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So, this thread is about the stories on my head. I like to write stories about women who are virgins, girls, wives, whores, all in one.

I think that most of my protagonists are outsiders, seeking a place of their own without settling as one of the herd. Women a bit like me.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy them. I will post here when new ones appear.

Tell me what you think!

Maharat
 
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A Royal Sacrifice

My latest offering is the eighth chapter of "A Royal Sacrifice", a chain story by RedHairedAndFriendly.

Just my kind of story, with a Queen, noble nights, and one bad ass evil wizard.

I am very happy to be part of this chain!

Maharat
 
Out There and Again

I just hit the submit key on the first two chapters of "Out There and Again", the sequel to "Out There and Beyond" and "Back Here and Clueless".

We finally get to know what happened to Syrah and her child.

Expect it around this time next week.

I hope you like it. Please tell me if you do.

Maharat
 
Out There and Again has just posted

If you get the chance to read it, tell me what you think!

Out There and Again
Maharat
 
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Ars

The newest installment on the Chain Story "A Royal Sacrifice" is by me.

Chapter 13

It is a Medieval fairy tale with a sexy twist.

I hope you like it,

Maharat
 
I very much liked...

...the Arab Israeli affair...both characters were VERY non-stereotypical and likable. A very sweet account. I'd challenge you to think why a virgin would give herself to a stranger...I wasn't completely convinced...but I wasn't put off by a lack of credibility either.

I'd also challenge you to write the piece in third person and try to capture the perspective of both parties, either this piece or another.

Thanks for the read!

:rose:
 
Out There and Again...

I liked Out There and Again, though it's not a category I tend to gravitate towards. I haven't read the first two installments, but your preamble set the context just fine. Overall, it seems much more subtle than others in this category I've read and not liked much at all...with a bit more gray area. Syrah is an interesting character, and I'd like to see push her limits of manipulation despite her position. I like to see the way she tests her boundaries. That to me is the most intruiging part of the story.

Again, not having read the first two, I didn't see the alien angle as even necessary. It might well have been set in a different county with the nurses speaking broken English.

Nice mix of dialogue that kept things moving for me. An easy, entertaining read. Maybe I'm getting a bit jaded, as I didn't find it very disturbing, then again, I can't relate to having breast pumps attached to my nipples ;)

It wasn't hard, hard core, which made it a good story.
 
:)

ninefe2dg said:
...the Arab Israeli affair...both characters were VERY non-stereotypical and likable. A very sweet account. I'd challenge you to think why a virgin would give herself to a stranger...I wasn't completely convinced...but I wasn't put off by a lack of credibility either.

I'd also challenge you to write the piece in third person and try to capture the perspective of both parties, either this piece or another.

Thanks for the read!

:rose:
Click to expand...

Thanks.

I tried to keep to a golden rule when appraching difficult subjects: stick to what you know.

I guess that the heroine of this story was in a pretty depressed mood the day she met her knight in shining armor. It was something of a - my life is over, I just don't care anymore - kind of attitude. So she took a risk. A very big risk, I might add.

I have plans for this one, maybe turning it on a short novel. If it does, it will probably be third person. I might post a new entry to this story at the next Valentine's day contest.

Thanks for reading!

Maharat
 
Out there

ninefe2dg said:
I liked Out There and Again, though it's not a category I tend to gravitate towards. I haven't read the first two installments, but your preamble set the context just fine. Overall, it seems much more subtle than others in this category I've read and not liked much at all...with a bit more gray area. Syrah is an interesting character, and I'd like to see push her limits of manipulation despite her position. I like to see the way she tests her boundaries. That to me is the most intruiging part of the story.

<snip>

It wasn't hard, hard core, which made it a good story.
Click to expand...

This was one of the hardest prices to write, because I am myself pushing the limits I am comfortable with. The next installment of this story, still pending, is the chapter I have put the most amount of hours on since I started posting.

It will take a while to appear.

I am glad to hear that you managed to situate yourself within the story. I am now thanking my editor for his help with this one :). I tried, but it was not something I had intended.

thank you!

Maharat
 
I really enjoy your writing. You have an ability to get inside the heads of your characters that is quite remarkable. I had read Arab-Israeli Affair before without knowing it was an alt of yours. Whilst some of the action is a tad incredible, the portayal of the main character is superb.

