Should I Tell Her?

Missouribiguy

Literotica Guru
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Oct 17, 2005
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Hey all,

I wonder what you all think of this? I am currently single, but I am looking for a girlfriend. However, I am a bi-sexual guy, and I do think about having sex with men.

Anyway, I decided to ask if you think that if I should tell her that I am bisexual and when should I do it?

I don't want to do it when we first start going out, but I would like to tell her before we get more serious.

And no, this isn't about if she lets me do it with a guy or not. It's more of a trust issue type of thing for me.
 
Trust is earned, You need to be upfront and honest about yourself the first time sex comes up in a discussion. If it is meant to be, you will be so glad that you were honest with her from the beginning.
 
Trust is earned, You need to be upfront and honest about yourself the first time sex comes up in a discussion. If it is meant to be, you will be so glad that you were honest with her from the beginning.

I agree, the longer you avoid it the harder it will become with time
 
Without a doubt, you should tell her. I regret not telling her right up front every day of my life.
 
I agree with what the others above have said , Be honest and up front , the earlier you share your self with her the less you will have invested if she doesn't want to be part of that life style.
Good luck to you !
 
totally, let her know that you're bisexual-- and also, that you just might be inclined to step out on her with a man, which is the real issue here.

Some women will be just fine with that, and you just might get your wish!
 
totally, let her know that you're bisexual-- and also, that you just might be inclined to step out on her with a man, which is the real issue here.

Some women will be just fine with that, and you just might get your wish!

Hi Stella. I hope you're doing well, and life is treating you like the rock star you deserve to be. :)

I respectfully disagree that's the real issue, though. I haven't stepped out. I've made a commitment to a monogamous relationship, and regardless of whether that relationship is with a man or a woman, it's a commitment to one person. That was my thinking going into this, and it's still mostly my thinking now. If I decide someday that I need to be with a man--one I like better than her--then I believe the right thing is for me to tell her that we can go no further together, and part ways. No different than if I decide someday that I just don't like being with her at all any more. Will it happen that way? I don't know. I'm a little weak in the "up front and honest" department, as I've already proven by not telling her in the first place.

The real issue here is whether the person I want to commit myself to, if I commit to one person, is one who will accept that I've enjoyed sex with men, that certain guys really flip my trigger just like certain girls do. And there's a little bit of me that wishes she would fuck me like a dude, I'll admit. And if I have to admit all of it, I wouldn't turn it down if she brought that trigger-flippin' fella home for some sexy fun together. The real issue for me is, I am kicking myself because I wanted to be with someone who can accept my sexuality, maybe even have a little fun with it even while remaining monogamous. But I was too weak in the knees, too head-over-heels for her, to risk telling her that I am bisexual and submit myself to rejection. And now there's this deep, dark secret that I thought I was finally free from at one time. I find myself back in the closet again because of my own weakness of character. I wanted too badly to be someone she liked, and not badly enough to be someone I liked.

But enough about me. Really, I wish I'd told her more because I hate that I didn't. And I hate that I didn't, not because I wish she'd watch me suck a cock, but because I don't like me for my decision not to be true to myself and honest with her.

-- P
 
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Hey all,

I wonder what you all think of this? I am currently single, but I am looking for a girlfriend. However, I am a bi-sexual guy, and I do think about having sex with men.

Anyway, I decided to ask if you think that if I should tell her that I am bisexual and when should I do it?

I don't want to do it when we first start going out, but I would like to tell her before we get more serious.

And no, this isn't about if she lets me do it with a guy or not. It's more of a trust issue type of thing for me.

Tell her before you have sex. Some women get a bit freaked out when they find out they had sex with a Bi sexual man after the fact...
 
Yes...

You will know when the time is right. I suggest as it starts to get a little more serious...drop hints.... get a feel of her reaction....:cattail:
 
I can't tell you when to tell her but please DO tell the next woman in your life when you start talking about things of that nature. I would have no problem dating a man that is bi but would have a real problem if I weren't allowed that info until after falling for him. I would start to wonder what else he is not being upfront about.
 
I've gone the route of being forward with it near the start of the relationship. While she may be fine with it(or say she is), its still a lot to process.

I suggest if she asks you, go ahead and tell her. If not, wait for the right opportunity. Post sex glow is usually good if the pillow talk leads down a direction where it is easy to slip in.

