Learning and Teaching New (non-sexual) Things in a D/s Relationship

[seela]

If there's one thing I truly love, it is to learn and be exposed to all kinds of new things that challenge my thinking and broaden my horizons.

I have some experience of D/s dynamics, where I've been asked to read certain books or learn about certain topics so that I can provide a sounding board for the PYLs thoughts. I've also been asked to teach something to the PYL that I was pretty good at and they wanted to learn.

Once I was asked to study philosophy, because the guy I was involved with firmly believed that everybody would benefit from knowing more about philosophy. I read a lot and got really into the topic. We had several wonderful discussions and I learned so much from the experience and him. Even though the relationship is long gone, I still reap the rewards from the little task he gave me. And somehow I think he'd be totally thrilled if he knew he had such a long-lasting impact on me.

I've also been asked to read the PYLs favorite books. I found this incredibly interesting, because not only did I get to read books, but I also got a pretty good climpse into their head through the discussion that followed.

The learning or teaching can be something very tangible, too. There are times I've learned a specific skill, such as making their coffee just right. Or folding the laundry the way they prefer it.

I love to learn and I always feel great when I finally see I can keep up in a conversation and not feel lost or get that luscious crema on top of the espresso. I think I've benefitted a lot as a person from all those times I've been given a task to learn something, even if at the time it felt pointless. If nothing else, I've become more patient and a lot better researcher through it.

So, am I alone in this? Have you experienced or would you like to experience something like this? Maybe started to follow sports because your PYL is into it so that you can talk about it? Follow the news? Learned about quantum mechanics? Learned to French braid? Boil a perfectly runny egg? Give a massage?

PYLs, do you look at it as getting something for yourself (ie. more interesting discussions or perfectly folded t shirts) or do you also see it as an opportunity for the pyl to learn something worthwhile and possibly grow as a person?

 

[Nezhul]

For me, such things lie outside of D&S dynamic.
Some people just like to learn and share knowledge, like to study topics that interest their partners and get into it.
Others will prefer their own thing, and will absolutely HATE being forced to read someone else's favorite books or philosophy works if they don't like them. I can respect that.

Would I force my Sub read something if she doesn't like it? No, why would I? If she really hated it, I wouldn't get anything out of the thing than get her annoyed. As well as maybe hearing a few unkind remarks about my favorite story.

On the other hand, would I suggest my vanilla partner to learn or read something that I find interesting? Definitely. Wanting to share this is not about D&S at all. I actually don't understand the dynamic there that makes the act of reading something submissive.

I definitely don't get anything out of making a sub read or learn something. I will suggest reading something to her regardless. If she likes it - she will read it on ehr own. If she hates it, then there's no point in forcing it.

 

[MeekMe]

I like learning new things. I’m not sure that I would do very well being told to learn something like philosophy or read a particular book. I might be able to force myself to read it, but I’m not sure that I would retain any of the information.

I do, however, love learning a skill or preparation for the one in charge. Knowing how they like their [insert food/beverage], a particular way they fold laundry, or learning a skill to serve them. I’m a sucker for things like that.

I take an active interest in things when I know someone likes it. I know a little about a lot of things I’ve never really been personally interested in, but I can hold a conversation about the topic and that seems to be enough.

 

[MeekMe]

I also wanted to add that this kind of “task” appeals to me. If they want me to take an interest in something non-sexual that they enjoy, then it is welcomed. Non-sexual things are a bigger portion of my life and that is something I really appreciate. Sex is a very small part of my life and to be hyper focused on it isn’t really that enjoyable for me. Engaging me beyond that says a lot more to me about a person.

 

[seela]

For me, such things lie outside of D&S dynamic.
Some people just like to learn and share knowledge, like to study topics that interest their partners and get into it.
Others will prefer their own thing, and will absolutely HATE being forced to read someone else's favorite books or philosophy works if they don't like them. I can respect that.

Would I force my Sub read something if she doesn't like it? No, why would I? If she really hated it, I wouldn't get anything out of the thing than get her annoyed. As well as maybe hearing a few unkind remarks about my favorite story.

