Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Lord_Johnny]

I agree. Trust, honesty, and openness are absolutely essential. Without them there is no basis for a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship exists, or at what degree of intimacy.

As a complete aside, I do take pride of possession in my submissives, but if there is a feeling of just being a plaything...well there are other issues. I don't want to sidetrack this into that conversation or make assumptions as I have seen so many do about that. But, please take assurance. I don't think that having an emotional connection is wrong.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I agree. Trust, honesty, and openness are absolutely essential. Without them there is no basis for a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship exists, or at what degree of intimacy.

As a complete aside, I do take pride of possession in my submissives, but if there is a feeling of just being a plaything...well there are other issues. I don't want to sidetrack this into that conversation or make assumptions as I have seen so many do about that. But, please take assurance. I don't think that having an emotional connection is wrong.

Emotional connections aren't wrong, however,
cultivation of such when there is no hope of achieving fulfillment, is...In a word... Masochistic.

I keep my online relationships purely platonic at this point. I want no chance of any sexually charged connection with anyone half a world away from me or from Someone who *might* get to see me once a year.

I never have to worry about who you're boning when a relationship is kept platonic. With cyber "love", I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that type of fidelity exists, except in a small sampling of the population.

But then again...I'm one of those monogamy freaks you all read about who still believes in Aristophanes' definition of love.

 

[SilverBass]

Why can't you expect it to carry over?...asks someone who has.

I didn't say you never can or shouldn't, I said having that love carry over to RL is unlikely, and it is. Of course it happens sometimes, no doubt, but for those who do they are lucky as it is not the norm. This is not just based off of a few experiences personally or examples I have heard. Matter of fact really all online dating starts out exactly like what we have been talking about, whether vanilla, BDSM or anything romantic. Of course most change to RL rather quickly and for good reason, because there are huge differences between falling in love with someone you have never met vs. falling in love in the real world. And yes sometimes they can overlap, but they are different experiences and should not be confused for the same thing.

Not really related to the above but here is a story I forgot to mention earlier. A few years ago I worked with a woman who was in her early 40s. She was from the middle east and very conservative in her love life. She had previously opened up to me about it and there wasn't much there really. Anyway, she was a very hard worker and rarely was caught wasting time (we worked in a production facility). She somehow ended up on some social site at home where she met some younger man in France (we are here in the US). This was not even a dating site but for some reason she and this guy hit it off and quickly transferred over to PMing and non-sexual cyber (or at least nothing she mentioned). It did however start to get romantic and this guy was sending her poems and they'd talk and I'd start seeing her go back and forth to the computer quite a bit during the day. She start talking to others around work about this great guy she met online, and everyone was starting to talk about how nutty this woman was acting now. She was like floating, intoxicated with this feeling of romance and attention she had possibly never felt before, and certainly no time in recent years. Well lo and behold after maybe six months she arranged for a trip to France. Weeks later she came back and acted as if nothing happened. When brought up she really didn't want to talk about meeting this guy (of course everyone wanted to know). Since she and I were pretty good friends she finally opened up about it to me and said that there just wasn't anything there in person at all. A total mismatch.

Now granted, that is just one story but is an example of what I call phantom love. Don't confuse it with the real thing. This does not mean it can't transfer to the real world, it is just that it is not a direct carryover.

 

[Farawyn]

I have a friend who met a girl on Tolkien website. They fell in love in front of us all. He moved from England to the US and they were married for 7 years before getting divorced. All told, they were together 10 years.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

Emotional connections aren't wrong, however,
cultivation of such when there is no hope of achieving fulfillment, is...In a word... Masochistic.

Well, you are certainly capable of making your own decisions on some level at the very least. (Otherwise, even as a sub, you could never consent to submission) I never said or implied that anyone HAD to form an emotional bond. I said it was natural and not to be feared in and of itself.
If you desire to not do so, that's just as acceptable as someone else deciding that they wish to be open to that.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Well, you are certainly capable of making your own decisions on some level at the very least. (Otherwise, even as a sub, you could never consent to submission) I never said or implied that anyone HAD to form an emotional bond. I said it was natural and not to be feared in and of itself.
If you desire to not do so, that's just as acceptable as someone else deciding that they wish to be open to that.

true ...

At the very least.....

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Such a Bummer nobody is posting on such a wonderful topic. I'm with you IamSubmissive in that I have found an online relationship suprisily fulfilling. My biggest fear would be pics showing up someplace horrific. It requires lots of trust however I can't imagine my life without it now. it has become a part of who I am. I hope this post will pick the pace back up and maybe another sub will feel strong enough to share her experience.

 

[Farawyn]

true ...

At the very least.....

LOL!
*makes a decision to laugh. At least*

 

[Farawyn]

Such a Bummer nobody is posting on such a wonderful topic. I'm with you IamSubmissive in that I have found an online relationship suprisily fulfilling. My biggest fear would be pics showing up someplace horrific. It requires lots of trust however I can't imagine my life without it now. it has become a part of who I am. I hope this post will pick the pace back up and maybe another sub will feel strong enough to share her experience.

