Angela Ivy Bloom looking for feedback

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

Hoping this isn't an inappropriate place to ask this, but I was wondering what people on here thought about my stories. I want to make stories that people appreciate. I'm finding myself pretty prolific in my writing, and I was hoping to find some constructive criticism so I can make my stories better in the future. If anyone has some constructive criticism about my style or my subject matter I would greatly appreciate some pointers to make my work better. Just please be kind. I've just started putting my work out there. My ratings haven't been horrible, and I've gotten some favorites, but I know i can do better. Please be kind. Thank you!

 

[Sammael Bard]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2624449&page=submissions

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

Thank you, Soulful Bard. Didn't think about linking my thread to my stories.

 

[robertreams]

There is way too much of it. Every single moment of the"story" is over explained. Generally in fiction writing, we reveal our characters personalities, their likes and dislikes by their actions. Not by talking about their actions but having them DO things. Our readers then learn who our characters are by watching how they respond to what they do and what is done to them.

What is lacking in you story is a story. Believe me there are plenty of words. But no action. None.

If this manuscript were cut back by about 50% it would be an interesting "apologia", but it isn't a story because nothing happens. Out narrator talks about things happening. There is conflict, but it doesn't occur, it is talked about.

Well, I think you got the point.

You are very careless with your pronouns. "It" "They", etc. should not be used to refer to paragraphs of information, but only to individual things. instea of "it" you need to say tings such as, "this tendency toward guilt, was. . .

I empathize entirely with your protagonist, except for dressing up and wanting a vagina. He could very easily have been me in my early life.

That said, your protagonists is a self centered egotist, who is so shallow he despises the body of his own wife. I suppose if this shallowness is intended, it is okay, but I don't like him much. I think he needs to get of the pity pot and try reaching out to what others might feel. I saw no reference in all that verbiage to the feelings of others, no empathy, a budding sociopath.

 

[lovecraft68]

Take Roberts last remark as a compliment, your character elicited emotion from him, he apparently despises him, so you affected him as a reader. Even when its a negative reaction its a reaction and you don't get those with boring crappy characters.

So take some positive from Roberts usual over the top "you suck" spew.

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

Thank you both

I understand that I can't make everyone happy. There are plenty of very successful writers, artist, musicians, actors, directors, etc whose work I can't stomach. Everyone has their own opinion about things, but I was definitely shooting for a mess with "Hell Hath No Fury." If all stories required characters that were likable and believable there would be a lot less art out there.

Also I've heard from a number of men who like my stories a lot. I base a lot of my writing on things I've heard them tell me they like. Plus all you have to do is look at modern porn videos to know that story isn't terribly important to most consumers.

 

[robertreams]

lovecraft, you prevaricate. I have never told anyone they or their writing "sucks" quite the contrary I try to encourage the positive nature of writers, as you pointed out in your post. That having been said, I doubt if Angela intended her character to be soulless. I was trying to point out that I wanted desperately to empathize with her character, but couldn't because he didn't interact with others. As I have seen many other say here in their important feedback: Don't tell us about it, show us. I am not the first to say so and I guarantee I will not be the only one to say so abut this story. If she wants to improve, she will listen to criticisms, if she thinks good enough is good enough, then that is what it will always be. Can she honestly say she reread and rewrote the piece more than once?

Here is an excerpt from my critique of another writer's work:

QUOTE "Just a few suggestions (and only a small sample) to get rid of some dead wood, 'then's and 'that's and 'and's and 'begun's and 'started's; tighten up some run-ons and hopefully speed the pace. You may not agree, certainly you are pretty good already, but if I were to make changes:" Not a single "you suck".

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

Hi, Robert.

No, I intended the story to read as it does. I think a lot of people misunderstand this story. I think it's especially unfortunate that Hell Hath No Fury is critiqued as if it is my story, as if I am the one telling the story. It makes me wonder if it's been read all the way to the end. Because if you read it all the way to the end you see that I did not write the story. The protagonist wrote the story. This story is the book that he created to counteract his ex-wife's blackmail. If I wrote a story about a female busdriver who went to prison for selling drugs to minors, who then broke out of prison and was on the run. Being a high school dropout and a heroin user, and writing it in first person, I doubt she would tell her story the same as this protagonist. Her vocabulary would be different, her way of seeing things would be different, her style of storytelling would be different.