On the other hand, would I suggest my vanilla partner to learn or read something that I find interesting? Definitely. Wanting to share this is not about D&S at all. I actually don't understand the dynamic there that makes the act of reading something submissive.

I definitely don't get anything out of making a sub read or learn something. I will suggest reading something to her regardless. If she likes it - she will read it on ehr own. If she hates it, then there's no point in forcing it.

Yeah, teaching or learning something definitely doesn't have to have anything to do with D/s, but it can and I have experiences where learning or reading or teaching something has been a clear task given to me.

I think most everybody would agree that learning to cook the PYL's favorite dishes could be a task given to the pyl. I don't see any difference to making to pyl learn something else, less tangible.

I'm also of the mind that not everything within the dynamic I'm in has to be sexy, fun or even interesting. Sometimes doing things that I really don't like at all is exactly what I need. Being forced can be really hot to me even if it's not physical.

I like learning new things. I’m not sure that I would do very well being told to learn something like philosophy or read a particular book. I might be able to force myself to read it, but I’m not sure that I would retain any of the information.

I do, however, love learning a skill or preparation for the one in charge. Knowing how they like their [insert food/beverage], a particular way they fold laundry, or learning a skill to serve them. I’m a sucker for things like that.

I take an active interest in things when I know someone likes it. I know a little about a lot of things I’ve never really been personally interested in, but I can hold a conversation about the topic and that seems to be enough.

The little things that matter to me the most are knowing just how they like their coffee or sandwich or which brand of toothpaste to get them and how to fold their laundry etc. I love doing and learning all that, I'm definitely with you on that one!

I'm generally a very curious person in that I always love to learn about new things. It can bother me a lot if I don't know something. I google a lot and ask a lot of stupid questions as a result. I always need to know.

Someone giving me a task to learn about something specific works really well for my personality, because it appeals to both my curious side and by submissive side at the same time. The thought of the PYL in a way molding my personality through learning is also very appealing to me.

I also wanted to add that this kind of “task” appeals to me. If they want me to take an interest in something non-sexual that they enjoy, then it is welcomed. Non-sexual things are a bigger portion of my life and that is something I really appreciate. Sex is a very small part of my life and to be hyper focused on it isn’t really that enjoyable for me. Engaging me beyond that says a lot more to me about a person.

Yep, I agree. I love tasks and I get a crazy amount of satisfaction when I complete my task. Although the sexual side has become more important to me recently again, it's generally the non-sexual things that I get the most enjoyment out of. Being of use, helpful, being able to anticipate wants and needs etc, that's the stuff that really matters to me in the long run.

 

[quietlylooking]

Although not ultimately a sub, I have been inspired and/or encouraged by men with dominant characters (on and off Lit) to learn and grown in many different directions, from history and politics, to bicycling and other exercise, to new music and books, to new recipes and cooking, and more. For me, this ability to feel new and vibrant interest in some topic or activity and the learning that then occurs is one of the most beautiful and valuable parts of relationships.

 

[LiamHDunn]

For me, it's gone both ways. Even as I have exposed a pyl to new things they have exposed me as well. I was not an opera fan, but I knew a sub I was involved with a) enjoyed opera and b) had a fantasy of being taken out for an elegant evening that included wearing her "dress collar" and public play.

I did some research, found a performance I wanted to risk I might enjoy and found I enjoyed opera. And, it gave us something else to talk about.

Only a few times have I ever tasked a pyl to read a book and then only in response to what I was confident were real desires to learn more about some topic. I did once task a pyl to read the first Gor novel because she maintained how sad she was that she didn't know more about them. But I paid for the book.

 

[removed9556]

 

[cascadiabound]

As MeekMe has said, however sexual a relationship it is unlikely to be mostly sex beyond the first few decades. I love teaching - which is to the good, given my profession - and so much of it is about learning, too. I've had people I had not thought of in years message me to tell me that they loved that book we discussed, or the film we watched together, and that it just became relevant in a new relationship or job, or similar. And I've been taught wonderful things by partners, from cooking to Russian literature, music...so much. It's one of the very best ways to grow - to learn from those one loves.