I am slowly working through all your stories, and, so far, have not found one I don't like.

As a reader, perhaps editor, I would make a few comments.

Your collection is a bit confusing. For example, the Syrah story meanders through several titles and it is not easy to follow the sequence unless you have been there from the start. A reader just clicking in would find themselves totally lost. Can I suggest that you decide when a story is told and move on to a new subject. Picking up on the same characters, however well written, is a frequent error by a writer. The inviolable rule of a beginning, a middle and a conclusion/resolution should be respected.

Pacing. Your stories tend to progress at a constant speed. Despite your great take on dialogue, you don't often use it to accelerate the action but rather meld it in with the description/narrative. A few bits of rollercoaster excitement might work.

A minor point is that a more rigorous proofreading would help. Several typos have slipped into the finished article.

There is no need to get hung up on classifications. Most of your work could fit in Erotic Couplings, Romance and First Time. Syrah (all of the tale) would fit in Sci-Fi. Don't try and be too subtle.

You asked for a critique and that is mine. However, I totally agree with Slyc's comments on the quality of your writing. You say you don't get the number of readers you hope for - but are you really writing for readers or to make good writing? Both are worthy objectives.

Hope this helps.

:heart: Elle
 
thank you

elfin_odalisque said:
I really enjoy your writing. You have an ability to get inside the heads of your characters that is quite remarkable. I had read Arab-Israeli Affair before without knowing it was an alt of yours. Whilst some of the action is a tad incredible, the portayal of the main character is superb.

I am slowly working through all your stories, and, so far, have not found one I don't like.
Click to expand...

The Arab-Israeli affair was inspired by articles in the news... though of course it is quite romanticized.

Thank you! :eek:

Your collection is a bit confusing. For example, the Syrah story meanders through several titles and it is not easy to follow the sequence unless you have been there from the start. A reader just clicking in would find themselves totally lost. Can I suggest that you decide when a story is told and move on to a new subject. Picking up on the same characters, however well written, is a frequent error by a writer. The inviolable rule of a beginning, a middle and a conclusion/resolution should be respected.
Click to expand...

:) Yup, guilty as charged. I posted a timeline on Myspace, but I realize now people must become members to see it. I will post a copy here too.

A minor point is that a more rigorous proofreading would help. Several typos have slipped into the finished article.
Click to expand...

This is a serious issue since I have only started using an editor only recently. While he is very good - thank you! - I still have many unedited stories. I am trying to go over the whole thing, and it is taking long.

There is no need to get hung up on classifications. Most of your work could fit in Erotic Couplings, Romance and First Time. Syrah (all of the tale) would fit in Sci-Fi. Don't try and be too subtle.
Click to expand...

I am often told that, yet, I got such hate email for Back Here in Clueless (my first try at Erotic Couplings) for the very mild BDSM sex, which you would not believe. So what if I said the cunt word? :eek: The whiff of negativity was like walking into the desert sand after leaving an air-conditioned car!

You asked for a critique and that is mine. However, I totally agree with Slyc's comments on the quality of your writing. You say you don't get the number of readers you hope for - but are you really writing for readers or to make good writing? Both are worthy objectives.
Click to expand...

I am writing for myself actually. Still, without the readers, the stories would never be what they are today. The encouragement causes many many pages to get written.

Hope this helps.
Click to expand...

Made my day!

Maharat
 
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Longing for the rain

This is a Romance set in Late Renaissance Italy. Flora is a sheltered girl who is given in marriage to a man more than twice her age.

I am especially proud of this one.

Maharat
 
\
maharat48 said:
This is a Romance set in Late Renaissance Italy. Flora is a sheltered girl who is given in marriage to a man more than twice her age.

I am especially proud of this one.

Maharat
Click to expand...
And you very much should be. I thought it caught the emotions and the character exactly right. Well written and beautifully done. I can't wait for the next chapter. Though I did expect Marco to be a bit more reserved than you protrayed him. I loved it.
 
Marco

Daniellekitten said:
\
And you very much should be. I thought it caught the emotions and the character exactly right. Well written and beautifully done. I can't wait for the next chapter. Though I did expect Marco to be a bit more reserved than you protrayed him. I loved it.
Click to expand...

thank you!

