Anally raped to within a nanometre of my worthless little life.

I like this post, and understand the op's need to share. I had a similar experience a couple of weeks ago.

When I say similar I mean a session of really hard, dry ass fucking. I never used to like anal of any kind. Now I have a new PYL who was very careful the first few times.

Then he pulled this on me from nowhere. I have to say at first I had tears in my eyes, was in complete shock & the pain was almost unbearable. I was at the point of safewording when I detached from the pain, I think mainly by concentrating on something really hot from the night before.

I actually ended up coming when he did. I was in shock for days after and couldn't understand how that had happened?

Now I'm just getting over it he's due to come stay a few nights...eeek!

VelvetDarkness said:

I'm very sorry to hear that Rebecca. I'm also sorry if it reads like i'm whining and worrying about nothing. It is not my intention to trivialize the trauma of rape in any way. It was just a thought that I posted a little way back to see what people's responses were and to better understand my own.

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I don't think someone here really thinks you made this thread to say "how great rape can be". You had this kind of experience and shared it with the rest of us and its cool. I think lots of subs like rape fantasy or rape roleplay or I dunno how to call it. I like it myself as well. Being raped is one of things that just gets me HOT, in my mind. But I am not saying a real "rape" is a good experience!! It must be trerible expecerince irl, something I cannot imagine really and I am sad Rebecca knows it from the firsthand as she said.

People are freaks, especialy kinky people. They get hot on many possible things, dream of many possible things. You shared your exeprience and that you spoke about rape play with your PYL before it happened. I appreciate you for being honest about your intime sexual dreams, not everyone is so sharing and I really think theres alot of people who think "rape" fantasy is HOT. I can read about someone being raped I feel sorry for them, but uhmm deep inside I still long for it. Not the real rape, omg no!! The roleplay rape with my Sir. He knows I want it. If we ever meet I am sure it would be the first thing I would get lol, we both find it exciting and I am not shy for it.

I understand what you saying and I understand what JMohegan or Rebecca sayin about it as well. The rape we dream about in our head and the real rape are 2 very different things IMO. I am still okay with you calling your experience rape tho. Its the way you felt, even if it was your own PYL who did this to you and with you. It was just a game or a play cuz you know each other and he surely loves you and wouldn't hurt you for real, but I would still call it rape as well yes. The kind of rape you spoke about with you Sir. Dream you have confess to him. He made the dream come true and I am glad you enjoyed it. I am glad both of you enjoyed it. *smiles*


~Kate

VelvetDarkness said:

That is true and indeed a valid point. Master and I do have a great deal of trust, in ourselves as much as in each other. I suppose this thread twist is partly born of my desire to feel that I trust my feeling on this as much as he trusts them. I have been a little ambivalent about it all today. I really enjoyed my experience but I can't seem to let it be. I have this perverse desire to rationalise things.

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One of the best things about this forum is you can think out loud so to speak to help you reach something definitive which works for you. Thinking inside your head is fine, but sometimes the minute you share it with another in written or verbal form, everything appears a lot clearer and you wonder why you couldn't see xyz before...it is like magic.

Catalina

VelvetDarkness said:

I agree that stranger rape is not on the same page, I just wonder what my primal, physical response would be as opposed to that of a woman who was not into kink. Violent violation is closer to my normal spectrum of play than to that of most people and I wonder whether I should be concerned about that. I accept I'm probably over-reacting, it's just all quite new for me.

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I don't think you are overreacting, Velvet. It seems to me that you are having a perfectly normal reaction to a very intense experience.

Lots of people employ hyperbolic language in the bedroom. For example: guy calls his partner a filthy slut, when in reality she is neither. Referring to consensual, violent partner-sex as rape is hyperbolic in the same way.

I don't have a problem with hyperbole in the bedroom if it helps get people off, but if the language is actually detracting from the total experience (i.e., the before, during, and after), then I'm gonna suggest something different.

VelvetDarkness said:

I didn't really intend for this to be a discussion about rape. My feelings about rape are black and white. It's my growing desensitization and need for pain and humiliation that I'm worried about.

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Okay. So he ravaged your backside last night, and you're worried about where all this is leading. Fair enough.