But don't wait too long, because if you get serious and she finds out, or you tell her and she thinks it was too late.. You may be in for losing her.
 
Yes, yes, yes. You must tell her! The earlier the better.

The best thing I ever did in life was to begin to confided in my girlfriends that I was bisexual. By telling your girlfriend you're bisexual unifies your sexual life. If she is grossed out, then she is a total dead end for you anyway. No chance for real happiness in a relationship where you can't share your ultimate sexual fantasies with your lover.

Trust me, I have rarely met a woman I got hot for that wasn't totally turned on and curious about my bisexuality. Of course, I dig really hot "slutty" women and have access to a lot of them in my line of work. Artists, actors, musicians, inner city fashion types. Still, in my experience women think about bisexual macho guys making out all over them the same way guys think about getting it on with two bisexual babes. It's da fantasy to die for!

You won't believe the hot sex you'll find yourself in for if you're just honest with women about your sexuality.

But it's not just about fantasy. I'm married to a beautiful woman now. We are dearly in love and we occasionally have sex with friends and at wild parties. Bisexuality is a lifestyle if you chose to make it so.
 
Man, i think I have more replies to this then my Male to Male vids thread.

Anyway, I have to agree with you all, though I am getting some mixed signals from some of you. I mean Kitkat said I should tell her before we have sex, and Lexe told me afterwards. Of course, I am single right now, but I am sure that if I find the right girl, I definately tell her.

What sparked this thread is because I have this older guy on my Yahoo Messenger's friend list. He was naked and jacking off on his webcam at his sister's house (boundary issues) and I told him basically that he shouldn't be doing that in other people's homes (I'm iffy on hotels, but I have jerked off his a hotel before, when I was in a room by myself). Anyway, the talk suddenly change from that to "I don't think you are comfortable with the idea of sex with a man."

There is some truth to that. It's more so that I live in a small town that is pretty conserative, so the idea of a man who wants to have sex with another man would probably be frowned upon. However, I have no hang-ups on the sex itself, just the whole "what if people find out".

I pointed it out that i would tell my girlfriend about my sexuality, and made a statement that I would like to have a boyfriend on the side. Suddenly, he jumped my case that no woman would want to have sex with a gay man and I would be spreading diseases to my wife and kids.

This came from left field when he said this. I was so pissed off by what he said. I'm sorry, but I know about STD's and using condoms. I know not to have sex with someone I don't trust. He then gave me the whammy.

I always thought this guy was 60-year-old single gay guy. No, it turned out he's a 60 year old married guy who only has online gay sex. So, he basically lied to me while doing this shit behind his wife's back. I'm no saint here or anything, but fuck, there is a choice in the manner at least being honest to the person you are talking online with.

Let's just say, I wish not to be friends with this person. Also, I decided to start this thread, and talk about this subject. I figured I needed other people's opinions on the subject. Hell, two of my straight friends on Yahoo agreed with me.

Anyway, that's the whole story (on my part). Hopefully, you guys can see where I am coming from.
 
Hey Mizzou...I'm a Jayhawk but I will suspend the rivalry for a minute and applaud you for apparently coming to the right decision.

I lived the "secret" bi life for several years at the end of a long marriage. I rationalized my cheating by convincing myself that a) she wouldn't live up to her end of the marital bargain so "all bets were off" and b) it sort of, kind of wasn't cheating if it was with a guy. Assinine logic on both counts but sexual frustration, bitterness and (in my case) alcoholism made it seem perfectly reasonable at the time. She found out, divorced me in a well-deserved flurry of righteous indignation and sent me into the cold dark night of near-bankruptcy and middle-aged bachelorhood.

If you like and respect the woman you're going to be with, tell her. I did with my current girlfriend after we'd dated for a while and began to get serious. It was scary as hell, but I guessed (correctly) that she had her own little secrets from her past. It turned into mutual confession time...and it was very cathartic. It took some time for each of us to process what we learned about the other, but we're stronger for it now. We even joke about my "semi-gayness" and her one-time proclivity for young black men with very large cocks.

When should you tell her? Use your best judgment. I'd say the sooner the better, but sometime between the first date and the first time you say "I love you" would be good. And make damned sure you've been recently tested for STDs before you open your mouth. That's (justifiably) the first thing she'll ask.

