with.
Im a singleton and have been looking for the same for 5 years too. We have swapped pix and the attraction is mutual. All that remains is the D/s aspect.

She laid it out in no uncertain terms to me and thats what has lead me to search resources to find out what this lifestyle is all about.
Miss M wishes to own me, to train me to serve her, to be her live in, 24/7 sub, lesbian lover, to pierce me, to show me off to her friends at parties etc.

These past 6 days, ive read so many of your postings, ive been manically obsessed with wanting to learn all i can and i feel that I almost know many of you already.

5 days ago, as Miss M was laying down her demands, i was seriously questioning if i could commit to this as a whole as its a package deal, not a pick and mix, custom made game. I want to enter into this as i beleive what Miss M and Jane have said about it being a fantastic voyage of discovery, but ive also had reservations and some hard and soft limits to consider.

My hard limits will not change and reading your osts has helped confirm that im not the only person who wont budge on issues such as blood, scat, kids, etc.
As for the soft limits, your posts have also made me realise from my nilla point of view this isnt about beating, tourture, heartless humilliation etc, it is an exchange of love and power between two people and thats helped me decide what i want to do next.

I explained to Miss M that i have reservations, - limits, and she asked for a few examples. She assures me she would never disrespect me in public, she would care for me, keep me, cherish me etc.

Jeeez, my tummy and head are spinning, .............she wants to visit my city this weekend so we can have dinner and interview eachother in person.
Shes already dishing out the orders by telling me what im going to wear and whilst 4 days ago, i was still thinking of excuses why i couldnt, im now preparing for our meeting. Ive already shaved and will be going to buy the clothes shes requested i wear.

Reading your posts has helped mentally prepare me and show me that what ive always considered to be disgusting kinks seem to be realy rather mainstream in a non nilla community. I know i will still feel embarrasment and humilliation when we start our journey together but if shes as loving and caring as i hop she will be, it will help me to work through the historical issues i have with many of the things i wish to encounter.

I only hope shes as responsible, thoughtful, understanding, loving, caring as many of you Dom/mes are.
If shes not, how do i spot the signs? How do i get over the dissapointment?

I think ive rambed enough for now, .....ive got so many questions to ask but will think carefully how to word them to save time

Its nice to meet you all

SS xxx

saphicsub said:

She gave me some graphic details about her relationship and what it entails. I have to say that it gave me butterflies, dizziness and wetness just reading what she wrote.
She asked for my reaction to it and i admitted that i was very turned on.

Jane suggested that im a submissive

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I think you just need to get laid again. Good luck.

Well, that's putting it all out there.

Welcome aboard. DOn't mind the Asshole Wagon, he's funny once you get used to him.

Hi Rosco, thanks for that, as i said, ive already got to know what its like here so no surprises.

Primalex, ...........none taken

Have you read up on sub frenzy?

I think it's great that you may have found someone to explore with, but I also think you're right to watch for warning signs and be very careful.

Like you said, this is still very new and you're still wrapping your head around it. In my experience, it's important to move slow enough and figure enough out on your own before entering relationships.

I'd think that this Domme would want you to go at a pace that allows you to process thoroughly and make really good decisions for YOU. If she's pushing, trying to move things along quickly or seeking a commitment (more than talking, meeting in public, going on dates, etc.) very soon, that could be a warning sign that she may not be looking out for your best interests. As responsible Dominants, it's our job to ensure our (potential) subs are healthy, safe and reaching their full potential, even if that means not having a more intense relationship with them or getting what we want because they are simply not ready or in a place where that type of relationship would be in their best interest.

If you don't push your hopes too high or beyond where your relationship truly is, you probably won't be absolutely crushed if it doesn't work out. Personally, I set really low expectations for new people/relationships. Then, if it works out, great, but if it doesn't, I just review what I've learned from the experience and move on. I don't make commitments before the time and history are there, nor do I create grand fantasies of what could be. Doing otherwise would be a recipe for great disappointment and grieving the loss of something that was never there to begin with.

So, I'd say keep researching and thinking, then take any relationship with this woman (or others) very, very slow. Communicate your need to take it slow since this is all very new and you're still learning and not make a commitment to anything more than getting to know each other (and perhaps trying some things out, to see what your likes, needs and current limits are) in a clear, respectful way. It's not a test, but her reaction to that will probably tell you a lot. Slow your head down, too, and try not to look far beyond where you really are at any given time.