Netzach's "I'm not here to feed the thrill ride addiction" M.O. sounds sensible to me. Have you discussed these concerns with your Master?

VelvetDarkness said:

I'm very sorry to hear that Rebecca.

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No need, it was a reasonable time ago, though thank you just the same. Barely ever registers any more. The literal ( criminal ) expression of rape as opposed to the expression you conveyed Velvet are well removed from any commonality outside of the use of the word itself. I do prefer 'consensual non consent' but it all takes on a PC Circus type feel after awhile that even has me reeling to some degree. Seriously reflected it the mood I find myself in and to whom I am discussing it with. In my case it takes someone who knows me extremely well before I am comfortable using loaded language.

The main reason I felt it was pertinent to comment initially, is because for several years after the fact I had to do a double take at my own core drives and remind myself in same. Chalk and cheese.

VelvetDarkness said:

I'm also sorry if it reads like i'm whining and worrying about nothing. It is not my intention to trivialize the trauma of rape in any way. It was just a thought that I posted a little way back to see what people's responses were and to better understand my own.

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I never felt your post implied that. You also have my apologies, I had things crop up here suddenly I needed to attend to, I would have preferred to qualify my comments further, much sooner than now.

my curiosity here.. and maybe this has been addressed already, was at that point, would he have stopped if you safe-worded?

malinborn said:

my curiosity here.. and maybe this has been addressed already, was at that point, would he have stopped if you safe-worded?

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I think she can just trust him on this one.

Malinborn - This is from post 27:

VelvetDarkness said:

We talked it out this morning. I was slightly worried that he might regret aspects of what he did because he has got sheepish and concerned for me after intense scenes before but everything was fine. He knew I had my safeword and knew I was with it enough to use it as I hadn't been drinking. A couple of times during he was almost daring me to. He really got off on the fact that I had the option to stop proceedings and chose not to. I think that's a another reason we haven't ditched safewords, he likes knowing that my consent is implicit, rather than take away the option of withdrawing it and do what he likes.

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@}-}rebecca---- said:

The main reason I felt it was pertinent to comment initially, is because for several years after the fact I had to do a double take at my own core drives and remind myself in same. Chalk and cheese.

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That's reassuring to hear.

@}-}rebecca---- said:

I never felt your post implied that. You also have my apologies, I had things crop up here suddenly I needed to attend to, I would have preferred to qualify my comments further, much sooner than now.

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That's no problem at all. I wasn't really prepared for people to come and say that they have been victims of rape although that was shortsighted of me. Puts my own rambling worryings into perspective anyway.

JMohegan said:

I don't think you are overreacting, Velvet. It seems to me that you are having a perfectly normal reaction to a very intense experience.

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Yes, I feel that too. Now that I have a little distance from that night I can see it more clearly for what it was, than for what it most definitely wasn't, as you clarified before.

JMohegan said:

Lots of people employ hyperbolic language in the bedroom. For example: guy calls his partner a filthy slut, when in reality she is neither. Referring to consensual, violent partner-sex as rape is hyperbolic in the same way.

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I understand that and obviously I didn't believe that I was being 'raped' in a literal sense, anymore than I believe myself to be a worthless little slut. It does add to the mindfuck of it all for me though. To be used as though the hyperbolic language were true. The fact that I get off on the fantasy that it's 'true' is perhaps a little worrying. If someone else were to throw the same language at me and take from me in the same way I sincerely hope that the same buttons wouldn't ever get pushed. It's all hypothetical though.

JMohegan said:

Okay. So he ravaged your backside last night, and you're worried about where all this is leading. Fair enough.

Netzach's "I'm not here to feed the thrill ride addiction" M.O. sounds sensible to me. Have you discussed these concerns with your Master?

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I have discussed everything with him and he does understand how I'm feeling. He is as inexperienced as I am at dealing with the emotional fallout of intense scening though as we've only stepped up our play really in the last few months that we've lived together. I was his first sub and am now his first TPE slave so while I value his input, I don't go to Master expecting the voice of experience.

Okay, that was HOT.

Netzach said:

Are we honestly positing that if you are a heavy SM bottom who likes rape play it's going to somehow make stranger rape less traumatic if that happens to you?

