the marks of a slave

[AimeeLamis]

Thank you. I usually feel very lucky, but . . .

He doesn't like me very much right now. I am disappointing him, and annoying him. Maybe everything in his life is disappointing him . . .

But I don't want to do the things that would make him feel better.

And he doesn't want to bother to "make me."

Last night, we're out together. We sit across from each other and barely say a word. Fortunately there's music playing, but he doesn't like it. (I bought the tickets this time, for professional reasons.) On the way home, he walks ten feet in front of me, and though he glances back once to make sure I'm following, he only speaks to me when he can't find the hotel he's looking for.

I stand outside on the sidewalk, while he goes inside.

Oh sweetie I know what you mean. However, we must remember that our Master's happiness is paramount. It's directly tied to our own. If he doesn't feel like making you, perhaps you should take the initiative and do it on your own.

You are very lucky to have a Master like the one you've described in this thread. I'm sure he's trained you well. Call on your training and get to work making him happy. If life is disappointing him, you shouldn't.

Take it from a girl who's looking for a new Master, but has to settle for a cyber one, a good Master is very hard to find. I hope things get better for you soon. Keep me posted.

 

[ownedsubgal]

But I don't want to do the things that would make him feel better.

why? do they go against who you are as a slave?

 

[eastern sun]

our Master's happiness is paramount. It's directly tied to our own.

This is true. But sometimes I wish it weren't.

 

[eastern sun]

If he doesn't feel like making you, perhaps you should take the initiative and do it on your own.

And I will. We have been here before.

If he reaches the stage where he doesn't want to be bothered, he really doesn't want to be bothered. And will find his entertainment elsewhere.

On the other hand, when I take even the smallest steps in the direction he wants me to move in, he'll soften and share himself with me again.

 

[AimeeLamis]

And I will. We have been here before.

If he reaches the stage where he doesn't want to be bothered, he really doesn't want to be bothered. And will find his entertainment elsewhere.

On the other hand, when I take even the smallest steps in the direction he wants me to move in, he'll soften and share himself with me again.

At least you've been there before and you can find comfort in knowing you made it through in the past.

Good luck. Don't lose a good Master, they are very hard to find. Take those small steps and I'm sure things will be fine.

 

[eastern sun]

why? do they go against who you are as a slave?

No. Not at all. I'm just being ornery (which is why he doesn't like me).

I've never felt slavery implied the need to be nice.

The truth is, we're both turned on by "mean."

On the other hand, being bad-tempered and combative can have its drawbacks.

Sometimes he likes watching me obey him in spite of my obvious discomfort.
Sometimes he likes snapping me out of that mindset with a bit of sharp pain.
Sometimes he likes reminding me that what I think about anything is irrelevant.
And sometimes he just doesn't want to be bothered and withdraws.

Because I love him, I will check myself. I know how to please him. I know what he wants. And when I offer it to him, he will return.

As his slave, I do not expect him to make me feel better. Instead, I will change my behavior. He will feel better. And, then, so will I.

 

[eastern sun]

At least you've been there before and you can find comfort in knowing you made it through in the past.

Good luck. Don't lose a good Master, they are very hard to find. Take those small steps and I'm sure things will be fine.

Shhh... don't tell anyone, but I have thought on occasion, it would be GREAT to be freed.

Fortunately, he snapped me out of those lapses in judgement by giving me the very freedom I thought I wanted.

 

[BiBunny]

Oh sweetie I know what you mean. However, we must remember that our Master's happiness is paramount. It's directly tied to our own. If he doesn't feel like making you, perhaps you should take the initiative and do it on your own.

I don't know about that. Sometimes, there's a fine line between "Master" and spoiled, obnoxious, immature, whining child. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and all that.

 

[eastern sun]

Correction: I make it sound like he was avoiding me. He wasn't. I could have kept up, if I'd wanted to.

"If you want to write fiction, go ahead."

 

[rida]

Correction: I make it sound like he was avoiding me. He wasn't. I could have kept up, if I'd wanted to.