Apart from getting in a bad situation, moving too quickly is risky because it can allow a relationship to be created on shaky ground. IF this particular woman just happens to be a great match for you in reality, surely you don't want to risk the destruction of your relationship by moving too fast and not taking the time to figure out what you really want and need. Keep it slow and steady so you can see the reality and be your best submissive self for YOU and whichever Dominant you're with.

I hope that makes some sort of sense (I feel all discombobulated tonight! ) and helps. Best of luck on your journey!

Actually, now i googled it again and was a little luckier. Will develop patience... Anyway if anyone has something really good on this topic, i'm still very interested.

Do you think it makes sense to make a lifelong commitment to someone before ever meeting?

intothewoods said:

Do you think it makes sense to make a lifelong commitment to someone before ever meeting?

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Party pooper

Here are some of the links I know of.
"Sub frenzy" and similar stuff
Submissive Frenzy
am I SUPPOSED to feel like this???

I would read up on this too. It can go hand in hand with the frenzy.
Sub Drop?

Primalex said:

Party pooper

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I would never poop on your party. I only poop on people I really like.

madetotakeit said:

Here are some of the links I know of.
"Sub frenzy" and similar stuff
Submissive Frenzy
am I SUPPOSED to feel like this???

I would read up on this too. It can go hand in hand with the frenzy.
Sub Drop?

Click to expand...

Thankyou! Just what i was looking for!

rinka said:

Thankyou! Just what i was looking for!

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You're welcome. Someone was nice enough to give me some links on the topic when I first came here. Glad I can pass the favor.

Good afternoon, saphic.

Some bits of advice from a long time realtime BDSM community member.

#1 - Never take anyone you contact over the internet at face value. NEVER. Not even me. Anyone can pretend to be anything over the internet. Don't believe a word of what they tell you until you spend some time and energy and effort (and maybe even a bit of money) doing some background research on them. Ask for and GET references and CHECK THEM. Especially if they claim to have been involved in this lifestyle for any length of time. Someone, somewhere will know them. She's trained up 4 submissives? Get their names and contact information and see what they have to say. If Mistress won't fork over the info, say sayonara.

#2 - Meet before you make any decisions. Preferably on neutral ground, not her place or yours. Set up safecalls or have someone you trust follow and sit at a discrete distance where they can watch without intruding, but intervene if things go south.

#3 - Meet some more. Especially if you are going to have to relocate. You want to make bloody damned sure you and she are compatible in your vanilla, non-kinky interests. You had better have interests you share in common or you will find yourself drifting apart after the initial kinky euphoria and chemistry wears off. There is nothing worse than waking up 6 - 8 months down the road, halfway across the country from family and friends and a career you loved, to realize you are NOT where you need to be.

#4 - Time is not the enemy, it is your best friend. Take time to build a real relationship, not just react with a lustful reaction powered by loin longing. If this is going to be real, take your time. If she's hot for you now and you are hot for her now, that's fine, continue to pursue the relationship. But take your time. Someone in a hurry has an agenda and that agenda might not be in your best interest.

Am I saying she's NOT real? Not at all. Am I preaching caution? abso-fraggin-lutely. Keep your eyes and ears open, look for consistancy of thought and word and deeds. See how she treats others around her, friends, family, waitstaff, clerks... Does she treat them with respect and courtesy? or dismissively and with anger or haughtiness? You can't get that over the internet. You get it with face-to-face time. Do not unleash your heart here, until you verify, verify, verify that she is who and what she claims to be.

Safe journeys, wherever your path may lead.

note to saphic

your posting was quite expressive and comprehensive.

Shes already dishing out the orders by telling me what im going to wear and whilst 4 days ago, i was still thinking of excuses why i couldnt, im now preparing for our meeting. Ive already shaved and will be going to buy the clothes shes requested i wear.

i have some qualms as geoff does; he makes good points; but let's consider the above, in particular. i'm uneasy about a prospective dom/me issuing orders early on.

when i first encountered my present owner, she did give directions *within encounters*. but she issued no orders about my becoming hers. i think the strongest connections take time. i'm glad there was no time pressure. AND i'm glad that i, so to say, "applied", i.e. asked to serve as pet. at that point it's the master's decision to accept, and she even can ask the 'applicant' to wait while being considered. that makes the bond greater--able to endure for years--, and gives it the proper character, one acknowledging where the power resides.