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No idea what _we_ do.

_I_ asked, if she would enjoy being raped by a stranger, where the harm would be? As you see, this sentence contains a prerequisite. I also asked, what her concern is about enjoying _rape play_. Because if she enjoys rape play, she is never in a _worse_ situation than a "normal" woman, she _could_ (not _is_) be in a better situation. So unless she is worried that she will attract strangers to rape her, I fail to see the concern she is having (except the moral issue).

Primalex said:

No idea what _we_ do.

_I_ asked, if she would enjoy being raped by a stranger, where the harm would be? As you see, this sentence contains a prerequisite. I also asked, what her concern is about enjoying _rape play_. Because if she enjoys rape play, she is never in a _worse_ situation than a "normal" woman, she _could_ (not _is_) be in a better situation. So unless she is worried that she will attract strangers to rape her, I fail to see the concern she is having (except the moral issue).

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That's like saying someone who likes spanking in bed will handle it better if they are beaten up with a baseball bat about the head.

VelvetDarkness said:

I understand that and obviously I didn't believe that I was being 'raped' in a literal sense, anymore than I believe myself to be a worthless little slut. It does add to the mindfuck of it all for me though. To be used as though the hyperbolic language were true. The fact that I get off on the fantasy that it's 'true' is perhaps a little worrying. If someone else were to throw the same language at me and take from me in the same way I sincerely hope that the same buttons wouldn't ever get pushed. It's all hypothetical though.

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There *is* a certain amount of fuckedupedness to a lot of the things that we do. I see value in honestly acknowledging that fact, and also in harnessing that fuckedupedness for erotic purposes.

But I also know that it can sometimes be difficult to strike a healthy mental balance between acknowledging and harnessing fuckedupedness on the one hand, and dealing with confusion, worry, and guilt on the other.

In post 29, you wrote: "If a man I truly had no sexual interest in took me with the same force, could I honestly say I would get no pleasure from it? At all? Given how much pain and humiliation arouse me? These are the kind of thoughts that have kept me up at night on a few occasions and after last night they cause me real concern."

The fact that this is keeping you up at night and causing you "real concern" is perfectly normal, understandable, natural, and a very common problem that many kinky people face.

I come at this from the other side of the coin, which means I spent a fair amount of time torturing myself with the thought: Oh my god, I'm no better than a rapist. Tremendously hot though rough partner-sex scenes may be, I know that the guilt can eat you alive from the inside out if you don't find a way to put it in perspective.

The only way I know to put it in perspective is to listen, really *listen* to people like Rebecca, who have the courage and compassion to stand up and say: It's not the same thing as stranger rape. Not even close. Then look at the joy experienced by both people in your relationship, joy produced as a direct consequence of both physical and non-physical elements of the relationship itself, and you'll be well on your way to achieving a more balanced view.

VelvetDarkness said:

I have discussed everything with him and he does understand how I'm feeling. He is as inexperienced as I am at dealing with the emotional fallout of intense scening though as we've only stepped up our play really in the last few months that we've lived together. I was his first sub and am now his first TPE slave so while I value his input, I don't go to Master expecting the voice of experience.

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I would encourage him to talk to other guys who have been there.

One thing to consider, Velvet, is the possibility that he feels torn between the desire to be compassionate in response to your concerns or needs, and the desire to be the badass, take-no-prisoners guy who gets you off. Figuring out how to do each, without compromising the other, can be tricky for some guys, especially in the nascent period of their kinky lives.

*stalking JM and professing my undieing wub cause I think I've missed a few months*

Some times I wonder if I'm seriously fucked up because I don't wonder if I'm fucked up for enjoying the things I do. Maybe it was the way all of this was introduced to me. I was introduced in a very loving, compationate way by people who have lived a kinky life most of their lives. There was never the issue of "this is wrong", even when I was open about it with my mother. She didn't like it, but she never made me feel like anything that truely made me happy was fucked up in any way.

I'm just a very lucky girl I guess. And I dearly apriciate those people who adopted me early on.

Netzach said:

That's like saying someone who likes spanking in bed will handle it better if they are beaten up with a baseball bat about the head.