"If you want to write fiction, go ahead."

I'm always amazed at how two people will interpret a given situation and give it different meanings and intentions.

I've been known to work myself up in a fit over a perceived misplaced anger on the part of my Hubby and then I explode and confront him, to just be told that he was not mad with/ignoring me.

But part of me wonders if the reality is that, the Domly ones, when are confronted with the truth of a not totally mature behavior, the just go the "deny, deny, always deny" route. Because, I mean, I cannot be wrong each single time ... right?

As for taking the first step in making things better in the relationship, it is hard. Even after having accepted my submissive role (he would say slave role) in the marriage, and knowing that the word "fair" does not belong to our vocabulary, it still is hard.

And the more I wait for that first step, the harder it gets and the heavier it feels. Sometime I wonder if the struggles, the battles it is not all my own construct. But then it goes back to ... I cannot be always the one that is wrong ... right?

 

[HottieMama]

But part of me wonders if the reality is that, the Domly ones, when are confronted with the truth of a not totally mature behavior, the just go the "deny, deny, always deny" route. Because, I mean, I cannot be wrong each single time ... right?

RIGHT! I thinks it's easier for them...and for all of us really, to just deny instead of admitting fault. Lord knows the HusDom only admits fault when I forget all my good sense and scream until he's backed into a corner.

 

[BiBunny]

RIGHT! I thinks it's easier for them...and for all of us really, to just deny instead of admitting fault. Lord knows the HusDom only admits fault when I forget all my good sense and scream until he's backed into a corner.

I honestly don't know how y'all deal with that. I couldn't.

 

[eastern sun]

My husband read my posts last night, and said "you're trying to make me look bad."

Maybe I am trying to make him look bad. Maybe I'm trying to make myself look good.

Truthfully, he doesn't hold any exclusive right to bad behavior as the dominant party in the relationship. I have just as much right, and believe me, I exercise my rights freely.

It is true that over the years, I feel like I'm the one who takes the first step to mend rifts. And I believe that the M/s structure does provide a context where that dynamic makes sense and is appropriate.

But, honestly, I'm only going to notice the tiny steps I make. What if he's making tiny steps and I'm too busy holding my grudge to see them? I'm sure that happens.

Like last night, I know he came home when he would have rather stayed out. And when he gets home, the kids and I are watching a movie that doesn't interest him. So he logs onto the computer, and reads my posts. When the movie's over, I join him . . . and post the correction, which incidentally makes me feel better, because the truth does include both of our perspectives.

He goes downstairs and puts on his own movie, and after settling my daughter in bed, I join him. I start taking the "first small steps." And after a few minutes, he comments "you're sure changing your tune." We smile and watch the movie, holding hands.

Because slavery, as a fantasy, is painted in such extreme colors, with cold, cruel masters and abused slaves writhing in pain, it's easy to see the slave as a victim of the very circumstances s/he helped to create.

But you have to ask, how does it suit me to paint our behavior in those colors?

 

[StrayKat]

Because slavery, as a fantasy, is painted in such extreme colors, with cold, cruel masters and abused slaves writhing in pain, it's easy to see the slave as a victim of the very circumstances s/he helped to create.

I was in relationship with clinically diagnosed psychopath; the coldest and cruelest person you can imagine. Yet I witnessed him acting like normal caring human being several times (to his dog only but nevertheless).

 

[BiBunny]

My opinion--and it's only mine, and it only applies to my relationship, so nobody get upset, k?--is, if you're going to make me so emotionally dependent on you that I can't function without your approval and support, then you damn well are responsible for my happiness and emotional well-being simply because it is so tied up in you. And if you're not willing to take on that responsibility, then a.) you have no business saying you want to "enslave" me, and b.) I wouldn't want to be your "slave," anyway.

That is one of the real problems I have with the notion of slavery and why I really sway back and forth on whether I identify with it or not. The business of slave ownership, in my eyes, is a huge responsibility, and I don't think those who would call themselves owners can pick and choose which responsibilities they want to fulfill and which they want to ignore. It's a sort of M/s noblesse oblige, in my eyes. You want the power, then you have to take the crap that comes with it, whether you want the crap or not. It's immature and irresponsible to refuse to shoulder it.