Hell Hath No Fury is not a true story. There is some truth to it, yes. A lot of the facts came from my brother's life, Ivan. At one point he told me he wanted to strangle his ex for taking his son away. That was years ago, and everything is better now. But then I saw Breaking Bad, and I got the idea of putting the two ideas together. By the end of that story I found it hard to empathize with any of the characters. They were all corrupt or on their way to being corrupted. Or at least they were all just stupid if nothing else. But that doesn't mean the story was bad. It was sort of a fantastical look at life much the way Frank Miller writes. Dark.

Still, I think my protagonist's story creates at least one opportunity to empathize with a character. Obviously the protagonist is a little crazy. Obviously he has a huge ego. But then he has this female persona he senses in him. Maybe he's transexual, but there's also a real possibility he has a split personality. And it is this secret personality that is going to help him get revenge. Revenge for what? For letters his ex is holding to blackmail him. But you have to stop and ask yourself something. What about these letters? He himself admits she never directly threatened to tell his family about his sexual insecurities. Was her blackmail all in his head? She just brings up the fact that she still has his letters. This should make one wonder if these letters are the only letters he's ever written her before. Perhaps, but unlikely. Apparently the guy has trouble sharing his feelings verbally. It wouldn't be hard to imagine that these letters are less than one percent of what he wrote her years ago when they were falling in love. It's likely in fact that she has a whole stack of love letters that he wrote her back in the day, and that these are the letters she kept bringing up during their relationship. She may not have been blackmailing him after all. Sure, she was lazy and had other issues. She was no heroine. But maybe the guy really was crazy, and she finally had enough of him, and she just left him. And she took the boy away because she was afraid for his safety. But we don't get to hear that as the reader because he's the one who wrote the story. It's his perspective. He obviously left out huge swaths of facts in something written in so few words. He has an agenda.

What's hilarious is the comments I get about me as if I went through all of this myself. Yet at the end of the tale the protagonist states that he has become a famous erotica author, and that his books have sold very well. And yet they can see my name is Angela Ivy Bloom, and I'm not famous at all. I've only published a few short stories, and I'm not well known at all. On the other hand maybe I should take it as a compliment that I was able to write a story that sounded so authentic in its tone that people are willing to blast my characters and their behaviors. Yeah, I think I'll do the latter.

 

[robertreams]

I never hinted that it was your story, that is to say autoboiographical, nor did I ever think so. But as you went on this time to explain it even further, it is too much explanation and not enough action. Sorry, I think it would be more interesting to read if there were more action, tastes, touches, smells, etc.
You have the option of writing however you wish, and I give my feedback as a writer and reader, but also as person who has been doing this for man many years as a writer, teacher, editor. So You may reject my opinion, of course you have that right, it is your story. But I never said nor intended to say that your story sucked, but only to give my informed opinion how to better it. Don't take offense at that. Ii understand, what you mean, how you meant to go about it. I just don't think it's the best approach. We just don't agree.

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

That's okay. You didn't say it sucked. The other poster said you said it. I don't mind hearing that it sucked though. There are lots of books by famous authors, movies, TV shows, comics, music, etc by lots of famous people that I don't care for. And there are a lot of the same that I love and people think they're terrible. And that's okay. People are different and we all look for different things in our entertainment. I just thank you for saying something at all. It's hard to get feedback. It's 8000 words, and just my second story I've ever published so I wasn't expecting rave reviews. I think it's interesting that it's nonerotic and rating at about a 3, yet my stories about sex between unicorns and fairies and another about women getting penises are rated around a 4 with a number of people favoriting them. I'm sort of getting a feel for things I guess. I'll probably stick with those types of stories and see how my style and subject matter evolve.

I have thought about revisiting Hell Hath No Fury in the future. I'm sure with time my writing will evolve and maybe after I've gotten some more experience I can look at it again and see if I can take it in a new direction. Thank you again for your feedback. Don't think I don't appreciate it.

 

[MyRubiLips]

Bard, I thought Lit authors were not allowed to post a story to Lit, or part of a story, etc, that was for sale at Amazon or other locales...

 

[Sammael Bard]

Bard, I thought Lit authors were not allowed to post a story to Lit, or part of a story, etc, that was for sale at Amazon or other locales...