Also be prepared to talk intelligently about bisexuality in general. It takes even the most open-minded people a while to understand it and many just never get it. For example, despite decades of physical and emotional evidence to the contrary, my ex-wife is now simply convinced that I was gay the entire time.

Bottom line: the truth will set you free. Even a Missouri should be able to understand that.
 
Look, Missouri, I hear where you are coming from.

1. You're not comfortable coming out of the closet.
2. You didn't select this girlfriend of yours to fit the parameters of your real sexuality and thus are totally uncertain of how she will respond to a bisexual you.
3. You even seem uncommitted yourself to bisexuality. You might well be able to find happiness in a monogamous relationship with a bit of online gay masturbation on the side. Nothing wrong with that, if it's really a sustainable lifestyle option.
4. The clock is ticking. None of us getting any younger.

This is a moral, spiritual and sexual dilemma.

Let's start with the moral. You owe it to your sexual partners to be up front about your sexuality. As you note, your girlfriend can't fairly evaluate the risk versus rewards of your sexuality if she is unaware of it. Unfair to the girlfriend, bad foundation for a relationship. And you're setting yourself for a humiliating collapse of the relationship (a la Pirate Guy's experience) which will likely lead to your outting anyway...

There are only two solutions to this moral dilemma. Either you take the risk entailed in telling the girlfriend you are bisexual or you gently break off the relationship and select your next girlfriend from a pool of women likely to enjoy a relationship with a bisexual man. This is easy to do today with Internet dating. Only you know which option is best for you.

The big problem we see every day in Internet forums like this is bisexual guys selecting girlfriends on the basis of traits which have nothing to do with an abiding interest in a kinky bisexuality. Then the bisexual guy hopes that he can sort of ease the nice girlfriend out of her normative heterosexual expectations she was culturized to desire into some sort of accommodation of his bisexuality. Fact is, unless the girl was bi-curious or kinky from before she met you, chances are it's far too late for her to evolve a taste for bisexual men now. Only you know if there's a chance that she's has sexual fantasies compatible with your bisexuality.

The second issue is spiritual, by which I mean your personal self-fulfillment of your potential as a human being. If you decide you really are bisexual, then reaching your full potential for happiness as well as self-esteem can never be reached in a dishonest relationship. It's that simple. Furthermore, if you were in a relationship with a woman who loved you FOR, not in spite of your bisexuality the empowerment that will bring you can not be communicated in words, my friend.

And finally, it all boils down to your sexuality. How bad do you really need man to man sex? Are you aroused by the sexual lifestyle possibilities inherent in being a bisexual man with a woman on your arm? Or do you hope to keep the hetro and homo components of your sexuality permanently quarantined?

I faced all these dilemmas once too. The great thing is if you decide to come out - at least with your lovers - it's really like a heroic story, because you'll feel a thousand pound weight lifted off your shoulders. You will have re-invented yourself as someone new. Some one with confidence in their inner guiding light. Fearless and brave and totally free to be you're real self at last. Oh, and the sex will be great...

Only you know what is best for you.
 
If you like and respect the woman you're going to be with, tell her. I did with my current girlfriend after we'd dated for a while and began to get serious. It was scary as hell, but I guessed (correctly) that she had her own little secrets from her past. It turned into mutual confession time...and it was very cathartic. It took some time for each of us to process what we learned about the other, but we're stronger for it now. We even joke about my "semi-gayness" and her one-time proclivity for young black men with very large cocks.

I have had exactly this experience with several girlfriends back in my early twenties when I was half in and out of the closet trying to figure life out. Just as pirate guy sez you can kind of see it in their eyes, a kind of soul-mate-ship. I guess it sort of works like that for gay guys too, who have to develop that antenna for searching out the one in ten males at the average office party that suck dick.

For me the spice of life is that magic of connecting with a woman whose sexual appetites are totally aroused by my bisexuality. With a woman like that you can do anything...;-)
 
Hey Mizzou...I'm a Jayhawk but I will suspend the rivalry for a minute and applaud you for apparently coming to the right decision.