But I know most people into BDSM slavery don't agree, and that's cool. I hesitate to align myself with M/s largely for that reason.

/soapbox

 

[eastern sun]

You want the power, then you have to take the crap that comes with it, whether you want the crap or not. It's immature and irresponsible to refuse to shoulder it.

I agree with you here, BiBunny.

Then you get into the many differing opinions on how that "crap" should be handled.

 

[WriterDom]

Sad is the slave who bears no marks

 

[eastern sun]

the hook to hang our new anthem on -

You can be the hammer. And I will be the nail.
As long as you keep pounding me, our love will never fail.

 

[eastern sun]

I was in relationship with clinically diagnosed psychopath; the coldest and cruelest person you can imagine. Yet I witnessed him acting like normal caring human being several times (to his dog only but nevertheless).

How long did this relationship last?

(Both my husband and I chose someone much "nicer" than our usual pick to marry. And, have on occasion been disappointed by the lack of that edgier, more dangerous experience. On the other hand, our marriage has lasted a long time. It's much easier to add the risk, than remove it.)

 

[StrayKat]

How long did this relationship last?

(Both my husband and I chose someone much "nicer" than our usual pick to marry. And, have on occasion been disappointed by the lack of that edgier, more dangerous experience. On the other hand, our marriage has lasted a long time. It's much easier to add the risk, than remove it.)

About a year, but we were never "in love", it was just mutual exploitation and sex. He had fun in thinking he was making my life miserable and I used him as a support to get out of something that was actually making me miserable.

I got out unscarred because I was smarter and watchful..... but I can only imagine how really nasty that relationship could have been. It was tempting for me to let go though, thank God I have good control or it could have ended really badly. For some reason we brought out the worst in each other.

 

[eastern sun]

if you're going to make me so emotionally dependent on you that I can't function without your approval and support, then you damn well are responsible for my happiness and emotional well-being simply because it is so tied up in you.

Though I know that emotional dependence is a factor in many M/s relationships, I wonder if it is a defining factor.

I am financially dependent, but I don't feel emotionally dependent. In fact, in the long run, I have found that grappling with the overt demands of "slavery" has actually made me stronger and more independent emotionally.

My husband does not believe that my happiness and well-being are his responsibility. He figures it's my job to keep me happy. By the same token, he's more tolerant of the times when I'm unhappy because he doesn't feel it reflects any failure on his part (and will take offense if I try to imply otherwise).

I'm curious . . . How many people share the opinion that "slavery" is defined by emotional dependence?

(I'm wondering if this is one of those moments where everyone else can see something that is invisible to me.)

 

[BiBunny]

Though I know that emotional dependence is a factor in many M/s relationships, I wonder if it is a defining factor.

I am financially dependent, but I don't feel emotionally dependent. In fact, in the long run, I have found that grappling with the overt demands of "slavery" has actually made me stronger and more independent emotionally.

My husband does not believe that my happiness and well-being are his responsibility. He figures it's my job to keep me happy. By the same token, he's more tolerant of the times when I'm unhappy because he doesn't feel it reflects any failure on his part (and will take offense if I try to imply otherwise).

I'm curious . . . How many people share the opinion that "slavery" is defined by emotional dependence?

(I'm wondering if this is one of those moments where everyone else can see something that is invisible to me.)

I don't think you're missing anything.

I think I'm just kind of weird. 'Cause, honestly, most people are going to say, "I'm independent, I do fine on my own, I don't *need* someone in control of my life, I have a dominant personality, I could live fine without him/her, etc."

Some of those things are true of me as well. I'm pretty independent, as far as things like living alone and having a job go, and I do ok on my own. But my slavery--if that's what you want to call it--is defined by emotional dependence and always has been. My Owners encourage it.