AFAIK,

If it's the *same* author posting his/her story/stories on Lit, they're good to go. Lit has no rule against posting of stories that has been posted/are on sale elsewhere. If the author willingly violates some clause (that he/she shouldn't be posting stories elsewhere) of his/her publisher's T&C, that's their individual problem.

As long as it's not plagiarised, you can submit any story that are within Lit submission guidelines.

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

I'm so sorry if I've violated any rules. I read over the policies when I signed up. I'm totally self-published. I'm totally new at this too. If I've violated any rules I will gladly take my stories off of Amazon/Smashwords to keep them up here. I'm getting a lot more exposure here than I am anywhere else. I just want people to read my stuff.

 

[Learin]

I'm so sorry if I've violated any rules. I read over the policies when I signed up. I'm totally self-published. I'm totally new at this too. If I've violated any rules I will gladly take my stories off of Amazon/Smashwords to keep them up here. I'm getting a lot more exposure here than I am anywhere else. I just want people to read my stuff.

Good news is, you're not breaking any rules.

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

I just about had a heart attack when I thought I'd screwed up. I really want to succeed as an erotica author. Sorry if I caused any problems. I work really hard to write these stories. I just want readers to enjoy what I'm doing. I haven't sold a single story yet. Well, except for the copies I've bought. I apologize for any trouble I've caused. I hope there are no hard feelings.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

I just about had a heart attack when I thought I'd screwed up. I really want to succeed as an erotica author. Sorry if I caused any problems. I work really hard to write these stories. I just want readers to enjoy what I'm doing. I haven't sold a single story yet. Well, except for the copies I've bought. I apologize for any trouble I've caused. I hope there are no hard feelings.

relax.

 

[Angela_Ivy_Bloom]

Relaxing.

 

[robertreams]

don't expect non-erotic to score well. I have one that's holding 4.85 but the rest are in the 3's. Many of my erotic stories(about half) get the red h, (4.5) but as far as I can tell their is no way to tell whether a story will rate or not. And I don't know the secret for getting people to read, either.

 

[8letters]

I mostly read incest, so I took a look at your "Transfigured by Passion" story. I read the "FEEDING" and "OUR SOCIETY" chapters.

First off, I feel you miscategorized it. I strikes me as a Sci-Fi story. I don't read Sci-Fi, so I take the following comments with a grain of salt:
* I think it would have been better to start introducing your world in Chapter 1. Chapter 1 could have taken place in "the real world". I would guess that for Sci-Fi, how your world shapes relationships and events (like the food the narrator eats) is an important of the appeal (but I don't really know as I don't read Sci-Fi)
* Kathy should have been introduced earlier with some sexual tension building between her and the narrator. The build up is want I look for in stories
* Breastfeeding can be really erotic, but it didn't come across that way to me because there wasn't a sexual element to it

Hope that helps.

 

[hashtag45]

Quick question:

Are these type of threads geared mainly towards fellow writers/authors or can readers participate too? (their impressions etc.)

Thanks

 

[lovecraft68]

Quick question:

Are these type of threads geared mainly towards fellow writers/authors or can readers participate too? (their impressions etc.)

Thanks

Its an open forum and the readers are who authors are trying to reach so of course you can participate.

 

[hashtag45]

Its an open forum and the readers are who authors are trying to reach so of course you can participate.

I thought so too. I won't flood the threads but I would enjoy participating from time to time
thx.

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought so too. I won't flood the threads but I would enjoy participating from time to time
thx.

No worries you are just as entitled to tell me my stories suck as any author!

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Quick question:

Are these type of threads geared mainly towards fellow writers/authors or can readers participate too? (their impressions etc.)

Thanks

can't speak for the OP, but for me, as long as it isn't feedback of the 'you suck' variety - or text type - a viewpoint is valid. perhaps a reader's opinion matters more?

 

[Dream_Operator]

can't speak for the OP, but for me, as long as it isn't feedback of the 'you suck' variety - or text type - a viewpoint is valid. perhaps a reader's opinion matters more?

I've often wondered about the same thing. I think as an author you notice things a non-writer doesn't. I don't read much stuff on Lit anymore, but when I do I find myself thinking about correcting errors or how I would have (re)written it.

I think a lot of readers don't notice these things or don't particularly care, especially with Erotic writing.