You just made the 57th post. What do you mean "pick back up"?

 

[Lord_Johnny]

true ...

At the very least.....

Exactly. Now, you may or may not be interested in more decision making, based on your specific interests, but there is some decision making that you make. Others are free to make their own decisions as well. Which was the reason I spoke.
Glad you are in agreement.

 

[cascadiabound]

I don't think that anyone can dispute that On line interactions are different from RL interactions. But real emotions and connections can occur in either kind of relationship.

There has been more talk here about the dangers and experiences of subs (and the strong presumptions has been female pyls) getting hurt in on line relationships throughout this thread, and certainly I have heard and know of plenty of such stories. And the hurt when it happens is very real and can be quite disruptive to people's RLs.

However, I would also like to echo what Lord Johnny said about the fact that men/ PYL's/ Doms have a lot on the line in these relationships too. I have had more conversations than I can count at this point with men who were deeply hurt by the behavior of pyls/ women/ subs that they had trusted, given some part of their heart to and when things changed or came to an end, they were unbelievably torn up over this.

I think sometimes, we (women/ subs/ pyls) underestimate the ability we have to hurt the people we interact with on line here too. We all need to have a care for each other as we interact.

 

[NewSubQuestions]

Oh my gosh I missed the other 2 pages lol silly silly me sorry guys all I was getting was the first page awwww wow

 

[Farawyn]

Oh my gosh I missed the other 2 pages lol silly silly me sorry guys all I was getting was the first page awwww wow

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Farawyn]

Agreed. And beyond this....expectations of friendships.

I have a failing that I expect people to know that when they are 'in my heart' as a friend they are just there, and I don't do well at tending friendships so well because I think people just KNOW I care. This can lead to hurt feelings I have learned when I am slow to respond to a message or when do
Wine who has a very visible on line presense in a place like this goes 'privately' quiet. Or gets 'flakey'. .

I think the visibility of such especially if the friendships or relationships cross social networks have made me consider how I am a flake and how I deal with this. I sometimes. I think that the main one is just being upfront about it. I cannot change who I am but I can let people know its not them.

You're not a flake.
Who flaked out on whom this trip?

 

[Lord_Johnny]

We all need to have a care for each other as we interact.

Didn't put it better myself.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Mrtenant]

Whether online or offline, when you interact with people, a status is inherent on what that person is to you and you to them. Be it friend, lover, acquaintance, pariah, or any combination.

Like offline, that doesnt always coincide with what we expect from each other. Expectations. Be careful of them. Communicate them to each other.

Online, that element of physical presence is missing.

In my experience, like any other sensory deprivation experience, all others will compensate. In some cases overcompensate.

We see/hear/feel sometimes things where perhaps there are none. Online, there are times when we need to see these things. We want that thing so bad.

Online can be difficult that way. Makes you question your own faculties.

Communication is indeed the key. Talk to your partner. Go slow. Build trust over time- like any other friendship. That thing you see can be verified.

Observational awareness. Listening skills. Patience. Grace.

Whether its a D/s relationship or any other, good communication and patience will help anyone.

Offline can and will take precedence at times. Be excellent to one another. Give your partner space. They will appreciate it.

Be a friend.

Treat your people right because that is who you are.

Mistakes will happen. Own them and be gracious to yourself as well. Avoid the blame game.

Be careful of absolutes. Forever is a long time. Promises you can't keep. Be good about promises you do make.

This is basic stuff really.

Are there creeps that will abuse your trust? Yes. That happens the world over, not just online.

Do not take each other for granted. People come here by choice.

Last.....but not least, build a small network of online cohorts. Even if its just one person. Someone or some people who are there and will be there for you when you stumble or are tripped up. They will help keep you sane and grounded.

And if you get time to do this....build up references on yourself, and ask for them from others. If they cant produce any, take your time. Be cautious, be smart. Look for cues and consistency.

You will enjoy yourself.

As far as D/s goes? It is what you make of it. In my experience, honesty, creativity, enthusiasm, access goes a lonnnnnng way.

Who long it will last? I do not know. That is an expectation left open. There are too many variables that can ruin the best laid of plans. We are careful about expectations. Planning. And so far, the enthusiasm, takes care of much of what I need. Makes me smile in appreciation.


Did I say anything about communication? Surely I did.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Whether online or offline, when you interact with people, a status is inherent on what that person is to you and you to them. Be it friend, lover, acquaintance, pariah, or any combination.

Like offline, that doesnt always coincide with what we expect from each other. Expectations. Be careful of them. Communicate them to each other.

Online, that element of physical presence is missing.

In my experience, like any other sensory deprivation experience, all others will compensate. In some cases overcompensate.

We see/hear/feel sometimes things where perhaps there are none. Online, there are times when we need to see these things. We want that thing so bad.

Online can be difficult that way. Makes you question your own faculties.