I think you are spot on here. Yes. And for me...weirdly maybe, I get turned on by learning things, by new ideas, by feeling my mind be stretched, by learning an historical factoid that suddenly makes others things click into place. Take me to a museum... one of the surest ways to get me willing to be naughty in public...my arousal is just on over drive.

Is that BDSM? Idk. Is it how I'm wired? Definitely. You throw in some kink or control or any element of the BDSM dynamic along with learning stuff and I am a hot mess. I get excited teaching what I know to my partners too. Makes me feel special. Valued. Like I have something to contribute.

 

[Red_Camellia]

This actually sounds really interesting seela. I would love to have that kind of dynamic. I'm a very curious individual and love getting the chance to prove myself. I could definitely see myself having fun with it. I agree with cascadiabound that if you up the stakes with some kind of kink/control element in mind, it would make it all the more enjoyable and exciting.

 

[Miles Long]

A long time ago there was a woman in my life for whom I chose her pleasure reading. It was something we both enjoyed, and it really reinforced the D/s dynamic for us. To be fair, we had very similar tastes in literature, so she never had to read something she wasn't already interested in reading. It's something I look back on rather fondly.

Overall, I like teaching and sharing interests. I think it certainly can be done in a way that reflects and deepens the D/s dynamic between the partners. For me, I think it compliments and reinforces the sexual power dynamic, too. If I had just one or the other, I would find it less interesting.

 

[Farawyn]

A long time ago there was a woman in my life for whom I chose her pleasure reading. It was something we both enjoyed, and it really reinforced the D/s dynamic for us. To be fair, we had very similar tastes in literature, so she never had to read something she wasn't already interested in reading. It's something I look back on rather fondly.

Overall, I like teaching and sharing interests. I think it certainly can be done in a way that reflects and deepens the D/s dynamic between the partners. For me, I think it compliments and reinforces the sexual power dynamic, too. If I had just one or the other, I would find it less interesting.

Agree. This can be extended beyond books, film, music and art to things like hobbies, sports and cooking/wine choices.
When I first got to Lit I had someone I talked to who liked GOT, and he had me turn in an “assignment” - which GOT character was I most like and why?- that sort of thing. We then discussed it.
I did not like the guy, much, but that was the best part of that relationship. In a good way.
And it’s okay NOT to like something. If the Dom is into punishment he may be able to use that to his advantage.

Cassie, are you thinking sapiosexual?

 

[Blue]

A long time ago there was a woman in my life for whom I chose her pleasure reading. It was something we both enjoyed, and it really reinforced the D/s dynamic for us. To be fair, we had very similar tastes in literature, so she never had to read something she wasn't already interested in reading. It's something I look back on rather fondly.

Suddenly I have this strange mental image of Bramblethorn with his/her partner, lying under an oak tree at night, staring at the constellations and reading each other fiscal statistics.

 

[Farawyn]

Suddenly I have this strange mental image of Bramblethorn with his/her partner, lying under an oak tree at night, staring at the constellations and reading each other fiscal statistics.

That’s hot AF.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Suddenly I have this strange mental image of Bramblethorn with his/her partner, lying under an oak tree at night, staring at the constellations and reading each other fiscal statistics.

(more likely to be a eucalypt and science facts, but close enough!)

 

[Mindfondler]

I adore this concept in general -- not just within a D/s context. I have a strong nurturing streak and I love to encourage others to develop and grow themselves, in the knowledge that I'll also develop and grow myself in the process of being involved.

If I have good knowledge or skills in a particular area, then I'm enthusiastic to share them and pass them on, with the added benefit that I find myself enhancing my own understanding or ability as a result. I'm equally keen to learn something new together with a partner, in a framework of mutual support and sharing of the joys of accomplishment.

I haven't yet had the opportunity to try a D/s approach to this, but I imagine that it would be fun to add explicit elements of reward and punishment.
.

 

[seela]

I've enjoyed reading everybody's contributions.

Thank you!