Bring your best redneck joke

What do a hillbilly divorce & a tornado have in common?

Someone is going to lose a trailer..

JazzManJim said:

How can a redneck Mama tell that her daughter is sexually active?

She can taste it on her son's dick.

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Ancient, terrible, and you told it wrong. It's "how can a redneck Mama tell that her daughter is on her period"?

Anyhow...

Two redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other redneck takes out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps: "Mah friend is dead! What ham I gonna dew?"

The operator says: "Easy, easy. Just calm down. What happened?"

He spits out: "We was walkin' in der woods and he done fell down and held his chest real tight like. An' now he ain't movin'. Oh gawd - he's dead, he's dead!"

The operator responds: "Calm down, calm down. Just get yourself together, okay? First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence. Then, a gunshot is heard.

He answers: "OK. Now whut?"

Y'all come look at this before I flush....

A redneck, with a sheep under his arm, walks into his bedroom. His wife is lying down on the bed. She looks up, and scowls.

The man says: "Hey. This here's duh pig I's sleeps with when you is away."

The wife is silent, seething in anger. She finally yells: "You mo-ron! That ain't a pig; it's a dag-gum sheep!"

The man says: "I knows. Dats who I wuz talkin' to."

Star of Penumbra said:

The first thing I thought of was, for some reason, "the defendant."

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What do you call a black guy wearing a suit?

The defendant.

Redneck Saved the day

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar havin a cool one. A purty little lady walked in and ordered a beer and a bag of pork rinds. The rednecks where watchin her every move and discussin all the things they'd like to do with the little lady. All of a sudden she started grabbin her throat a kinda gaggin. One redneck jumped up, ran over, bent her over the table, flipped up her skirt, pulled down her little panties and started lickin up and down her cute little butt.
The gal jumped up off the table, spit a pork rind half way accross the bar and fell back in the chair gasping for breath.
The redneck saundered back over to his table, wink at his buddy and said. See that hind lick maneuver works every time.

RoryN said:

you told it wrong. It's "how can a redneck Mama tell that her daughter is on her period"?

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Thank you. I was looking forward to posting it when I saw the first post, but when I saw it had been posted already and incorrectly, I lost all interest in this thread.

MechaBlade said:

Thank you. I was looking forward to posting it when I saw the first post, but when I saw it had been posted already and incorrectly, I lost all interest in this thread.

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Nothing like being a Redneck Joke Watchdog.

How do you give a redneck a vasectomy?

.....punch his sister in the jaw...

That reminds me . . .

takeme4u69 said:

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar havin a cool one. A purty little lady walked in and ordered a beer and a bag of pork rinds. The rednecks where watchin her every move and discussin all the things they'd like to do with the little lady. All of a sudden she started grabbin her throat a kinda gaggin. One redneck jumped up, ran over, bent her over the table, flipped up her skirt, pulled down her little panties and started lickin up and down her cute little butt.
The gal jumped up off the table, spit a pork rind half way accross the bar and fell back in the chair gasping for breath.
The redneck saundered back over to his table, wink at his buddy and said. See that hind lick maneuver works every time.

Click to expand...

Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite
bar...

They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin' a
couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the
women go by...

After a while, a really beautiful brunette walks by, and
the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look
at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."
Other cowboy nods slowly, and says,

"Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking
blonde, comes walking by in front of them...

First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer,
and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must
be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."

Time passes on by, and the cowboys are still sippin' their
beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes
this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful redhead... As
she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip
their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles
real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one
has GOT to be a 6."

The second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the redhead hears them... and she is NOT amused.
She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the
two grinning cowboys...

She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me.
But, are you two actually standing there rating women??!?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed... lookin' down at
their boots, and they both nod.

One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't

understand..."

She is REAL mad now... and looks at the cowboy and
says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher
than that, by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand?
Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating

system......."

The redhead says, "Oh. And what would THAT be?

No one has EVER rated me a SIX before..."

And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks..."What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says,
reallllll slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales
it would take to pull you off of my face."

RoryN said:

Ancient, terrible, and you told it wrong. It's "how can a redneck Mama tell that her daughter is on her period"?

Click to expand...

I told it the way I heard it.

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, “Betty, have you ever cheated on me?”

Betty replies, “Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, three times…”

“Three?!? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?”

“Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?”

“So, all right then, when was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

A redneck is shipwrecked on an island with a dog and a pig

being the only other inhabitants. The island is lush with

food and water and he finds a nice warm dry cave

overlooking the ocean and beach. After several months of

survival go by, the redneck begins to feel certain "manly

urges". He looks at the dog and the pig but dismisses the

thought. Several more months go by and the redneck can no

longer stand it. The redneck begins to think about which

it will be: the dog or the pig. But the dog and pig have

bonded by now and are protective towards one another.

After deciding on the pig, since the dog could bite, the

redneck grabbed the pig and and headed towards the cave.

But the dog went crazy, and began barking and nipping at

the redneck's heels. The redneck dropped the pig to fend

off the dog and both animals went running off. This same

scene happened every time the redneck even approached the

pig. Then one day the redneck awoke and looked out of his

cave to the beach where a naked woman had washed ashore.

The redneck ran to the beach and began to revive the

woman. As she opened her eyes, the redneck recognized her

as Hillary Clinton. When she had fully regained her senses

and realized the redneck had possible saved her life, she

told him she would do anything he wanted. Anything. The

redneck then winked at her and said "Could ya hold that

dog over there for a couple of minutes?"