I think that at this point we have only see the man he allows himself to be in private. As the story unfolds, the contrast between private and public will become quite remarked.

Thanks for the nice PC as well!

Maharat
 
Out there and again...

...liked it. Again, the main character seems to have some latitude that allows her, perhaps to manipulate the situation as best she can within the confines of the situation. That's what makes the series so interesting.

When I first saw "loving in inequality" I thought...now THERE'S a euphemism, but to me, it's a very apt description of how your portray what's going on. I love the subtleties.

Thanks! :rose:
 
Back Here and Clueless
I didn't see this as part of the overall alien series...unless I missed something?

telling herself she had not money for it, -- language just seemed a little stilted.

Typos "loose the baby", lottery "thought not life changing"--I didn't necessarily go looking for typos, but these jumped out. You may want to comb through this again to be sure you've got them all...

Re the gender of the new doctor...we have this...

and the doctor had never nodded negatively at what she saw. The new doctor emphasized what was good, she always made sure to show her that the baby was growing normally, though now it had turned his back at them for good and would not change position.

And we have this...

He leant forward towards her. "Are you satisfied, with your new doctor?"

"Very much. He is considerate of my wishes, though he warned of the same things as the others ..."

Now, the older I get, the more convinced I become there's not a single job on this planet that women can't do better than men. So if I get a vote, I vote on the new, more understanding doctor being a man, because that to me would be unexpected and out of the ordinary...

she hoped he could not "detect". Not sure the quotes are necessary...

Hanna and her friends liked to sip coffee in this lounge, pretend that they were ladies who lunched... I love this line!!

I think you overemphasized how "wet" she got a bit too much. What other sexual feelings/responses might she have been having?

Hanna walked and stopped before him, and he grabbed a nipple gently, only to kiss her again, his tongue exploring her mouth deeply, so hot. She heard him moan, perhaps for the first time, when his wandering hand found her soaked secrets, and at that moment, he knew exactly which sort of girl she was deep down.

The bad kind.

Seems like a bit of a value judgement to me (calling her the bad kind). If this were told in the first person I could buy it! Seems like more of a self-perception.

Aharon's language seems very formal, almost stilted. Not sure if you intended that...here's an example...

"Oh, you are very right. Perhaps we could retire to the bedroom now. You look cold."

It was just a bit hard for me to imagine people who were intimate speaking so formally. Could I infer English is a second language for Aharon, perhaps? It could also be a matter of style. Some of my dialogue, maybe, is almost TOO informal to be believable, almost goofy sometimes!

While I was picking on stuff here and there, I liked the story overall, certainly you built up the suspense from mystery man to recognized man.

Hanna is a very likeable character. There was a distance with Aharon, so much difficult to try to connect/relate to him. Again, that was probably intended.

Thanks, as always, for the read.

Also, you may want to check some of your links. At least one of your links with one title takes you to a different title...you may just want to check all of them.
 
Back Here and Clueless

It was only around the time I posted this story that I started using an editor, and I guess it shows.

I am constantly going over all the posted stuff but since most of it is unedited, it will take quite a bit of time.

Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting.

Maharat
 
maharat48 said:
It was only around the time I posted this story that I started using an editor, and I guess it shows.

I am constantly going over all the posted stuff but since most of it is unedited, it will take quite a bit of time.

Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting.

Maharat
Click to expand...

It's my pleasure...some more comments...

BAKC: Aharon's Toy Closet

"You could say that," he answered, taking another sip of his drink. Aharon was so charming when he wanted to be.

I'm not convinced he could be charming, simply because he said "you could say that".


Hanna decided that whining was best not done in front of amazing men, even if they seemed all interested.

"Seemed at all interested"?

"Allow me a minute, Aharon, then I will come to your door."

Again, the nature of the speech seems a little stilted to me, but I acknowledge I could be missing the point of it if the formal tone is intended.

The latest Jet Li movie was playing, the one with the child, and the last fight scene had just began.

Picky point, this sentence may not stand the test of time, assuming Jet Li makes more movies, and given not everyone may not recognize which movie is "the one with the child".