I lived the "secret" bi life for several years at the end of a long marriage. I rationalized my cheating by convincing myself that a) she wouldn't live up to her end of the marital bargain so "all bets were off" and b) it sort of, kind of wasn't cheating if it was with a guy. Assinine logic on both counts but sexual frustration, bitterness and (in my case) alcoholism made it seem perfectly reasonable at the time. She found out, divorced me in a well-deserved flurry of righteous indignation and sent me into the cold dark night of near-bankruptcy and middle-aged bachelorhood.

If you like and respect the woman you're going to be with, tell her. I did with my current girlfriend after we'd dated for a while and began to get serious. It was scary as hell, but I guessed (correctly) that she had her own little secrets from her past. It turned into mutual confession time...and it was very cathartic. It took some time for each of us to process what we learned about the other, but we're stronger for it now. We even joke about my "semi-gayness" and her one-time proclivity for young black men with very large cocks.

When should you tell her? Use your best judgment. I'd say the sooner the better, but sometime between the first date and the first time you say "I love you" would be good. And make damned sure you've been recently tested for STDs before you open your mouth. That's (justifiably) the first thing she'll ask.

Also be prepared to talk intelligently about bisexuality in general. It takes even the most open-minded people a while to understand it and many just never get it. For example, despite decades of physical and emotional evidence to the contrary, my ex-wife is now simply convinced that I was gay the entire time.

Bottom line: the truth will set you free. Even a Missouri should be able to understand that.

Actually, I am not that big of a sport's fan, so I don't get the reference.

Again, let me reliterate, I am currently single. Add to it, I am also a virgin.

I probably tell her when we start to get serious. I don't want to just blab it on the second date about me being attracted to guys as well as girls. I think when the subject of sex comes up, that's when I will tell her.
 
Hey all,

I wonder what you all think of this? I am currently single, but I am looking for a girlfriend. However, I am a bi-sexual guy, and I do think about having sex with men.

Anyway, I decided to ask if you think that if I should tell her that I am bisexual and when should I do it?

I don't want to do it when we first start going out, but I would like to tell her before we get more serious.

And no, this isn't about if she lets me do it with a guy or not. It's more of a trust issue type of thing for me.

I am going to take the opposite tack. Hear me out.

If you are seeking permission to date or to have sex with other men while you are dating her, then yes, of course you have an obligation to tell her. It should be reasonably upfront before either you or she have any emotional investment in the relationship.

If you are going to remain exclusive to each other during the relationship, then I see no reason why you should or need to tell her. What difference does the gender of your prior flame make. So you date both men and women, if you are exclusive at the time, then really it is no business of your then current BF/GF.

those are my thoughts.

Topher.
 
I probably tell her when we start to get serious. I don't want to just blab it on the second date about me being attracted to guys as well as girls. I think when the subject of sex comes up, that's when I will tell her.
Not sure if it should be said before you first have sex, but you definitely should be sure that you're STD-free when you do (that's a general comment - if you're a virgin, you most likely are ;)). There will probably be a point where you're talking about what you enjoy, your fantasies, etc. But, yeah... if it starts to get serious, that'd be a good time.
 
I am going to take the opposite tack. Hear me out.

If you are seeking permission to date or to have sex with other men while you are dating her, then yes, of course you have an obligation to tell her. It should be reasonably upfront before either you or she have any emotional investment in the relationship.

If you are going to remain exclusive to each other during the relationship, then I see no reason why you should or need to tell her. What difference does the gender of your prior flame make. So you date both men and women, if you are exclusive at the time, then really it is no business of your then current BF/GF.

those are my thoughts.

Topher.

I disagree, I rather be honest to her or him about myself than try to pretend to be straight or gay.
 
I disagree, I rather be honest to her or him about myself than try to pretend to be straight or gay.

I am confused now. Why do you have to pretend? As I said if you don't want to be exclusive then yes tell, but if you are exclusive, what difference does it make? Are you a different person depending on the gender you date? Maybe I am misunderstanding you intentions.

At the end of the day do what you would like others to do to you.

Best
Topher
 
I am confused now. Why do you have to pretend? As I said if you don't want to be exclusive then yes tell, but if you are exclusive, what difference does it make? Are you a different person depending on the gender you date? Maybe I am misunderstanding you intentions.

At the end of the day do what you would like others to do to you.

Best
Topher

Look, I rather just be open to her or him about my sexuality. It doesn't matter if I want to sleep with someone else or not.
 
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