Maybe it's a function of the fact that I tend to be easier to manipulate than many other people. But I have lived without my Master before, and I know how I spiral into self-destruction without his influence. He and Mistress are like demi-gods to me, as I have said before, and I could no more live well without them than I could without my actual God.

I sincerely doubt most people feel that way, so I don't think you're missing anything at all.

 

[eastern sun]

I think I'm just kind of weird. 'Cause, honestly, most people are going to say, "I'm independent, I do fine on my own, I don't *need* someone in control of my life, I have a dominant personality, I could live fine without him/her, etc."

Some of those things are true of me as well. I'm pretty independent, as far as things like living alone and having a job go, and I do ok on my own. But my slavery--if that's what you want to call it--is defined by emotional dependence and always has been. My Owners encourage it.

Maybe it's a function of the fact that I tend to be easier to manipulate than many other people. But I have lived without my Master before, and I know how I spiral into self-destruction without his influence. He and Mistress are like demi-gods to me, as I have said before, and I could no more live well without them than I could without my actual God.

I don't think you're alone in feeling this way, Bunny.

Do you feel like your Owners save you from your own self-destructive behavior? How do they do this? And how does it feel to be dependent in this way?


(edited to add the ironic fact that I have never lived alone)

 

[BiBunny]

I don't think you're alone in feeling this way, Bunny.

Do you feel like your Owners save you from your own self-destructive behavior? How do they do this? And how does it feel to be dependent in this way?


(edited to add the ironic fact that I have never lived alone)

Yes, they do. I wish I could say that the day they came in my life, it was so beautiful and great and wonderful that I never had the desire to do anything stupid ever again. That's not the case, though.

Master told me once that I'm the most spiteful person he's ever met. That doesn't sound terribly flattering, but he's right. Not in the hateful sort of way that the word has come to mean, but in the meanings of the root word: full of spite. Cutting off my nose to spite my face kind of thing.

I will intentionally fuck up perfectly good things because I'm upset about something. I have no idea where this came from; the pattern extends back as long as I can remember. I'm like the horse that will hurt itself, kill itself, to hurt others. I don't know why.

They do control it. Like I said, I wish I could say that once I met them, I never did anything horrible again, but that'd be a huge lie. They've gotten the brunt of it quite a few times.

Somehow, the frequency has decreased, though. I don't try to leave anymore because I know I can't really function without them. Life is better with them, so why try to leave?

I wish I could tell you how they do it, but I don't understand it. They don't "punish" me for doing these things because they know it would be counter-productive. It's like somehow they render these actions of mine useless.

I know that doesn't make much sense. Here's an example. They've told me several times that I can leave if I want, but that they'll just come get me. So why go to all the trouble of leaving if I know they'll come after me? That's kind of a waste of time, right? Why not spend that time in more useful ways, like trying to talk to them about what's bothering me?

It's a very secure and stable existence, which is something I've never really had. No matter what I do, they're a step ahead of me, so I don't have to waste all my time planning for "What will I do if 'x' happens?" I can focus on other things that are more important.

I've walked on eggshells my whole life, and when I grew tired of it, I'd go do something stupid. I don't do that with them because there's no need to walk on eggshells. They want me precisely because I am a slave/pet/little girl/what-have-you. There's no need for them to try to transform me into something different, thus no need for me to run or otherwise act stupid to escape expectations that I know I can't live up to.

I wrote a blog for them this morning while I was up working. At the end, I noted that I've pretty much spent my whole life running. At the time, I didn't realize I was running from people too weak to keep me, own me, and be responsible for me in the ways that I needed. But I don't think I was just running from those people. I was also running to my Master and Mistress. I just didn't know it at the time.

 

[insert____here]

i have a question as a noobie and as a person who truly loves language...

slavery: to do be forced to something to suit the wants of another against your own nature until you forget what your own nature was.

submission: a person recognising your nature, accepting it, but finding a way to make you want to bend the way they need.


this is the way i view both words and the conotations behind them. is this just me or am i missing something deeper here?? i probably am...