Hanna opened the walk in closet, only to close it again, fast. Inside she found the shiniest, most complete collection of kink she had ever seen outside of a store. It looked very, very real too. Hanna leant against the door, unsure what to do next, while Aharon regarded her calmly.

Maybe a little more detail…what kind of "kink"? I'm sure the details come out later, but am wondering if you need more than just a general comment here?? OR, in the absence of detail, maybe concentrate on Hanna's reaction/emotions to what she saw…

Hanna looked at him, pouted, and decided to continue browsing, though this "lesson" was making her hotter than she would like to admit. There was no point hiding, cause he would notice it later, when he finally lost his patience, and took her to the bed.

Please don't feel like I'm picking on things! Again took her "to the bed" seems a bit too formal as opposed to simply "to bed".

Hanna sighed, overwhelmed by the heat rising to her face when she thought of what he might want, but she continued browsing the collection, for something told her this opportunity might not happen again! Aharon would probably keep his distance after the baby, and if they did become an item, then surely he would not be so nice to her, as they assumed their natural roles...

No reason why you wouldn't just end with a period (vs the ellipses)…something I've picked up on this board.

and what he could do barehanded was a lot more than se could handle at the moment.

Typo "se" / "she"

The blows fell unpredictably, infrequently, and Hanna knew he was deliberately keeping her from phasing out, as if he needed her with him, to know that she was all right.

Forgive my naivete…"phasing out"…could be a buzzphrase I'm just not familiar with, and I'm the only one…

"Aaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh," was all she could answer, the plug lodged in painfully almost to the end, and it burnt, it burnt pretty bad; it was making Hanna hot all over again.

Some people on this board will pick on elongated "argh", "oh", "ah", et al. I think they're OK if used sparingly, you have a few in this one. Maybe opt for describing the moan/scream/orgasm instead?

The "edits" are not meant at all as criticism, just pointing out the ones I happen to see.

Overall, I very much like this story, again, while the category is not one I really gravitate toward or are interested in, I very much like the way you write. I like how the Hanna/Aharon relationship seems to develop from the previous story on one hand, and on the other hand, I can see how this story does just fine as a standalone. That's not easy to do.

:rose:
 
maharat48 said:
Stand-alones

The Israeli-arab affair

The Israeli-arab affair Ch. 02
Click to expand...

if there's a link to either of these, could you post? I saw neither one on your list (read the first and would like to read the second if it's available)...

Thanks.
Click to expand...
 
ninefe2dg said:
maharat48 said:
Stand-alones



if there's a link to either of these, could you post? I saw neither one on your list (read the first and would like to read the second if it's available)...

Thanks.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tip. I think I got all the broken links...

Maharat
Click to expand...
 
Hi,

I've sent you a few comments before through the Lit feedback, but when I saw your thread here just couldn't pass by without telling you how much I like your stories. You're definitely one of my top-watched and most enjoyed Lit authors.
 
thanks!

magbeam said:
Hi,

I've sent you a few comments before through the Lit feedback, but when I saw your thread here just couldn't pass by without telling you how much I like your stories. You're definitely one of my top-watched and most enjoyed Lit authors.
Click to expand...

Thank you for reading, and thank you especially for all your kind feedback so far!

Maharat
 
Arab Israeli Affair ch2

Not that this is a prerequisite, but I found myself very much liking both main characters of this story. Both endure their struggles, but one doesn't feel pity for them. They are both strong, as is their love for each other. I hope we see more, if not from this couple, but from this setting!

If she doesn't speak Arabic, what language are they speaking w/ one another? Hebrew?

You do a wonderful job depicting life in Israel, and the struggles that are endured there across ethnic boundaries.

Your characters have depth and substance. You keep me reading, thank you!

:rose:
 
hebrew

ninefe2dg said:
If she doesn't speak Arabic, what language are they speaking w/ one another? Hebrew?

You do a wonderful job depicting life in Israel, and the struggles that are endured there across ethnic boundaries.

Your characters have depth and substance. You keep me reading, thank you!

:rose:
Click to expand...


Thanks!

Arab Israelis speak Hebrew usually. In this case, since she is an immigrant, he speaks better than she does.

I have plans for this one, but for some reason, I find it harder to work on than the others...

Perhaps there will be a another in one of the contests.

Maharat
 
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