Honest Opinions, Please

[Addicted2Writing]

Hi, guys. I am thinking of posting this on Kindle just to see what happens. I would love some constructive feedback before I do post there.

It's about Gayle who accepts a job as a maid to Hamish in Scotland for six months, and gets more than she bargained for. Please note that the first chapter is only the set-up and that it's BDSM, but nothing too heavy.

Here is the link. http://www.literotica.com/s/aprons-for-gayle-ch-01

Please let me know!

Many thanks!

A2W

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The good news: LIT gals will love it. Its red meat to them.

The bad news: Its larded with adverbs, tangential points, and ignorance of punctuation.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

Ouch

"Ignorance of punctuation" was a little harsh, considering your opinion also was 'ignorant' in punctuation. Not very constructive, but thanks.

 

[PennLady]

I skimmed a bit of the first page. Your punctuation is fine, although I would agree you could use fewer adverbs. That said, I don't think you went too overboard with them. I would also point out that you should write our your numbers. Gayle should be twenty-two but feel forty; Catelyn should be nineteen, etc.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

PennLady

Thanks! I have a co-author and we went back and forth with that, but you are right.

 

[sr71plt]

You're eleven chapters into this, with all high ratings, views, comments, and favorites. Is it really a question whether you could make an e-book out of it? You aren't confident enough in your writing with all that support that you need strangers on a bulletin board to confirm that it could be self-published?

Agree that I found nothing wrong in the punctuation of what I saw. (Other than, if this is to be done in the American system, quote levels always start out with double quotes for every use of quotes, not single.) And, yes, the numbers under 100 should be written out.

I also don't fully agree with the commenters on the first chapter who gushed that it is great to start out with background only. That's not really the commercial style. It would be better to mix in some meaningful activity (more meaningful activity than you have) at the beginning and let some of the background that isn't urgent drift in later--if you want to make a good commercial book out of it (and since that's the question you asked).

 

[Addicted2Writing]

Thank you

Yes, I know it's rated high, etc., but I am bit of a perfectionist, and if people are going to be paying for an e-book I want it perfect (or as perfect as possible). Yes, I am confident in my writing. It is not a matter of getting strangers to confirm it's good enough. As I've just said, I want it perfect. Thus asking for constructive criticism -- so I can make it better.

Chapter 1 is indeed the set-up, so the interaction between the two characters don't start until she actually goes to Scotland. But I do understand what you meant about meaningful activity. I just didn't go from Virginia to Scotland in one chapter.

Thank you for your thoughts! They are appreciated.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

"Ignorance of punctuation" was a little harsh, considering your opinion also was 'ignorant' in punctuation. Not very constructive, but thanks.

I think our ace editors need to look at your punctuation again.

 

[robertreams]

I saw lttle problem with punctuation and no problem at all with adverbs. My problem is boredom. Do we really need a point by point contract, all the details all the waiting, and still nothing? I am not some youngster who demands instant gratification, but really I was nearly asleep by the time I reached page three. I need sex or conflict or some kind of interest as enticemaent to keep reading.

You area n excellent writer, technically, but please give us something, a fantasy, a lonely masturbation, something. It is supposed to be EROTIC.

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, I know it's rated high, etc., but I am bit of a perfectionist, and if people are going to be paying for an e-book I want it perfect (or as perfect as possible). Yes, I am confident in my writing. It is not a matter of getting strangers to confirm it's good enough. As I've just said, I want it perfect. Thus asking for constructive criticism -- so I can make it better.

Chapter 1 is indeed the set-up, so the interaction between the two characters don't start until she actually goes to Scotland. But I do understand what you meant about meaningful activity. I just didn't go from Virginia to Scotland in one chapter.

Thank you for your thoughts! They are appreciated.

There's no such thing as perfect copy even in mainstream publishing. It just begins to look like gluttony for someone to be asking for more when they're already getting a lot with the story.

 

[sr71plt]

I think our ace editors need to look at your punctuation again.

You would be more believable if you gave copious examples--especially as, the OP rightly calling you on this, your own use of punctuation approaches the illiterate.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You would be more believable if you gave copious examples--especially as, the OP rightly calling you on this, your own use of punctuation approaches the illiterate.

Your new name is ACE. Read the story and you'll see all the puncrtuation errors.

 

[lovecraft68]

Your new name is ACE. Read the story and you'll see all the puncrtuation errors.

Nah, scouries has been calling him ace for years

 

[lovecraft68]

To the OP, when I clicked on this I realized I had read the first two chapters when they were new. Just haven't had a lot of time to read because at some point I plan on going back to it.

I think its a good story and I didn't mind background first, but I'm story over action in my personal taste. I think its got great potential as an e-book and trust me if you preview some stuff on amazon you will see very few people are perfectionists.

There is a school of thought that some action up front(so people who can download a percentage can see some "good stuff") might not be a bad idea, but its your story and I, like you, don't usually "start hot" and feel that is selling out.

What you can do is put a brief excerpt before the beginning of the story and paste a couple of paragraphs from a sex scene to make the reader go "Oh" then they can see some of the story. That way they get a teaser of action, but then get to see where it starts.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

love craft...

...Excellent idea! I will do that if I decide to make it into an ebook. Thank You!

 

[Addicted2Writing]

sr71plt

As I said in my original post, I wanted thoughts whether it is ebook worthy.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

james johnson...

,...........

 

[lovecraft68]

Give me five examples on punctuation!

The contract is supposed to be in parenthesis not quotes because she isn't reading it out loud.

Just an opinion, but for things like a letter, contract, text conversation, etc....

I use italics to help the reader know its a written document or written conversation.

 

[sr71plt]

As I said in my original post, I wanted thoughts whether it is ebook worthy.

Then I guess I'd have to say probably not--because the world of e-booking isn't a happy place for the timid or those who don't have confidence in what they write.

 

[sr71plt]

Your new name is ACE. Read the story and you'll see all the puncrtuation errors.

Yep, just as I thought. You can't point them out because your slam had nothing to do with what was really there.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

Lovecraft

Just an opinion, but for things like a letter, contract, text conversation, etc....

I use italics to help the reader know its a written document or written conversation.

I've never been able to submit a document directly on Lit and the italics hold - always changes back to normal text.

I've had to copy and paste and the italics are all gone. Therefore all the 'he thought' and 'she thought' are in parenthesis.

The formats have been .doc and .odt, as the website says but no luck - I get a message it's not acceptable format.

Prior attempts to the mods on another issue have not been fruitful so I don't even want to try to email them.

 

[sr71plt]

I've never been able to submit a document directly on Lit and the italics hold - always changes back to normal text.

I've had to copy and paste and the italics are all gone. Therefore all the 'he thought' and 'she thought' are in parenthesis.

The formats have been .doc and .odt, as the website says but no luck - I get a message it's not acceptable format.

In copy and paste, you have to set the codes: <I> to start italics and </I> to end them.

 

[Addicted2Writing]

Omg!!!

It worked! Thank you SO much! You get a brownie!!

 

[Addicted2Writing]

never mind

.................

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Yep, just as I thought. You can't point them out because your slam had nothing to do with what was really there.

Hey ACE? Go study some punctuation, read the story, and get back to me.