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Well, after your first posting I thought you just misunderstood me, but now I get the impression you don't read what I write on purpose so you have a reason to bitch.

Primalex said:

Well, after your first posting I thought you just misunderstood me, but now I get the impression you don't read what I write on purpose so you have a reason to bitch.

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No, I read it closely in hopes it might be less absurd than it seemed on first blush. I have high hopes.

I'm so sorry. That's like asking if she likes spanking because she "may be in a better situation than someone who doesn't" if someone should happen to beat her over the head. Not like what I posted before, my bad.

Primalex said:

Well, after your first posting I thought you just misunderstood me, but now I get the impression you don't read what I write on purpose so you have a reason to bitch.

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I was thinking what Netz said as well. Sorry.

I've done that. It's probably the most painful thing I've ever done to another person, so much so that I wasn't really comfortable, thinking back on it. At the time it was hot.

Question:

how do you keep really really painful things from happening to your cock? I'd think a minimal spitlube might be a self-serving measure, no?

Netzach said:

No, I read it closely in hopes it might be less absurd than it seemed on first blush.

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Well, I guess there are women who consider logical thinking as absurd.

That's like asking if she likes spanking because she "may be in a better situation than someone who doesn't" if someone should happen to beat her over the head.

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Not even close. It is:
If you like being hit by a baseball bat, then a woman, who does not like being hit by a baseball bat, is for sure not in a better situation than you. This sentence does not imply that you like being hit by a stranger, it does not imply that you should like it, it does not imply that you will feel less pain, it does not imply anything. All it does is state the logical fact, that you will not be in a worse situation than you would be, if you wouldn't like being hit by a baseball bat.

Most likely the above paragraph is too complicated, too. So I guess I give up here.

the captians wench said:

*stalking JM and professing my undieing wub cause I think I've missed a few months*

Some times I wonder if I'm seriously fucked up because I don't wonder if I'm fucked up for enjoying the things I do. Maybe it was the way all of this was introduced to me. I was introduced in a very loving, compationate way by people who have lived a kinky life most of their lives. There was never the issue of "this is wrong", even when I was open about it with my mother. She didn't like it, but she never made me feel like anything that truely made me happy was fucked up in any way.

I'm just a very lucky girl I guess. And I dearly apriciate those people who adopted me early on.

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Wub you right back, Wench.

My observation is that two things have the biggest impact on the guilt/confusion hurdle that kinksters may (or may not) have to overcome.

The first is, as you say, early exposure to others who have lived happy, kinky lives and still come across as decent, reasonably well-adjusted citizens. The second is the level of kink experienced or enjoyed.

Primalex said:

Well, I guess there are women who consider logical thinking as absurd.



Not even close. It is:
If you like being hit by a baseball bat, then a woman, who does not like being hit by a baseball bat, is for sure not in a better situation than you. This sentence does not imply that you like being hit by a stranger, it does not imply that you should like it, it does not imply that you will feel less pain, it does not imply anything. All it does is state the logical fact, that you will not be in a worse situation than you would be, if you wouldn't like being hit by a baseball bat.

Most likely the above paragraph is too complicated, too. So I guess I give up here.

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Okay, first off, WOW are we a bit defencive.

Second, I think I understand and might beable to help make it sound a bit more clear.

Because this is done with in a consitual atmosphere, she is in no real danger and there for it does not compair to if she were in real danger. The thoughts and feelings of what she feels with in the consitual situation can not possibly be compaired to those of a non consitual situation...

ie, don't worry about it chick-a-dee

close? or did I miss the boat too

Netzach said:

Question:

how do you keep really really painful things from happening to your cock? I'd think a minimal spitlube might be a self-serving measure, no?

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I've tried dry anal, but hate it for just this reason.

Primalex said:

Well, I guess there are women who consider logical thinking as absurd.

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Funny, I thought comparing apples to oranges endlessly anyway in spite of the pointlessness was kind of a "girl thing" myself.

"All it does is state the logical fact, that you will not be in a worse situation than you would be, if you wouldn't like being hit by a baseball bat."

This provokes a giant "so what does that have to do with jack?" Rooted in a fair amount of logic. But hey, make pointless analogies, go on...