Communication is indeed the key. Talk to your partner. Go slow. Build trust over time- like any other friendship. That thing you see can be verified.

Observational awareness. Listening skills. Patience. Grace.

Whether its a D/s relationship or any other, good communication and patience will help anyone.

Offline can and will take precedence at times. Be excellent to one another. Give your partner space. They will appreciate it.

Be a friend.

Treat your people right because that is who you are.

Mistakes will happen. Own them and be gracious to yourself as well. Avoid the blame game.

Be careful of absolutes. Forever is a long time. Promises you can't keep. Be good about promises you do make.

This is basic stuff really.

Are there creeps that will abuse your trust? Yes. That happens the world over, not just online.

Do not take each other for granted. People come here by choice.

Last.....but not least, build a small network of online cohorts. Even if its just one person. Someone or some people who are there and will be there for you when you stumble or are tripped up. They will help keep you sane and grounded.

And if you get time to do this....build up references on yourself, and ask for them from others. If they cant produce any, take your time. Be cautious, be smart. Look for cues and consistency.

You will enjoy yourself.

As far as D/s goes? It is what you make of it. In my experience, honesty, creativity, enthusiasm, access goes a lonnnnnng way.

Who long it will last? I do not know. That is an expectation left open. There are too many variables that can ruin the best laid of plans. We are careful about expectations. Planning. And so far, the enthusiasm, takes care of much of what I need. Makes me smile in appreciation.


Did I say anything about communication? Surely I did.

I'm betting you learned a lot about life in kindergarten, too.

 

[Mrtenant]

I'm betting you learned a lot about life in kindergarten, too.

I still eat crayons too.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Mrtenant]

Build references on yourself? Suggest others take references from other posters on you?

I don't know. One of my very dearest lit friends is someone I was 'warned off'. That doesn't mean I do not believe the person who gave me information about that person did not feel grievance, I do and will not hear word against that person even though we are not in contact any more. However we form relationships differently to different boundaries and different expectations and experience. I don't say I ignore that information I was given, I can see how it might have happened. Shrug; but there is more than one truth sometimes. I think there is a truth between what either party would tell me if I cared to go into it ( I do not).

Someone also raised their eyebrows about another friend from here and I said 'no, I love them, I don't want to hear it thank you'.

Again; how people relate, the expectations people have of others and do on is different. I don't look for people like me, only people who I can share something with... an enjoyment of something, an outlook. So I like to make my own opinion.

I have met people on lit who I would be sad to lose from my life, who I hope will be in my life forevef and regardless will be in my heart forever. Some are not keen on each other. This is not so odd I think, it's life. I also expect to not be liked by everyone.

Twice I have asked the same person for opinions on whether to give someone details off site for me, simply because they have been around longer and the other people have asked before I know so well how I feel but liked well enough not to shut down. I would also have been comfortable telling them 'not yet'.

I think a big thing is to respect the 'not yet's or 'no's. I am particularly grateful ( not about relationships but friendships) when male lit friends recognise i am not available and acknowledge Gianbattista and suggest he is around when we speak when they are keen to talk and say hi to him . And the first person from lit I spoke to first started exchanging voice messages with me, much less scary than initial dialogue . We did this for a while like leaving voice mail until I was excited to speak in real time. I can imagine this working well for an online relationship too, especially with shy people or people in different time zones

Those are valid points about references. I guess also a good place to be is also be generous and give someone the benefit of doubt. No system is perfect.


There are people on Lit I cant bear to be around, yet others love them. Its relative. We all do the best we can.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I still eat crayons too.

Other than your crayon eating habit, the rest of your advice was solid and appreciated. Thanks!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

fail o contact people I adore because I just think they know I care, meanwhile they ( I find out later,) are hurt and upset or cross. I can go. Few years with out talking to someone and think all is fine Or worry because I haven't heard for half a day. I have a slightly odd concept of time.

Oddly enough, I am this way in RL...I have many friends, or relatives even, that I go years without contact or returning calls just because life is busy and time flies. I assume they know I care, and when they confront me about it is always in a joking way. Plus, they know I'm flaky too. Buy with online people, a few days of no contact and I'm freaking out...go figure.

 

[SilverBass]

Oddly enough, I am this way in RL...I have many friends, or relatives even, that I go years without contact or returning calls just because life is busy and time flies. I assume they know I care, and when they confront me about it is always in a joking way. Plus, they know I'm flaky too. Buy with online people, a few days of no contact and I'm freaking out...go figure.[/QUOTE]

Makes PERFECT sense. I think because you know your RL relationships are based on reality and time and history together. Though real established relationships can certainly happen online, the foundation is often different and we all know that it would be so easy to just disappear from someone's life when all it has been is a cyber relationship. There is a certain insecurity there. In RL we know we can walk down the street and maybe run in to them, or the next town or we grew up with them or at work or wherever. There is THERE there. Online can feel like smoke and mirrors and *poof*. Makes sense to feel more insecure about online relationships.